Tuesday 13 December 2011

storm

Tonight the storm was outside the window and inside my heart.
I have asked myself to stop and come back to my senses.
I have implored my heart not to give up, and this was the answer:

"One day near, when the light will go off and you'll have to leave
you'll thank me for this.
For brightening what you have left"

I thought about the Gypsy.
I thought about her face when I asked her if paying would have made my life longer
you can't beat up destiny and you can't come up against feelings.

Whatever you do they'll swallow you making you float in a place with no time forever.

=========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: my notebook is full of logic writings in which there is a begin and a clear end, but nothing of those writing is real. The truth is, life is not logic and I am a jerk.

Thursday 10 November 2011

Sore

big eyes
looking for eyes
to look
in their depth.
I thought your heart
was made
of stone,
but now I know it's candy.

When will you
tell me
your truth,
instead of mixing it
with lies of others?

I am waiting
pushing life forward like
a soldier without
his gun
looking around
expecting a foe
to shoot in my back.

Sometimes I tremble
of joy or fear
but that gives
me the same
feeling of lost
excitement.

Whith you
fear was forgotten
but that meant I
depended from
your lips
and their
unknown taste.

Sometimes I am a soldier,
with no battle.

Friday 23 September 2011

lights 'n shadows

The days getting shorter is a neat contrast with my need of light.

I have always been a son of the dark, no difference for me between the hours after the sunset and the ones preceding the sunrise, hours where the streets are populated only by the noise of trucks and cars, barking dogs and buzzing broken street lamps.

It has been a trial at first and then a ritual, to become at the very end, the only knowledge I had of existence.

I have been avoiding company and daylight because I needed to give some time to myself to decide which direction my life had to follow.

I am out of it now.

In the night all is wrapped in the undefined, all it's out of focus and you easily lose yourself without noticing. I have been through that before. Nothing is easier than giving shape to a dream if it happens during the night and your eyes are open.

But that won't last.

I have tried to create for myself an artificial existence chained into this virtual world, stuck between a reality I found difficult to accept and a dream I was feeding my soul and my blood to. I have lived in a wonder made of bittersweet sensations believing I could exchange real life with a beautiful illusion.

In the night I was a poet, an artist a lover.

In the night I could be myself change my name, my creed, my orientation.

In the night I didn't need to justify my passions, I didn't have to be ashamed of my desire and you were there with me, in no space and no time.

But that didn't last.

Reality have come knocking at my door and I have found the signs of time on my face and my hair getting grey and my heart getting smaller each time I thought about how my life could have been if I only would have made other choices.

Discovering that you have kept on choosing and making your path narrower with each decision can brake you. The more you fly high the more you hurt yourself when you fall. A fallen angel. Maybe better a lost dog, I have been licking my wounds hoping to recover soon, but the scars reminded me of all I wanted to forget, day by day.

When I thought the bottom was an inch under my feet I woke up. I woke up and I have seen the truth, living a dream is and remains a lie.

I had to choose, once more: remaining in the lie hoping not to need to wake up, maybe one day before my death and realizing I had lost all the experiences, the good and the bad ones, that life could give me or bear the pain to go back to reality, resume my life and carry on with dignity.

That's why I have disappeared. That's why you didn't see me or hear from me anymore.

I have been looking for that light I had avoided for so long. Now I bear the burning pain of the past and I have to subdue myself to the limits this long period of inactivity has imposed me.

I am doing well. I could even dare to say I feel like…happy. Some of us are not really meant to have a specific place in this world, the secret is not to force yourself to find one, no matter what.

I write this to put a mark to the beginning of a new era, in which I am what I am and I stop hiding in the blur of darkness.

I am not stating that from now on I'll always be under the sun, habits are difficult to change, especially for an old devil like me.
I'll only try to keep it simple like when life was only you and me playing under that burning sun in that courtyard.

Thursday 15 September 2011

freedom in your pocket

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

I thought illusions could make your life livable, now I know I was wrong, since you have been my illusion and the though of you is pulling me in these depths.
Love, an unnecessary feeling, but we keep on making ourselves its slaves, consciously.

The more you chose the more your path gets narrow.

In the end you find yourself stepping on a rope, acrobat with no future: impossible to look back, nothing to see in front of you.
You look down and let yourself fall.

I still wait to see the bright colours of happiness, but you can't find colours in the dark.

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

Nothing else than your scent on my hands, your flavour on my lips, your curse in my heart.
Escaping is easy and so damned difficult, since this restraint is the only thing I still have of you.

The more I think of you the more I get lost.

You disappear when the truth has taken your place and the loneliness has made me desire to live in a lie.
I am not ashamed since truth and lies are making love and creating a new reality. They are part of me and the same way they are part of you, fabulous angel in my eyes: a bird without wings. Bleeding eyes. Broken heart.

I will drink hate from your lips for the sake of a kiss.

Saturday 23 July 2011

the dawn of the crimson moon

Keth Silverclaw was standing in front of the window, his arms crossed the slender body fiercely erected. He looked emotionless, his green eyes half covered by his raven black hair, that the light of the moon made shine in silver.

“Stop shaking like that Eledhwen, I could not avoid it. You know it better than me...so stop this. Things can't be changed”
He turned away adjusting with one hand the sword at his side.
The thick walls of the manor smelled of humid and dust and in the lights of the torches hanging on the wall I could see my hands covered in blood;
I felt it on my body, drenching my clothes, I felt it on my face.
The smell, like of metal, was almost unbearable.

I was sitting on a thick furry carpet, unable to move. I felt the tears flowing out of my eyes and a cry of desperation was resonating into my chest, trapped and unable to get out.
It was obvious that I had started it all.

“Come with me...” Keth's voice was all of a sudden softer, almost caressing and all of a his deep green eyes were shining with pity.
He helped me to stand and supporting me he took me to the room they called room of bathing.

In the centre of the room there was a huge circular pool. The water was warm, steam was floating above the pool giving it a surreal look. The stone covering the sides of the bath shone like pearl at the light of the candles burning all around it.

Keth took a towel, he drenched it with water from a barrel and he came to me. He begun cleaning my face.
I closed my eyes. The towel smelled of Jasmine, like Keth.

“Don't fear Eledhwen...”
he used my full name.

The elf undressed me and he went on cleaning my body, rinsing from time to time the towel in the scented water.
He spoke the ancient language. The tip of his fingers felt cold on my heated skin.

“Now the trace of my sin has left your body...” he hesitated to continue “allow me to fill your soul with the same sin”

“Keth Silverclaw” I replied formally “I am not free for you to take. I am a druid. Druids can't know physic love”

His eyes suddenly burned with anger.
“I have just ended the tribe of Trucia for you and your folk, and you want to refuse me your body?”

I wanted him.
He didn't have to know.

“I warn you Silverclaw, high elf of the tribe of Gandrel” I said without conviction “Touch me and you'll be cursed.

“I have been cursed the day I have met you Eledhwen Ciryatan” he uttered grabbing my hair. I moaned in pain.
“Tell me the truth little devil...you are pushing me...you want me...to beg you...”

It was true, I was the devil disguised in priest's clothes.

I wanted him. Since the day I had met him for the first time. I wanted him, even today after the terrible things I had seen.

“Take me Keth. Take my body, take my soul...make of it what you want, let's be cursed together...”
I opened my arms, presenting myself to him like an offer.

He laughed out loud and outside the manor his wolf howled in response to the sound of his laughter.

Keth took me in his arms, like I would be his bride and stepped still fully clothed into the pool. Holding me with one arm he used his other hand to unfasten the belt holding his sword and he let it fall gently outside the pool.

I opened his black jacket his golden buttons were decorated with miniatures showing scenes of the ancient war.
Under the jacket he was wearing a black linen blouse; the black of the fabric made a sharp contrast with the shining ivory of his skin.

