lights 'n shadows

The days getting shorter is a neat contrast with my need of light.

I have always been a son of the dark, no difference for me between the hours after the sunset and the ones preceding the sunrise, hours where the streets are populated only by the noise of trucks and cars, barking dogs and buzzing broken street lamps.

It has been a trial at first and then a ritual, to become at the very end, the only knowledge I had of existence.

I have been avoiding company and daylight because I needed to give some time to myself to decide which direction my life had to follow.

I am out of it now.

In the night all is wrapped in the undefined, all it's out of focus and you easily lose yourself without noticing. I have been through that before. Nothing is easier than giving shape to a dream if it happens during the night and your eyes are open.

But that won't last.

I have tried to create for myself an artificial existence chained into this virtual world, stuck between a reality I found difficult to accept and a dream I was feeding my soul and my blood to. I have lived in a wonder made of bittersweet sensations believing I could exchange real life with a beautiful illusion.

In the night I was a poet, an artist a lover.

In the night I could be myself change my name, my creed, my orientation.

In the night I didn't need to justify my passions, I didn't have to be ashamed of my desire and you were there with me, in no space and no time.

But that didn't last.

Reality have come knocking at my door and I have found the signs of time on my face and my hair getting grey and my heart getting smaller each time I thought about how my life could have been if I only would have made other choices.

Discovering that you have kept on choosing and making your path narrower with each decision can brake you. The more you fly high the more you hurt yourself when you fall. A fallen angel. Maybe better a lost dog, I have been licking my wounds hoping to recover soon, but the scars reminded me of all I wanted to forget, day by day.

When I thought the bottom was an inch under my feet I woke up. I woke up and I have seen the truth, living a dream is and remains a lie.

I had to choose, once more: remaining in the lie hoping not to need to wake up, maybe one day before my death and realizing I had lost all the experiences, the good and the bad ones, that life could give me or bear the pain to go back to reality, resume my life and carry on with dignity.

That's why I have disappeared. That's why you didn't see me or hear from me anymore.

I have been looking for that light I had avoided for so long. Now I bear the burning pain of the past and I have to subdue myself to the limits this long period of inactivity has imposed me.

I am doing well. I could even dare to say I feel like…happy. Some of us are not really meant to have a specific place in this world, the secret is not to force yourself to find one, no matter what.

I write this to put a mark to the beginning of a new era, in which I am what I am and I stop hiding in the blur of darkness.

I am not stating that from now on I'll always be under the sun, habits are difficult to change, especially for an old devil like me.
I'll only try to keep it simple like when life was only you and me playing under that burning sun in that courtyard.