How To Tell If You’re A Writer

How To Tell If You’re A Writer


I am one with the last three

statement

One day I will discover what it is that makes me produce stupidity.
I hope it's something that can be operated.

I want to write just one word the one that makes me feel alive. But it's stuck, like someone who said "I am not leaving" but in the eyes you see a light showing they have already left. I am trying to keep myself from feeling because feeling is something that never gave me long happyness But I lost control of this engine. And the feelings come out of it like gasses, that make me suffocate. Still I am happy, because I knew that illusions show their face just in that moment when you think they have become real. and for the first time I didn't run away but went to crash on it full speed. I knew someone who told me that you cannot be deceived but only deceive yourself. I strongly believe that. Nobody has the power to hurt you if you don't allow that. I have created a time bomb and kept it on my lap, caressing it while waiting for it to explode (and I am able to let time pass fast when it doesn't have to) Now that I am surrounded by Pieces of something I can't recognize I feel like nothing is imoportant anymore. Nothing but that one word.

The last night

In the night it's easier to write, to talk, to make mistakes.
In the night it's easy to fall in love and to be deceived, or to deceive.
The night is the place where I want to be.
I am feeling the black of the night on me it's a shelter, I like to touch it and to be in there like in a shell.
Sometimes lonely doesn't mean alone. It's a status of mind you create for yourself to escape from something, someone, nothing.
The words I can't say just fall down my throat and fill my lungs with diamonds.
I like that sensation of struggle.
The only colours of my nights is crimson, a crimson dust covering all the things around me, my soul and my heart.
I collected all the words and made a fire.
They are gone with their ashes.
I see them flying and I wave with my hand like they would just be leaving on vacation.
But they won't come back.
Crimson dust covers my body too and it puts me to sleep.
A deep sleep without dreams or joy or sorrow.
Only silence.

Desafinado, my indecent tune. -letter to a dream-

I feel like an instrument kept a half tone lower on purpose, because the musician likes it that way and his finger find better their position when the tune is a little bit off.
I caught myself thinking about you and me, an obscene thought of wet bodies, entangled, loud, loving each other with rough desire.
I dream about you when you are away and sometimes even when you are here and I silently look at you.
I don't tell you all, not for shame but because I prefer to talk to you with my hands, with the warmth of my body.
I want to taste you.
And I can't stop thinking about my mouth exploring your body.
You are the one who is made to be balanced, I am the one who needs to get crazy about you.
That's how it has always been between us.

You are sleeping now.
While I look outside the window I hear you moving, and I come nearer to your bed; the night lights are illuminating your face and I see you smiling in your sleep.

I want to kiss you so much, but I am afraid to wake you up.
Your eyes slowly open and you look at me.

Kissing your lips makes me feel dizzy, you are a drug to me after all, and I can't ever get enough of your taste, I can't live without your scent.

The silence is so soft and heavy, smooth and warm like velvet.

You stretch like a cat looking at me with a naughty question in your eyes. You know how to set me on fire, and you know you do.
I can't behave. Are there extenuating circumstances for someone who has lost his mind?
I nibble at your lips and explore their profile with my tongue

When I take you in my arms you seems so fragile your hands are cold and cold are your lips playing with mines.

Don't ever try to escape from this embrace, I am living at the rhythm of your heartbeat, I am waiting for each kiss, for your scent, for your warmth to fill my body.

Life is not forever, but when you are with me I don't care if the world disappears. Keep on kissing me and I won't even realize that.

This words, you won't ever hear them from my mouth, but I'll tell them to the reflection of you in my dreams, little piece of universe filling my sleep.

Oh, I almost forgot...I am going to bring strawberries and Champagne to our next date...

falling

Every time we meet we end up making love.
A stranger eye would think we have nothing else in common than this desire, but they don't know. They can't know.

I went to the artificial lake last night. I thought it would have relaxed me to take a shower under the hot water fall. When I arrived there the moon was shining and the landscape was unreal.

I removed my clothes and stepped under the water curtain. The water was pleasantly warm I sat on a flat rock and dropped my head.
Last time I went there it was with Kid.
When I think about Kid I feel sick, like someone would have just hit my stomach.

I cried, nobody was watching so I cried.

Suddenly someone came through the water, I saw the body slender and pale. It was you.
"Sho, what are you doing here?" I tried to control my voice. You were the last person I wanted to see me crying.