He made me seat into the water. The strong smell of flowers surrounded me melting the sensations, the lust, the impatience.

He undressed himself and he came kneeling in front of me.

His eyes were now shining of a new light, deep cruel eyes of a wolf ready to assault his victim.

I was charmed.

“You are so beautiful Keth...a druid is not used to such a luxurious beauty we leave in simplicity, we are simple people...”

He didn't reply. He didn't change his expression. He seemed to be studying my body. Then he suddenly grabbed my shoulder and pressing his lips on my neck he sucked my skin shortly moving his tongue like he was trying to decide how I tasted.

I could smell the scent of forest and jasmine in his hair.

His kisses became more and more audacious. He seemed to be increasing his self confidence at each new kiss. He became impatient, his hands moved between my legs.
I was hard and his hands felt like ice on my erection.
Then his mouth came, hot and soft.

“Keth, I am lost...I thought I knew all but now I am lost...”
“it's because I have lied to you” he replied to me without taking away his mouth from me “it's because we lied to ourselves. We are not meant to be warriors, we are not meant to be wisemen...we are meant to be lovers...”

I felt he had kept love in himself for too long, I felt his loneliness, his rage, his passion.

His breath surrounded my flesh, while his hands grabbed my sides. He was hurting me but the pain melted into pleasure when he entered me, without warning, without mercy.
I had never known physical love – not with a woman, nor with a man.
The narrations of the druids talked about it, of how men lose their reason for love and of how love makes you waste your energy for the sake of physical fulfillment.

In the long austere years as a druid I had learned to respect the silence. No sound came out of my mouth even when he pushed hard, faster, growling like a wild wolf.

I liked to see him losing control. I liked his expression, showing rage and lust.
He suddenly slowed his pace.

“I want you to come with me. Touch yourself...I am near.”
he ordered.

I got hold of my pulsing flesh, and I began stroking it fast. He licked my neck, biting when due to the tension of pleasured I suddenly throbbed.

“Eledhwen if you don't move it'll be too late, I won't last much longer...” he said an enduring expression on his face.
The sound of his voice, liquid silver, excited me so much I reached the point of no return.

“Keth I am coming...”
I said, my voice trembling.

He pushed it all into me, whispering into my ear words of love in the elfish old idiom.
He promised to protect me forever.

“I'll be your knight, son of the moon. I will protect you until the last breath of life will leave my body. This is written in the stars”

I was now property of a high elf, a male, like me.

I had now learned the meaning of the word falling, I had lost my virginity and my soul, I could not go back in time any more and I didn't even want it.

Since the day I had met Keth, a few years before, I had been fascinated by his person, the mystery and the strength surrounding him. There was no way I could escape to his charm.

He had come to the village to meet the Wiseman, the oldest of the druids, at that time I was in the order only since a few days.
When he arrived, the big wolf at his side, I was walking among the houses enjoying the warmth of the summer.

“You druid!” he told me with a harsh unpleasant tone “bring me to the Wiseman!”
I frowned
“Who are you, white elf, to think you can give me an order?”
he raised his eyebrows.

“You are in front of the leaders of Gandrel, human! Is this enough as an answer?”
“It is” I replied “but now you can look for the Wiseman yourself.

I turned my back at him, but I felt his hand clenching around my arm, his face suddenly so close to mine, that I could smell him, the strong scent of jasmine and forest.

“Don't mess with me druid! I could suddenly forget the treaty...”
I swallowed soundly, still frowning
“I am not scared of you elf.” I bluffed.

His wolf growled and it sounded like a laughter.
Keth smirked
“You have courage druid” he let my arm go “Come Cyrrus” he said talking to his wolf “we'll go look for the Wiseman since the brat won't cooperate”

Since that day he dropped by the village very often, for a reason or another. Sometimes he jumped out of the bushes when I was walking in the forest, talking to me with his arrogant tone.
With the passing of time we became close. There were not a lot of words between us, but a silent link existing beyond us.

The day the dark elves attacked the village, Keth, leader of the tribe of Gandrel had come to save us. The hatred between light and dark elves had existed for ages, but there was a treaty forbidding them both to attack humans. That treaty has been made to preserve the name of the elfish race.

At the beginning I thought that was the reason pushing Keth to save us, in the rage of the battle though Keth came to look for me, killing every creature who came between us, and when he found me he took me away with him.
His wolf opened us the way to the dark manor, and the rest of the story...well, it's what I just told you.

Concerning me, I didn't become a druid because I had heard the call. I did it for the knowledge. I wanted to know the secret of alchemy, the power of herbs and the secrets of poisons.

I had never been ready to lose the privilege of being a druid, not for power, not for love.
Not until that moment.

Keth climaxed, biting his under lip, his eyes closed, pearls of sweat shining on his forehead, his hair like a black crown.

I was excited, tired, happy, scared.

“What am I supposed to do now Keth?” I told him when he came to rest his head on my chest.
“You are mine now” he replied.
I smiled, unable to oppose him.
“You'll be at my side” he continued “I'll do all for you...you don't believe it?” he turned his head and looked right into my eyes. In the depth of his green iris I saw my past, full of bad memories, filled with sorrow and rare joyful moments, I felt sensations I could barely remember.

In his eyes I saw the future, full of mystery and secrets, full of strength and courage, of battles and peaceful moments.

In his eyes I saw our bodies entangled in a dance of love, our lips touching, our tongues looking for each other.
All my questions faded in the image of him.
For the first time that day I felt safe.
For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word happiness.
“I belong to you, Keth Silverclaw” I told him a second before his lips reached mines.

The wolves outside the manor were howling at the crimson moon filling a black sky, they were welcoming our new life and the beginning of our future.

=====================================================================
note of the author: don't think it's easy to forget I had given my heart to an illusion. It seems that not freaking out about it, made of me a worthless simpleton. I still believe in all the nonsense. I am a conscious son of a bitch.

Friday 15 July 2011

Words

Words
So easy to say
So easy to forget
I am made of words and
Your words cover me like
A blanket
Stab me
Like a golden knife
Kill me like a silent
Poison.
Words
Nothing else between us
Lies and truths
Love and hate
Nothing I can close my
Hands on
And when I open them again
You are not there anymore.
I am a fool believing
In words coming from ghosts
Maybe in my head
Words are like butterflies
Colored and happy
But reality makes them
Taste bitter
Like my own conscience
Bitter
Like my own heart
Empty
I am going to pass the days that will follow
Looking for your lips in the tea leaves at the
Bottom of my cup
Saying your name aloud
Making love to your image in my dreams.
Forgetting is impossible
But turning the watch back and pretend it's all right
It's something I can still try.
Maybe he'll come back and be like before
A cold steamy hand passing through my hair
While I sleep.

=======================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I'll be gone for a while, to wash away the taste of your kisses in salt water. Until I find you again.

Thursday 7 July 2011

just a moment

My breath gets faster.
Your hand reaches the zipper of my trouser.
I am so excited...
"Don't be so loud Bo', they'll hear us..."
Your smile is meaningful. You know you are driving me crazy and you seem to enjoy the feeling.
The party seems to be going great outside the door of your room.

You undress me and stare at me for a while.
I get uncomfortable.
"Well? what are your plans?" I say a little bit harsh.
"Making you beg me..."
I swallow soundly.
"I see..."
I smile, because you are just how I want you to be, so free and so terrible, so beautiful and sensual.
I get up and I begin undressing you, slowly kissing every inch of your body I unclothe.
Your fingers move on my back slowly hesitating.
you pull me towards you.
The touch of your skin is something I'll possibly never get used to.
I am burning.
"I want to taste you, every inch of you..." I say
"I was supposed to be the one making you lose control.."
I laugh soundly
"How do you call this" I take your hand and place it on my chest, my heart is beating so fast I have the feeling it could be exploding.
You laugh.
While I kiss you, biting you softly, gliding down your body, your hands reach me and they know exactly what they need to do, to make me lose this game.
"Y-you...this is not fair..."
I fall down on the bed.
One on one, your hands, fingers entangled in my hair, you lips so cold getting fire on my skin, I feel like my body would become liquid,
"I want you. I want all of you..." I say.
You don't answer...