"I am here to soothe your pain Bo"
as usual, I cannot hide you anything, because you know me too good, because you can feel what I feel before I realize it myself.

I smiled.
"I am fine baby"

"Like hell you are. Why don't you just give up trying to fight alone?"
"Because this is my fight. I can't wait for you to save me Sho. You can't take me out of this. Nobody else than me can"

You looked away, I thought you were annoyed for what I said, but after a while you turned back at me and walked carefully on the wet rocks.
You took my hand and I followed you.
Behind the fall there is a big rock covered with moss.
You pushed me down.

"I am going to be the one to fix this. You will forget the pain, because you'll have a sweeter pain to take care of. What do you think love is? Love is pain and desire, passion and struggle. This is the only way we can be together and you can't do anything about it neither can I..."

I felt my eyes burning, I was crying. I didn't want you to see it. I felt weak, broken.
I stopped being the man who used to take you like a hurricane, now the time had come for me to let you do it. To stop the sorrow and all the crap I was constantly focusing on...Just to feel you.

You kissed my chest your, your tongue was leaving a heated sign at its touch. I touched your hair...I wanted to move and take your hands but you stopped me.

"Tonight you are not allowed to move" you said
you kissed me slowly, hesitating at every sound I made.
I thought it would have been difficult to passively accept that pleasure, that pain. But it happened so naturally like it was meant to be.
Your warmth filled me and I surrendered.
Your lips tasted of cherry and me.
"Kiss me Sho, I want you to kiss me until it's over I want to lose my memory of anything else than you"
"I am here" you said moving slowly, your voice trembling.

yes you are here and I want you to be here, always.
If I would miss you, there would be no reason to fight anymore.

The moon was still there when you came to lie on my chest, your breath still fast and shallow.

I closed my eyes and tried to fix that moment into my memory, letting all the rest flow away.
"Are you ok?" you asked
Instead of answering I kissed your lips gently.

A stranger eye would think we have nothing else in common than this desire, but they don't know. They can't know that we don't need to talk because we are one.

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NOTE OF THE AUTHOR (to the author): very good Bo, really very very good! But don't tell me I didn't warn you when you'll be too far.

ὄνειρος

It's like starting an engine. The heat grows and explodes generating actions and feelings, sounds and scents. I am not able to stop this even if I know it will bring me far, to a place I will not want to leave.

Hungry hands, eager mouth and uncontrolled desire are like shooting stars they told me. But not for me, and my dreams reflect my soul, cropping the image, to eliminate the distortion of a reality I don't like.

My dreams are my shelter.

I have places I can recognize there and lips I can trust waiting for me.

And I have my dark sun.

I am someone who likes to play a game until the end using all his cards. I don't need to cheat, since I don't need to win.

In my dreams you always win.

I had to wake up anyway this morning, even if the dream was holding me like the tentacles of a giant squid.

I wanted to sink in it. I wanted to sink in you.

The memories of a past I couldn't leave, melted with the ones of a future I don't know and my mouth between your legs sorted out what was missing. I heard you begging me to stop teasing you and take you right there, but it was my voice and all of a sudden it was you the one holding my wrists and entering me like we would be making love for the first time.

It was desperate, like you felt you had to leave and passionate as the first one of a million other times to come.

Harder. I don't want to forget this night.

Let me show you pleasure, let's lose our reason together even if nothing it's true and you will leave this place when dawn comes.

I moan your name out of control, you kiss me silent.

This time you look at me with the eyes of someone who knows he has me in his power and I like to be dominated by this look, I like you leading the game and I don't care for this one time to be the one who is  taken, explored and conquered.

Our climax is made of entangled sensations.
Please, keep on kissing me while you release the tension...let me feel your pleasure and keep your body into mine until the last spasm of desire is gone.

These dreams are loud, coloured and scented. They are so real I feel I could take you out of there and make you mine forever.

But it's just an image, the map of the oneironaut, to reach the treasure every night again and again, until my time will be finished and the game over.

=====================================================================

NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: If you would be here now, and not in my dreams where you belong, I would be waking you up to make love again, but this time it would be me the one making you beg for mercy...I know... at the end I love being teased, but I am a man and I need to have at least the impression I am the leader...aaarrrghh! I want to fall asleep again. DAMN IT.

Shooting stars

the meadow - storyboard of a dream

I felt cold, the grass was wet but I liked to feel it under my bare feet. In the sky the moon was looking at the meadow and I was staring at the sky, without thinking, just enjoying.