"You know that you are so beautiful after making love..." I tell you panting when you fall exhausted on my chest.
You smirk "You are very cute when you beg..."
I shake my head "you really are unbelievable!"

I had no intention of falling in love with you. Too painful, too dangerous, too impossible, but how can I stop this?
How can I keep myself from desiring you when you are constantly in my mind, in my dreams...

You get up

"What are you doing?"
"Go back to the party..."
"You must be kidding me?"

I pull you back in bed
"Stay. Stay some more...they won't miss us"
"You are hopeless..." You say smiling
"Yes, I am, do you care?"

You shake your head and hold me
I close my eyes and hope this moment will last forever.

Monday 4 July 2011

the one and only

After the end there is a new beginning, where I am not who I was anymore. No heartbeats, no weakness, only stone and steel, dry eyes and motionless heart.
No heartbeats, no joy or sorrow.
Only time, flowing like a deep dark river, of which I can't see the bottom.
I have touched it with my hand and it has dissolved through my fingers.
I have felt its warmth and now the winter has come and filled the void with ice.
I don't want to feel cold.
Cold reminds me of loneliness, of people I have lost of hands forcing me to feel good when all I wanted was throwing up.


I close my eyes and I see a beach, the shore of pink little shells.
I am alone watching the sea, the sun setting into the waves, far at the horizon.
I'd like to show it to you but you are not here.
I close my eyes and try to fix this image into my memory.
But I get your image instead.
Fire on water.
Mist on the void.

I let myself fall but there is no bottom and I keep on falling until I wake up and I realize the void is nothing more than a path in which I miss beauty, youth and freedom, to find you along the way.

Since I am aware of the time I still have left and of all the things I won't be able to do with that time, I am grasping her thin neck once more licking her till the end, sucking out all it remains and letting myself drift into a world of nothingness, where the memories float around me like fireflies and love can't hurt me.

I don't care if they will be waiting, writing, worrying, I will be wasting that time and pretending you are still there, my tongue on your skin, rough caresses on your sides, my teeth biting your shoulder you light casting a shadow on my soul, who cannot stop talking about you.

Kill it. Kill all these illusions, I can see through.
I will lose this sorrow like the skin of a snake and leave the rest of my time like a fallen angel staring at the bottom of his memory.

One way ticket

Writing the word end is something I have never been able to do.
It's like my hand would fear it, like 'end' could only mean something terrible.
I like to open doors, not close them behind me.

They say you can't always decide. They say that sometimes you can't be your own happiness.

They told me feelings are not everything...but what is the next step when feeling are all I have left and they fall? What is the next step when you are on the edge looking down into the void or looking up to the stars which are not burning anymore?

It's a heavy day, a heavy week a heavy fucking life I don't want anymore.

I have no time to look back and no force to look foreward.

I will take a short break from myself and prepare for what I have left.

I'm leaving on this train with no driver, destination unknown. One way ticket.

Sunday 3 July 2011

burning

Cold fingers touching lightly the line of my jaw, down to my neck.
I try to open my eyes but I am too tired.
"what are you doing?"
"keep on sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up..."
I pull you down on my chest.
"How can I keep on sleeping when your scent fills my nostrils and I feel the touch of your skin?"
Your hand is searching me under the cover.

"Do you remember when we first met? That feeling of having known each other since always?"

your hands follow the shape of my body, your breath is deep, calm.

"I still feel that, whatever you say or do to me it's like your movements and words would be written in me. I don't see you. I don't see our differences. I just feel you"

You gently press your lips on my shoulder.
I take your hand and kiss your fingers, biting them gently and letting my tongue glide between them.

"Don't make me think about how impossible my feelings are. Make me forget who I am"

the air smells of salt and resin. I hear the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks.


I know this place, I used to come here a long time ago; it's full of memories and pain.

I look at you, you seem to be far from me in your thoughts.
"Don't leave me" I say
"Why do you worry? I am here"
"I worry because I am not used to beauty in my life and when you talk to me your words crash into my world and make me think that maybe...maybe I am allowed this dream, but when I can't be with you it all seems so distant and cold. I am not so strong.."
I hold you tightly and try to lose connection with the reality, only you, your words whispered on my skin make me shiver.
I only hear the sound of the waves and our voices saying silently the truth we can't shout.

I would like to be able to keep you here, to make a prisoner of you and never allow you to leave my side, but you are made of sea foam and when the dream turns into dawn you vanish leaving only the fire on every part of me you touched.

I am too tired and unfocused to show you all the wonders you make for me when the dark comes and I lay myself down to sleep.
There is a very thin edge between reality and illusion and I am trapped in the space that is in between, calling your name, pretending my hands would be yours, waking up in sweat, my breath running my lips wet.

There is much more in those night than you'll ever know.

=======================================================================
Note of the Author: Believe to my words and never trust illusions. You are much more than reality to me, you are there beyond the edge where time and space do not count. Don't go away from me, allow me this dream, since it's all I care for.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

the storm is not outside

You are the image changing the void.
I am aware I am not supposed to desire you, but the sensations flowing out of the thoughts of you take my body and make of it an approving slave.

I was trying to forget the colors and scents of a storm and I have fallen into the trap of memory, recalling your movements, the taste of your body, the sound of your moans.

And those words.

Tales, of past and future, of worlds I never knew of a reality I don't recognize.
I would like to hear your voice, I would like to talk to you for hours or just stay in silence because your silence is shining and I see your beauty through that light.

I kiss your shoulder, holding you tightly, because I am afraid  that you'll disappear.
You let your fingers glide down my back and whisper in my hear smiling gently.

I love to see that expression on your face. You bite your under lip and take my body gently and roughly at the same time. I surrender to you because suddenly it's hard to breathe, to move or even to think.
I want you with me, for one hour, one second or even eternity.

Don't be scared. I know that my limit lies on the bottom of an empty glass and the bliss of making love will not make me forget where the truth is.
Trust me.

I am a jerk, I am not sane, I am lost in you, but I keep my promises.

I don't want to lose this touch, velvet ice on me, burning silently.
While the image fades, I listen to the rhythm of my own heart beating under a sky which is different, but still the same.

I am producing new reasons to apologize.

But I don't want to stop, I don't want you to leave, I want my dull days to bring me to hot nights of happiness, where you are again the only image dominating the void.

========================================================================
Note of the author: It's always so breathtaking that I am not even sorry. damn.

Tuesday 28 June 2011

Let Boris do what he is meant to do (non posso dormire)

My fingers can't find their place on the strings anymore.
Resting.
Sleeping without dreams.
waking up without memory.
knowing what I want.

Can you play for me?
I am going to lend you these fingers,
this soul
if you want to
It's useless to me
if the sun shines on it
and there is no moonlight to make it
colder,
deeper.

can you play for me?
I want to feel your hands
ice
burning
stealing
all I have to give.

the reality come hard to remind me that my all is not much.

Getting out of life on polished steel, getting out of life on the wings of a crimson crow.
But flying scares me.
Hurry up, Boris. before I change my mind.


AUTOR NOTE: I am really sorry to have thought, only for a moment, that I could forget you or give your name to someone else. I want to sleep.
Ritorna da me. Le tue dita tra i miei capelli...

I can't read what I wrote. I am falling asleep...

Monday 27 June 2011

Shooting stars

The old house has a porch at the back. Behind the house a view on the artificial lake. I could sit there for hours, smoking, drinking. Waiting.
"I knew I would have found you here..."
I was spacing out I didn't hear you coming.
"I am so happy you made it...I am never sure if you will be able to reach me but every time I come here I really hope to find you"
"I want to be here too"

You seat next to me on the wooden planks of the porch floor and you place your hand on my leg.
We both seat there, the head leaning on the shallow walls, our eyes shut, close to each other in silence.
I lay my hand on yours.
Entangled fingers.
My eyes are still closed, I don't dare to look at you because I know that I will not be able to hold back if I look into your eyes.
I am scared, I don't want you to get bored of this. I don't want you to get bored of me.
I squeeze my eyes closed, until they hurt.
I feel you moving and after a while you are sitting on my lap, your arms around my neck your head resting on my chest.

Don't open your eyes Boris. Don't open your eyes...you could wake up if you do. You could lose his image if you do.

You are kissing me softly. I feel your teeth grazing my neck, I feel your tongue, shyly tasting my skin.

Don't open your eyes Boris

"D-don't...you are.." I hear you smiling, your warm breath makes me shiver.

"I won't leave. You are not asking this, but I know that's what you want. I am in your mind remember?"
You never talk so much. What's with this now? Are you trying to convince me that I am crazy about you?
as if it would be necessary.

Your hands are now touching me.
I am so out of control.
Normally I like to be lost but now I am scared.

"S-stop...stop it, now we are still on time..."
Your hands don't listen to me. I let myself fall on the floor.
Your hands.
How much I wanted to feel that cold on my heated skin.

Are we making love because we like that? is it just some ritual, some sort of extreme greeting?
Are we making love because we need each other, because we are one?
Are we making love because we are in love?

It's me. It's my imagination creating feelings in the void.

But why is your body shaking? Why are your hands hesitating?

Don't open your eyes Boris.
This magic is all you have.

All my life I have been looking for fire. For a man, a woman, a demon who could be able to make me burn, without consuming.
And now you are here. I don't care if tomorrow I am going to pay with pain all the pleasure I am feeling now. It's worthy, you are worthy.

I feel your tongue, so eager, and skilled. I feel your skin on my lips, than the taste of you, spicy but sweet so enchanting almost hypnotic.
I feel your strength in me like a firework of lust.

"Bo..."
say my name...say it...
"Boris, I want you..."
I am yours already...don't you see it?

"I...I am not asking you to be mine. I just give you myself. For as long as you need me to be yours..." It's difficult to talk, my head is a mess of thoughts, my body is a hurricane on sensations. But I want you to know. I want you to know so that you don't run away.

What is a man without dreams?
What would I be without you? A fucking living routine. A walking corpse, letting his life being lived by the time.

You know how to turn me on and you never fail to bring me there, where our pleasure melts and we fall like shooting stars.

Your breath follows mine and you let yourself rest in my arms exhausted.
"Why don't we just stay here forever, baby?" I say ecstatic.
you don't answer but place a tired kiss on my neck.

"We don't have forever...not yet Bo..."
I know it, but it hurts me to hear that
"I know..." I sulk.

You take my hand and you bring me inside the house, on the red pillows where we first made love.

"Try to sleep now..."
you push me down and rest your head on my chest and let yourself be hold.
You are still cold and I am burning hot...nothing seems to have changed. I am happy.
I slowly sink into the dark subdued realm of sleep, taking with me memories and sensations.
I know you're not going to be here when I wake up, but this feeling of you will always be waiting together with me until I find you again.

Saturday 25 June 2011

red feathers

I never thought that it would have been so difficult for me lying next to you, without being able to touch you. This is what you ask me and it is too much now. The picture of you in my mind fires me up and every time I close my eyes you are there to turn this show on, leaving me hopeless behind when the reality comes to take me back.

How long do you need to sleep to create a dream?
that's what makes me constantly doubt that it could be something different, more an hallucination or the beginning of madness.

Still drunk of last night, still burning of your touch, I dream of you again.
you are sitting in a bed surrounded by veiled curtains.
your hands are giving shape to a piece of dark clay, you keep on changing it, your hands sink into the clay and you finally realize I am there, looking at you in silence.

"come here...I was waiting for you" you show me the place next to you with your hand, I come and seat at your side.
"I am tired of doing this, without being able to find my shape" you say.
"Boris, I can't tell you more than I do. Can you sort this out for yourself?"

I don't understand what you say but for myself I know what you mean.
Now you are lying down your head on a pillow made of read feathers.

"Don't you hate feathers?" you ask me curious.
"Not if they are crimson" I reply.
I touch your lips with my fingertips.

"You shouldn't do this. you make me want things I have to deny"

I get up, ready to leave
you pull my sleeve.
"Please stay. You know I would like things to be different"
"I want to protect you"
"You can't protect me from myself"

You are at my back holding me tightly. I feel your excitement and I try to ignore my own.
"I've got to go" I say
'Don't let me go' I think
"I won't leave you" you reply, reading my thoughts, as always.

You take me back on the bed , crimson crows all around are watching insensitive.
I place a kiss on your chest, following those kisses down with caressing hands. You moan low and tender.
"I don't want you to stop, Bo, really I don't fucking want you to stop".
I don't want to stop.
I want to feel your burning cold again.
I want to taste you.
You are not opposing resistance and your body is calling me.
you feel so cold to my lips.
A cold wind is coming inside from a window I don't see.

"I feel cold" I tell you
the scene changes and now you are the one leading the game, I am, once again, the one begging you.
And the movements of your body charms me, so that I can't remember I had promised to myself to hold back and forget this desire, dragging us away from reality.

For how long? tell me...for how long am I going to be able to dream of you?
For how long will you be there to wait for me in this golden cage we closed ourselves into?

While I wake up I bite my lip, the pain will help me to break this magic.
You are not in this room, only the cold and the sound of the pouring rain are.

Time to resume reality.

Velvet silence

Over and over again I fall asleep looking for you in the dark. My hands touching blindly to feel the cold of your body.

Only two steps after my mind falls into the soft oblivion of dreams and you appear.

I have always been charmed by your skin, so pale, almost shining in the light of the moon...the moon, always finding us together, the moon, our only witness.

No sound but the wind making love to the tree tops.

My hands burn on your skin.
I shiver for a sensation I still have to feel, aroused, happy, impatient to take you, desperate, lost.

You open your arms to me, I hold you, my lips grazing your jaw, the tips of my fingers caressing the silk of your back.

"tell me....how many times do you plan to make my heart stop? Tell me...I can't hold back anymore, if you don't stop me!"

You look at me, a languid light in your eyes "there are limits Bo, remember?.." It sounds like you are scolding me but your hands are touching me now.

I hiss my frustration at you and you smile.

"I thought you could endure..." You whisper in my ear. Your hands move slowly. I moan your name. I hear my own voice broken by this pleasure that is so similar to pain.

I try to move my hands and stop you, but your tongue is running on my neck.

Unable to move I just surrender repeating your name, begging you to finish this sweet torture.

I want you.
I want you more than I dare to confess to myself.
And you know it.
You know all, even if you can't allow any moves from me, you know.
You are my dream after all, how could you not know.

You take my hand now and we get out from a door between the trees.
The passage brings to a beach, the shore made of little pink shells.
they are cutting my feet, but I don't feel pain, the only sensation I have is that I am going to explode if I don't get you now.

I see my blood on the ground.

You push me down and come next to me.
Kissing my chest, a thousand little kisses, your tongue hesitating following the shape of my body, you let your hand glide down.

"I want you"
I can't understand if it's me, or you the one speaking.