I closed my eyes for a second turning on my side, trying to crawl in the womb of the night.

When I opened my eyes he was there.

The wind caressed the grass of the meadow and his pale skin, making him look like a pearl in the darkness of the ocean.

He rested his head on one arm and kept the other on his hip.

I pulled myself up to be able to see his eyes in the moonlight.
He smiled.

"You know I want you? Don't you?"

I moved slowly and he laid on his back letting me sit on his lap.
The wind combed my hair and the sweet smell of flower of the meadow numbed my senses.
His eyes were languid and serious.
He pulled my arms above his head, my chest against his chest, my lips, so near to his lips.
His heart was beating fast and the beat seemed to fill the silence:

"Don't you feel that?"

his words in a whisper reached my skin.
I shivered.
"I can't hold back. I can't anymore" I said lost in my desire.

He took my lips between his lips sucking them shortly. His tongue was sweet and skilled.

I had lost.
I couldn't lead the game any longer.

We kissed, each kiss burned like fire, it burned like the mark of his lips on my neck.

He sat and I felt his heat conquering my body, not a sound covered my low moans. Only his breath deep and regular and the sound of our kisses, of his mouth exploring my body.

The sweat covering his body was shining in the moonlight.
Nobody could see or hear us, the moon was the only witness.

We made love till the first lights begun to bring mist into the meadow.
I closed my eyes and smelled his scent which had filled the forest, the meadow and myself.

==============================================================

Note of the author: I could make love to you forever. Dreams are like an inverted reflection.

sleep

It's like being under water and trying to breathe.
the sensation of no hair reaching your lungs.
But I am not scared, if I stop breathing you'll be my last thought before this velvet dark.
I am tired.
I see your lips moving but I hear no sound.
No sound.
I like diving into this unknown feeling, familiar still unknown.

a touch of heaven

I let my fingers glide on your back "are you alright?" the question comes out of my lips in a whisper broken from this desire that is grabbing my throat.
You don't answer.
Your eyes of white tiger look at me, mischievous and sensual.
I close mine trying to keep myself together.
your lips on my neck burn, like fire.
"Sho..." it's like I am pronouncing your name for the first time.
My hands are still exploring your body.
I gently pull you towards me, you don't oppose resistance and we come to lie side by side.
I like the silver of your skin illuminated by the moonlight, you are a porcelain doll
to which they have stolen innocence.
"kiss me"
Kiss me like it would be the last kiss you give in your life.
I want to taste you, not only imagine your taste.
Your sweet scent crawls into my senses.
How long can I still resist without losing my reason.
I want you in all the ways possible.
"Open your eyes" you say "I want you to look at me..."
your tongue caresses the red of your lips.
You move nearer.
"Even if this is only a dream, you will feel it..." you take my hand and shortly suck at my finger.
Tension is rising in my body, but I can't move
"A dream..?" I ask you "How can it be, I smell you...I taste you...if this is a dream I never want to wake up..."
"Never is such a long time..."
Your lips are now so near.
I can't resist.
stop teasing.
nearer...just another inch.
A small kiss, like a cherry in the mouth of a kid.
I know you want me too, I can feel your breath getting faster and deeper, but I can't move, my body is suddenly not responding to my command.
A kiss, deeper, longer.
"Bo, I won't let you sleep. I want you to loose control..."
as if there would be a next step to this madness.
...
The warmth of your body, the way you move, the taste of your lips...the silk of your skin...Please, let me take you before I become insane.
...
...
I open my eyes. The hotel room is cold.
your taste is still on my tongue and your scent all around me.
you are probably sleeping now, I can't call you to tell you that I miss you.
....
My phone vibrates.
a text.
"dreams are more real than reality and so fabulous. I miss you."
I miss you too baby.
I don't text back though. I don't want you to know how I feel right now, but i don't want to lie either, so I enjoy knowing you are thinking of me and dreaming of me like I do of you...do you know how much I love you?

Jasmine and  cherry blossoms: this is what heaven tastes like.


Note of the author: I am an old jerk who enjoys love and sex too much to ever give up.  HERE the soundtrack of my sin.

the string of your pleasure

strong and frigile

your lips move slowly

your tongue caressing each word

I can't hear your voice

but I feel it crawling 

into my blood

euphory

deep sensation of

freedom

Years behind me do not

count

anymore

You blow all away with 

your sensual strength

I play my melody on your body

hesitating fingers

discovering the

string of your pleasure.