Our bodies have no shape, still I feel you cold and hot
Love is rough and I am getting crazy at each movement of your hips, I feel my skin burning at each touch of your hands.

Your breathe I can hear it now.

"Where have our limits gone?" I utter my voice giving away my feelings.
You shake your head
"I can't hold back, it has been too long, too long"
I look at you but now it's only me the one I see.

After all, you are my dream, my fantasies have given you life

"I am your dream but you are not the one who gave me life. I will always find a way to protect you"

my blood gets cold. I know those word, someone told them to me, a long time ago.
I almost forgot him, because now it's you all I can see.

We are still making love. I am lost, lost in you, lost in this sweet illusion.

How can I assure myself an eternal dream?
Do I have to sell my soul to be able to do this every night?
Well, if that's the price to pay than take it. Take my soul and do what you want with it.

I always wanted to see the sunrise on the sea, holding you in my arms after making love.
The sun rises now, the shells shine in the lights of dawn.

I hold you tighter, but I feel this time is over, my eyes become heavy and the lights fades away. I try to keep the sensation of you in my arms but the black around me shows me I am back to reality.

I close my eyes again and enjoy the sensations still surrounding me. I still smell the scent of your skin on mine. Each part of my body you touched is still burning.
Outside my window the sound of the rain.
Inside of me only a velvet silence.

========================================================================

NOTE OF THE AUTHOR:
I don't care about how absurd it can sound. Just hold my hand and I'll carry on for you.


Sunday 19 June 2011

no words beyond

And you can't hear or see
Only experience in a world
Still to be created.
The scent of you penetrates
Through the thin veil of time
Crashing into me like a burning blade.

I talked to my reason
But it is deaf to me
and this feeling
Gives my blood a new course in you.

Because the words
I love you
Are just one grain of sand
In the desert of my emotions.

====================================================================
Note of the author: Lies taste of incense.

Wednesday 8 June 2011

It was fucking my head, that is.

There is no flesh
Left for your nails to
Scratch
This desire away
One moment
Where desire and
repulsion become
One
On
One
And the way
You penetrate my
Pride
Making it moan
And ask for
Mercy
Remembers me of
When there was nothing
Else than my childhood
And the smell of grass.

Those men are still wearing a hat. I admire their way of moving their hands while they are talking. My nostrils are full of the smell of their cigars.
I want to be with them, in those chamber filled with smoke and financial talk.

My hands are dirty.
Grease and dust.
It's like a fire
And I am the one burning.
My mind is dirty
Of images I enjoyed,
of pleasures I
have paid for.
Warm hands on cold
Soft skin
Her smile
Untouchable lips.

The streets are full of them. Looking, studying, tasting and asking for a deal. From behind the windows eyes are begging and laughing. Smiles are asking more, lips are saying words without melody.
I am a new gender but old is my path, consumed of feet and bloody faces.

Breathing.
Air filling your lungs.
I am there with you
You don't see me
But you feel my
Hands
Going down your chest
While I suck
Purity from your soul
And leave
Indecent thoughts at
Its place.
Still pleasant.
And your hands touch
Your body
While you think of
It
And the smile of
A demon
Shines in the dark behind
Your eyelids.
I see the rhythm of your
Hand matching
The one of my dream.
We finish together on
A dirty carpet
Mouths looking for
Each other
Hands that can't be stopped.

Even if I am sleeping right now. My body is calling your name and your body replies with mine, even if you don't hear a word.

where a full glass won't help to cancel a dream.

You whisper in my hear  "Stay, stay some more. I can't ask I know, but I want to feel your warmth, for another second..."
I want to stay here forever
"I got to go" I utter quickly, without conviction.

Can't you see I am getting lost? The thread I am stepping on is so thin. I am losing contact with the reality and the reality is that you are just a dream.

Your tongue follows the profile of my jaw, hesitating when you feel me shivering.
Your hands explore my body, learning by heart the shapes, feeling its temperature raise at your touch.

"Stay...I want to learn about you" you are not begging, that sounds more like a gentle order.

I want to stay, I want you.

Why do you do this? Why do you pretend this is something you want, when we both know you are just trying to make me feel good. It's this the price I have to pay for happiness? See you vanish every time the sun rises?

You are cold, but my skin burns when your body gets close to mine.
"Bo..." your voice is low and deep, dense of pleasure and full of desire.
"Stop provoking me or I swear I won't be responsible for my actions..."

you smile and bury your face in my neck. I feel your teeth softly biting me.

I pull you on my lap and drag my fingers down your back.

I would like to do something, I would like to take you.
I would like to feel you roughly and painfully.
I would like just to seat here motionless, concentrating on your movement, the sound of your moans, the beat of your heart.

Images of a moment in time I can't locate show up behind my eyelids.

His lips, looking for mines, his hands making me shout his name, the silence of his absence.

Say, have you ever felt the desire of stopping the time? I wanted to do it back then. I want to do it right now.
I have exchanged a ghost with a dream, but it feels so right.

I feel better living in my head, with you, than living a real life where I feel pain every time I wake up.

If he would just come back and tell me that where he is now we would be able to make love and look into each other's eyes again, if he could come back for a second and tell me that over the edge I can still meet him, I would not doubt a second to stop the time forever and run to him.
But he doesn't. He doesn't even come back to whisper my name in the dark anymore.
He has left me to you...to a dream.
Probably this happened for a reason I still can't understand. Or maybe it's just a joke of my destiny and there is nothing to understand, there has never been any whisper and my mind is creating shadows that will be my companions ever after.

Well if that's the case, I hope that madness comes soon. I hope to lose conscience of this reality and to dwell in this illusion forever.

If this dream disappears, like the ghost has vanished, I hope to be able to vanish along with it, lost in the amber of a full glass, in the scent of flowers and smoke.
Because this is what I am, a night full of alcohol, smoke and indecent desires.

========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I have received a bottle of Cognac for my birthday. That's a very bad fabulous present. very bad fabulous...I could possibly break my proposition not to drink anymore. Just an idea.

Monday 6 June 2011

roaming

keep your hands there.
I won't move,
I won't ask
don't part from this body,
bear the heat, the pain, the pleasure.
I will keep all my promises
and forget all this, when the day
comes back to steal my
life.

Keep your lips there,
I will laugh and call your name
because where your lips
touch my body
my skin is marked.
I am yours and you are
mine sealed in the shadow.

I won't ask your soul
I won't ask your heart.
I am not old enough to
know the key and
I am not young enough
not to care about the
truth.
I am nothing more than a
shadow with a name that
could be any other
a face that could be
a lie,
a heart that you possess.

You can keep that heart
he won't disturb your dreams.
You can throw that heart away
and he will stay there
waiting for you to come
back.

But don't think about it tonight.
Just rest at my side,
I will play that song only for you
like a violinist crying out his love
to a muse he never knew

======================================================
NOTe Of tHe AuthOr: seriously...I mean...seriously...

sweet madness

I am ready to negotiate, but not about love.
I will write with a knife my decision on my skin so that every time I doubt about my choice the scars will remind me of them and of the reason why I have taken them.

I am still trying to remove your hands from my memory, the cold of your body, the scent of your skin.

It's going to be easy if I don't listen to my thoughts and I ignore my dreams, so real, so hot, so recurrent.

You won't hear me say that. I will not confirm or deny it. I am not going to beg my mind for it any longer.

In the shadows of the day all seems to be made of silver and the reflection of you hurts my eyes still sore of my dreams.

I vaguely remember I was making love to you and you were staring at the moon, thinking about a distant world, I was not part of.
I was on fire but I could not melt the ice.

I have asked myself in the days after the full moon if the phoenix could still raise from her ashes, but she preferred to disappear in the underground of my remembrance together with him and the memory of you.

I still love you.

I can't confess to myself I feel lost.

"Boris, I have to take care of my life now. Please, stand by until next time you are allowed to live"

that's what I am doing now, or at least this is how I feel. I am stuck in my head and I have to admit that it's not such a bad feeling after all.

So, summing up nothing has changed, if I don't consider that now I am aware of the lies I have been telling to myself and of the cold I feel when the sun is off.

I think this writing could seem tragic to an eye which is not trained. But an omniscient narrator as you are should know more than this.

I kiss your neck while you sleep. You moan and pull me towards you without waking up.
I taste your body and try to remember the sensation of silk on my tongue.
I can't fight against how much I want you.
I bite your side gently while my hands touch you, not leaving space to the imagination.

Do you feel me? Do you feel how my kisses burn? Or is my skin the only one on fire?

Your lips curl up in a smile that makes me lose the will of fighting against myself. I know this is just a fantasy, a dream with no return, but the nice side of madness is that when you are there you don't mind anymore.
mmh...you are so warm now. I wonder if it's really you what I am feeling or just the other myself, I am used to make love with.

Saturday 4 June 2011

The sphere

"Boris, I won't be around for a while..."
"What does that mean Sascha?"
"It means that I have to leave, and I can't even choose"

The grass under my feet was waving like a green sea moved by the wind.

"Here" he said to me handing me a little something packed in rice paper "Keep it in your hands when you sleep. It will help"
He hugged me and turned away. I wanted to stop him, but I was paralyzed. He walked slowly without turning back. When I had almost lost sight of him I saw him raise his hand once again to say goodbye, after that I never saw him again.

I opened the paper and I found a seed. It looked like a sunflower seed.

I let myself fall on the grass, keeping the seed in my hand I fell asleep.
A quiet sleep with no dreams.

I woke up on a platform suspended in the middle of a giant steel sphere.
Next to me there was a young man, a warrior, dressed in a silver armor.
His eyes were serious but sweet, like he would be there to guard on me.

"Who are you?" I asked rude.

He raised his eyebrows smirking.

"the sunflower seed?" This was becoming ridiculous, even for a dream.
"That was not a sunflower, but a dark sun seed"
"Fuck that, is this some kind of joke?"

He made a swinging movement with his hand and a red mattress appeared, he asked me to sit there.

He took away his armor remaining with a heavy leather trouser. His skin was pale and scented.

He came and sat next to me, caressing my hair he made me lie down and rested at my side. His hand crawled under my blouse, touching me delicate and smooth like a feather. I closed my eyes and focused on that touch. Why did he do that? Why did he go away and sent him in his place.

I was upset and still I liked his touch, he seemed to know me, my body, he knew where and how to touch me.

The young fighter rested his head on my chest and he said:
"it's saying my name...your heart is saying my name...how do you know it?"
"I...I don't..."
I replied.
He kissed my neck and took my hands
"touch me. Learn about me. We are together now and even if you can't have me, we are meant to be this way"
He saw I didn't understand
"You know you are dreaming Boris?"
I had thought so.

The image of Sascha leaving passed by my eyes and I hugged my dark sun tightly, shaken by a sudden fear I could not fight against.

"You know he is gone for good...don't you?"

Is voice was low and calm, full of understanding. I felt it penetrate my body like a blade, I stopped breathing.

I felt tears flowing from my eyes and where they passed they burned.

"I am here" he said.
I wanted him to be, I wanted to feel him and to be protected.
His mouth found his way exploring my body.
Our hands on each other's body were hungry and the sweet sensation of mercy changed into rough desire.
I felt him shaking with desire, cold and smooth like silk.
I felt myself getting hot and feverish and when our bodies connected his voice calling my name made me lose conscience of time and space.
....

Waking up didn't seem to stop the charm, where his hands and mouth had been my body was  burning.

I tried not to move in my bed, maybe I would have fallen asleep again and I would have brought back to the sphere, where my warrior was waiting.

But the sun was already shining and the day had apparently come to stop the magic.

Friday 3 June 2011

when your own words seem to suck...

Use better ones...




I gotta tell you what I'm feelin' inside, I could lie to myself, but it's true
There's no denying when I look in your eyes, girl I'm out of my head over you
I lived my life believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever


I hear the echo of a promise I made
When you're strong you can stand on your own
But those words grow distant as I look at your face
No, I don't wanna go it alone
I never thought I'd lay my heart on the line
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

yeah!

I see my future when I look in your eyes
It took your love to make my heart come aliveCos I lived my life believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever


========================================================
MESSAGE FROM BORIS: the funny thing I still can't understand where I am, how much damage I have made and If I can repair. I am waiting to know this. I am waiting for the one who has all the answer I am looking for to share...
and oh, I have time so don't ever think it's too late.

that day beyond the Eclipse

That I had to lose you to admit that I love you, is so me.
I am still here though.
I have never believed in people coming back when they left, but you are not people and we share more.
I have memories of you I don't want to leave and, even if now it's silent, my heart remembers our melody, like the hands of a skilled violinist.

I had been living in the past until I met you, waiting for the hand of a ghost to caress me in the night and when you came, like a dark sun, to wake me up from that artificial sleep I had made the mistake of believing I deserved that, just because life took something away from me.

I have made a step back.
I know nothing is granted now, still I can't get over losing you.

Stay, please...stay.

I will be what you expect me to be, but don't step away.

Do you need time? You'll have time.
But give me that chance I have burned. Give it back and I'll be worth it.

The light of the day makes my head ache. I can't write any longer.

Maybe it's for the best, since my theatrical self has no words left to say.

I'll stay here and wait for that day beyond the Eclipse.

Thursday 2 June 2011

awakening

building a wall will not offer protection to the ones you love.
breaking a wall will not harm the ones who love you.
maybe will show a new path
Allow it to break mind and body and you'll break more than yours alone.

Wednesday 1 June 2011

the station

I walk down the street. It brings downtown at the railway station, a place full of hookers and dealers, a place where nobody cares to know me, where I can pay for sex and hear someone calling my name moaning with pleasure, where I can reach a smoke an dumb my senses to an artificial happiness.
It has not been like that all the way long.
There has been a period in which I could still feel.
But now it's over. I don't want to believe in something that will make me suffer again.
I get some warmth from the bodies I get to meet on the way and I drink out my rage.
looking into myself and searching for what remains of me.

I vaguely remember a dream.
sweet, scented, like a flower, cold and warm, I remember my heart beating faster, my eyes filled with passion. My breath was still bringing oxygen to my lungs then.
Now I have stopped breathing, beating, living.
I give it up, letting this life live me.

A friend told me that I had to avoid turning inwards, he said it would have been dangerous. But I don't care.
I don't care, because I lost the one thing that gave a sense to this journey: hope.

The gipsy took my hand and she said "you have a nice hand, you have lost someone you loved so much, your heart has been broken. You really wanted to die..and this man who played with the fire, he abused you, didn't he?" I kept listening to her uncanny tale, asking myself if anybody could have told the same and swallowing my fear, the uncertainty of the future, the pain of the past.

She stopped and looked at me.
Her eyes with to much kohl on them, deep and turbid, looked at me. She seems troubled
"I am sorry Sir, your life is short" She said I'll die at my forty two. I laughed

"What if I pay up. Am i going to live longer?"
she gives me back the money I had given her
"I am sorry" she says.

I look at her walking away trying to realise what she just told me. I am amused, but I feel uncomfortable.

After all this years, only now, I understand what she wanted to say. Death has a lot of meaning and losing hope is worse than losing life, since you are forced to live the life of a corpse or let yourself be lived.
I have no will. Nothing of the warm nights and the loving thoughts is being merciful.
I have been thrown from a train in motion, and many time I have thrown myself down a skyscraper, but this time I don't feel like doing it again: getting up to wait for the next crash.

I have some more things to do, serious things, like build my house on a piece of wreckage or keep myself alive. I will be fine because I always am. Because my nature is the one of a minstrel, being dramatic to reach the bottom and get up again. This could be pure strategy, if I could avoid believing in my own words.

Time to go.

I am walking to the last station now, I will sit there drinking until I forget some more and I can pretend that nothing happened.

shut down

Dreams are different from nightmares for their colours.
In nightmares also, it's always cold.
I felt cold tonight, I was shivering before falling asleep and the images tried to come blurry and confused.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I was looking for you.
You always came when I called you. Or then if you were gone maybe he would have been there, back from where he went after sending you to me.
Because if you are not there he has to be. He promised.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I had to vomit, I felt my stomach closing and then my lungs. silence.

I called you shouting desperate, but I could not hear my voice and the pain of knowing you could not hear me made my heart ache.
"Please, come back...come back I can't lose you"
Still the dark didn't open in a meadow, or a waterfall like it used to, the dark remained dark and the cold filled me until I woke up crying, pain in my chest.

What happened. I don't remember. I just cannot recover any memory.
I want to turn the watch back to when he was still here, a presence who never left me. A presence who dried my tears, caressed my hear, kissed my lips. But my watch is broken.

I shake it with rage, hating his pointers because they don't move.
Bastard. Why don't you work? I loved you with all my heart pocket watch...and you left me when I needed you the most...
I throw him on the table, the glass breaks. So does my heart.
But turning and seeing him there in pieces, makes me feel dirty and mean.
"I am sorry pocket watch. Forgive me, I didn't want to hurt you, but I am broken too, you know, and I cannot find the force to get up this time. I just can't"

I have to dress and go to work, but how can I do that I can't stop crying...A man? No, I am not a man. I am a very small shell full of uncertainties. A kid, with no hand to hold.
I have to deal with this alone.
I feel that every time I rest my head on someone's chest it crashes on a wall at the end. It's just that my friend was right, I have to chose, I have to stop creating drama, I have to stop chasing love, I have to stop the crap and take action.

I have to chose.

And I have chosen, I want to shut down.

========================================================================
AUTHOR'S note: before you say it, yes, I thought about all before writing this. Still I have decided to write. I am guilty and I wait for the penalty “We have nothing further to add your Honor”

PS: WTF! I just got a 105€ ticket for high speed, I was apparently going 18.64 mph faster than allowed. As if I had a porche.

Tuesday 31 May 2011

How To Tell If You’re A Writer

How To Tell If You’re A Writer


I am one with the last three

statement

One day I will discover what it is that makes me produce stupidity.
I hope it's something that can be operated.

I want to write
just one word
the one that makes me
feel alive.
But it's stuck,
like someone who
said "I am not leaving"
but in the eyes you
see a light showing
they have already left.
I am trying to keep myself
from feeling
because feeling is
something that never
gave me long
happyness
But I lost control of
this engine.
And the feelings come out of it like
gasses,
that make me suffocate.
Still I am happy, because I knew
that illusions show their face
just in that moment when you
think they have become real.
and for the first time
I didn't run away
but went to crash on it full speed.
I knew someone who told me
that you cannot be deceived but only deceive yourself.
I strongly believe that.
Nobody has the power to hurt you
if you don't allow that.
I have created a time bomb
and kept it on my lap,
caressing it while waiting
for it to explode (and I am able to let time pass fast when it doesn't have to)
Now that I am surrounded by
Pieces of something I can't recognize
I feel like nothing is
imoportant anymore.
Nothing but that one word.

Monday 30 May 2011

The last night

In the night it's easier to write, to talk, to make mistakes.
In the night it's easy to fall in love and to be deceived, or to deceive.
The night is the place where I want to be.
I am feeling the black of the night on me it's a shelter, I like to touch it and to be in there like in a shell.
Sometimes lonely doesn't mean alone. It's a status of mind you create for yourself to escape from something, someone, nothing.
The words I can't say just fall down my throat and fill my lungs with diamonds.
I like that sensation of struggle.
The only colours of my nights is crimson, a crimson dust covering all the things around me, my soul and my heart.
I collected all the words and made a fire.
They are gone with their ashes.
I see them flying and I wave with my hand like they would just be leaving on vacation.
But they won't come back.
Crimson dust covers my body too and it puts me to sleep.
A deep sleep without dreams or joy or sorrow.
Only silence.

Desafinado, my indecent tune. -letter to a dream-

I feel like an instrument kept a half tone lower on purpose, because the musician likes it that way and his finger find better their position when the tune is a little bit off.
I caught myself thinking about you and me, an obscene thought of wet bodies, entangled, loud, loving each other with rough desire.
I dream about you when you are away and sometimes even when you are here and I silently look at you.
I don't tell you all, not for shame but because I prefer to talk to you with my hands, with the warmth of my body.
I want to taste you.
And I can't stop thinking about my mouth exploring your body.
You are the one who is made to be balanced, I am the one who needs to get crazy about you.
That's how it has always been between us.

You are sleeping now.
While I look outside the window I hear you moving, and I come nearer to your bed; the night lights are illuminating your face and I see you smiling in your sleep.

I want to kiss you so much, but I am afraid to wake you up.
Your eyes slowly open and you look at me.

Kissing your lips makes me feel dizzy, you are a drug to me after all, and I can't ever get enough of your taste, I can't live without your scent.

The silence is so soft and heavy, smooth and warm like velvet.

You stretch like a cat looking at me with a naughty question in your eyes. You know how to set me on fire, and you know you do.
I can't behave. Are there extenuating circumstances for someone who has lost his mind?
I nibble at your lips and explore their profile with my tongue

When I take you in my arms you seems so fragile your hands are cold and cold are your lips playing with mines.

Don't ever try to escape from this embrace, I am living at the rhythm of your heartbeat, I am waiting for each kiss, for your scent, for your warmth to fill my body.

Life is not forever, but when you are with me I don't care if the world disappears. Keep on kissing me and I won't even realize that.

This words, you won't ever hear them from my mouth, but I'll tell them to the reflection of you in my dreams, little piece of universe filling my sleep.

Oh, I almost forgot...I am going to bring strawberries and Champagne to our next date...

falling

Every time we meet we end up making love.
A stranger eye would think we have nothing else in common than this desire, but they don't know. They can't know.

I went to the artificial lake last night. I thought it would have relaxed me to take a shower under the hot water fall. When I arrived there the moon was shining and the landscape was unreal.

I removed my clothes and stepped under the water curtain. The water was pleasantly warm I sat on a flat rock and dropped my head.
Last time I went there it was with Kid.
When I think about Kid I feel sick, like someone would have just hit my stomach.

I cried, nobody was watching so I cried.

Suddenly someone came through the water, I saw the body slender and pale. It was you.
"Sho, what are you doing here?" I tried to control my voice. You were the last person I wanted to see me crying.

"I am here to soothe your pain Bo"
as usual, I cannot hide you anything, because you know me too good, because you can feel what I feel before I realize it myself.

I smiled.
"I am fine baby"

"Like hell you are. Why don't you just give up trying to fight alone?"
"Because this is my fight. I can't wait for you to save me Sho. You can't take me out of this. Nobody else than me can"

You looked away, I thought you were annoyed for what I said, but after a while you turned back at me and walked carefully on the wet rocks.
You took my hand and I followed you.
Behind the fall there is a big rock covered with moss.
You pushed me down.

"I am going to be the one to fix this. You will forget the pain, because you'll have a sweeter pain to take care of. What do you think love is? Love is pain and desire, passion and struggle. This is the only way we can be together and you can't do anything about it neither can I..."

I felt my eyes burning, I was crying. I didn't want you to see it. I felt weak, broken.
I stopped being the man who used to take you like a hurricane, now the time had come for me to let you do it. To stop the sorrow and all the crap I was constantly focusing on...Just to feel you.

You kissed my chest your, your tongue was leaving a heated sign at its touch. I touched your hair...I wanted to move and take your hands but you stopped me.

"Tonight you are not allowed to move" you said
you kissed me slowly, hesitating at every sound I made.
I thought it would have been difficult to passively accept that pleasure, that pain. But it happened so naturally like it was meant to be.
Your warmth filled me and I surrendered.
Your lips tasted of cherry and me.
"Kiss me Sho, I want you to kiss me until it's over I want to lose my memory of anything else than you"
"I am here" you said moving slowly, your voice trembling.

yes you are here and I want you to be here, always.
If I would miss you, there would be no reason to fight anymore.

The moon was still there when you came to lie on my chest, your breath still fast and shallow.

I closed my eyes and tried to fix that moment into my memory, letting all the rest flow away.
"Are you ok?" you asked
Instead of answering I kissed your lips gently.

A stranger eye would think we have nothing else in common than this desire, but they don't know. They can't know that we don't need to talk because we are one.

======================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR (to the author): very good Bo, really very very good! But don't tell me I didn't warn you when you'll be too far.

Saturday 28 May 2011

ὄνειρος

It's like starting an engine. The heat grows and explodes generating actions and feelings, sounds and scents. I am not able to stop this even if I know it will bring me far, to a place I will not want to leave.

Hungry hands, eager mouth and uncontrolled desire are like shooting stars they told me. But not for me, and my dreams reflect my soul, cropping the image, to eliminate the distortion of a reality I don't like.
My dreams are my shelter.

I have places I can recognize there and lips I can trust waiting for me.
And I have my dark sun.

I am someone who likes to play a game until the end using all his cards. I don't need to cheat, since I don't need to win.

In my dreams you always win.

I had to wake up anyway this morning, even if the dream was holding me like the tentacles of a giant squid.
I wanted to sink in it. I wanted to sink in you.

The memories of a past I couldn't leave, melted with the ones of a future I don't know and my mouth between your legs sorted out what was missing. I heard you begging me to stop teasing you and take you right there, but it was my voice and all of a sudden it was you the one holding my wrists and entering me like we would be making love for the first time.

It was desperate, like you felt you had to leave and passionate as the first one of a million other times to come.

Harder. I don't want to forget this night.

Let me show you pleasure, let's lose our reason together even if nothing it's true and you will leave this place when dawn comes.

I moan your name out of control, you kiss me silent.

This time you look at me with the eyes of someone who knows he has me in his power and I like to be dominated by this look, I like you leading the game and I don't care for this one time to be the one who is  taken, explored and conquered.

Our climax is made of entangled sensations.
Please, keep on kissing me while you release the tension...let me feel your pleasure and keep your body into mine until the last spasm of desire is gone.

These dreams are loud, coloured and scented. They are so real I feel I could take you out of there and make you mine forever.

But it's just an image, the map of the oneironaut, to reach the treasure every night again and again, until my time will be finished and the game over.

=====================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: If you would be here now, and not in my dreams where you belong, I would be waking you up to make love again, but this time it would be me the one making you beg for mercy...I know... at the end I love being teased, but I am a man and I need to have at least the impression I am the leader...aaarrrghh! I want to fall asleep again. DAMN IT.

Shooting stars

the meadow - storyboard of a dream

I felt cold, the grass was wet but I liked to feel it under my bare feet. In the sky the moon was looking at the meadow and I was staring at the sky, without thinking, just enjoying.

I closed my eyes for a second turning on my side, trying to crawl in the womb of the night.

When I opened my eyes he was there.

The wind caressed the grass of the meadow and his pale skin, making him look like a pearl in the darkness of the ocean.

He rested his head on one arm and kept the other on his hip.

I pulled myself up to be able to see his eyes in the moonlight.
He smiled.

"You know I want you? Don't you?"

I moved slowly and he laid on his back letting me sit on his lap.
The wind combed my hair and the sweet smell of flower of the meadow numbed my senses.
His eyes were languid and serious.
He pulled my arms above his head, my chest against his chest, my lips, so near to his lips.
His heart was beating fast and the beat seemed to fill the silence:

"Don't you feel that?"

his words in a whisper reached my skin.
I shivered.
"I can't hold back. I can't anymore" I said lost in my desire.

He took my lips between his lips sucking them shortly. His tongue was sweet and skilled.

I had lost.
I couldn't lead the game any longer.

We kissed, each kiss burned like fire, it burned like the mark of his lips on my neck.

He sat and I felt his heat conquering my body, not a sound covered my low moans. Only his breath deep and regular and the sound of our kisses, of his mouth exploring my body.

The sweat covering his body was shining in the moonlight.
Nobody could see or hear us, the moon was the only witness.

We made love till the first lights begun to bring mist into the meadow.
I closed my eyes and smelled his scent which had filled the forest, the meadow and myself.

==============================================================

Note of the author: I could make love to you forever. Dreams are like an inverted reflection.

Monday 23 May 2011

sleep

It's like being under water and trying to breathe.
the sensation of no hair reaching your lungs.
But I am not scared, if I stop breathing you'll be my last thought before this velvet dark.
I am tired.
I see your lips moving but I hear no sound.
No sound.
I like diving into this unknown feeling, familiar still unknown.

a touch of heaven

I let my fingers glide on your back "are you alright?" the question comes out of my lips in a whisper broken from this desire that is grabbing my throat.
You don't answer.
Your eyes of white tiger look at me, mischievous and sensual.
I close mine trying to keep myself together.
your lips on my neck burn, like fire.
"Sho..." it's like I am pronouncing your name for the first time.
My hands are still exploring your body.
I gently pull you towards me, you don't oppose resistance and we come to lie side by side.
I like the silver of your skin illuminated by the moonlight, you are a porcelain doll
to which they have stolen innocence.
"kiss me"
Kiss me like it would be the last kiss you give in your life.
I want to taste you, not only imagine your taste.
Your sweet scent crawls into my senses.
How long can I still resist without losing my reason.
I want you in all the ways possible.
"Open your eyes" you say "I want you to look at me..."
your tongue caresses the red of your lips.
You move nearer.
"Even if this is only a dream, you will feel it..." you take my hand and shortly suck at my finger.
Tension is rising in my body, but I can't move
"A dream..?" I ask you "How can it be, I smell you...I taste you...if this is a dream I never want to wake up..."
"Never is such a long time..."
Your lips are now so near.
I can't resist.
stop teasing.
nearer...just another inch.
A small kiss, like a cherry in the mouth of a kid.
I know you want me too, I can feel your breath getting faster and deeper, but I can't move, my body is suddenly not responding to my command.
A kiss, deeper, longer.
"Bo, I won't let you sleep. I want you to loose control..."
as if there would be a next step to this madness.
...
The warmth of your body, the way you move, the taste of your lips...the silk of your skin...Please, let me take you before I become insane.
...
...
I open my eyes. The hotel room is cold.
your taste is still on my tongue and your scent all around me.
you are probably sleeping now, I can't call you to tell you that I miss you.
....
My phone vibrates.
a text.
"dreams are more real than reality and so fabulous. I miss you."
I miss you too baby.
I don't text back though. I don't want you to know how I feel right now, but i don't want to lie either, so I enjoy knowing you are thinking of me and dreaming of me like I do of you...do you know how much I love you?

Jasmine and  cherry blossoms: this is what heaven tastes like.


Note of the author: I am an old jerk who enjoys love and sex too much to ever give up.  HERE the soundtrack of my sin.