Author's note: Playing violin just before sleepinhg is exciting. Possibly too exciting.

 Or maybe is just exams stress....if all stress is like the dream of tonight...man! let it come...cough*

The 100th day of the steel monkey

I can’t distinguish the scenery, since my head keeps on changing it. The clouds are shaded of purple and crimson and the soil is made of little shells. My feet are bleeding, but I can’t feel the pain.

I in my own eyes - A steel monkey.

Step by step following a destination that is made of melted gold, I surround myself with the scent of your skin. You are the beginning and the end. You are my dark sun.

You in my eyes – a silver tiger.

My hands glide on the silk of your legs, lanky pirate looking for a lecherous treasure. I taste the sweet and bitter flavor of your soul and whisper images in your hear. You reply with an absent laugh, while concentrating on the dialogue of our bodies.

I turn life on while licking our desire from your lips.

Slow movements unsettle my body forced into yours, sealed in a natural struggle.

I want to feel more.

I want to feel longer.

Unconsciously hurting you I tie you up and devour you.

The 100^th day of the steel monkey.

The sky is still full of kites and on those clouds we are making love.

Sweetly rough statement of simple joy.

PS: I had a dream of you and the only thing I remember is you tasted of jasmine...

for music only

And Montale wrote

The Storm

Les princes n'ont point d'yeux pour voir ces grand's merveilles,
Leurs mains ne servent plus qu' à nous persécuter . . .
                                                    (Agrippa D' Aubigné: À Dieu)

The storm that trickles its long March
thunderclaps, its hail, onto the stiff
leaves of the magnolia tree;

(sounds of shaking crystal which startle you
in your nest of sleep; and the gold
snuffed on the mahogany, on the backs
of the bound books, flares again
like a grain of sugar in the shell
of your eyelids)

the lightning that blanches
the trees and walls, freezing them
like images on a negative (a benediction
and destruction you carry carved
within you, a condemnation that binds you
stronger to me than any love, my strange sister);
and then the tearing crash, the jangling sistrums, the rustle
of tambourines in the dark ditch of the night,
the tramp, scrape, jump of the fandango. . .and overhead
some gesture that blindly is groping. . .
                                                           as when
turning around, and, sweeping clear your forehead
of its cloud of hair,

you waved to me—and entered the dark.

                                                                          translated by Charles Wright

And Boris wrote:

Let the rain melt
with the hour you don't pronounce
not to wake it up.
Not so loud
not so silent
stay but leave
path wide and confortable.
One second more
into this nest
then I'll leave
for another shore
smiling crow
happy mirror.

avoid looking for
undistinguished explanations.
give up red and pick up steal
now it's fine
for both of us
so don't look for a pen
to trace line on a white
calm shore
there'll be no more writings
only music
music you don't need to
think
but only
enjoy


oh, so fine.

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author's note: life is fucking awesome.

cornered

Run.
I am out of breath; I feel the sweat running down my back.
Run.
From what am I escaping? I don’t know but I don’t want to die and my brain tells me I have to run.
But running into the dark is difficult.
I hear my heartbeat fast and irregular.
I look for him but I can’t see him through this dark mist.
Then that face comes out of nothing with its white eyeballs, the grey skin, with its crimson lips. The mouth goes open showing teeth sharp as a razor blade. It wants to bite me, to devour me.
I squeeze my eyes but I keep on seeing it.
The horror is that this is my face that’s me, the dead part of me, that me I hate, the demon, the murderer, the shadow.

I wake up.

It was just a nightmare, damn it.

I dry the sweat on my forehead with my arm. The alarm clock says 3 am.
I look for you with my hand the bed is empty, but your pillow is still warm. I bury my face into it and deeply inhale your scent. Incense and sweet flowers.
I get up and come to look for you.
You are preparing herbal tea in the kitchen.
“How are you Bo? You had a terrible night. You were having that nightmare again?”
I don’t answer I just hold you tight and kiss you. I kiss you like it would be the last time.
“Sho…”
Your name sleeps out of my lips, like a warm breeze “Sho…” I have the impression that repeating your name will tie you up at me.
My lips look for yours and you abandon yourself into my embrace.
We go back to bed. I want the light on, I want to see your grey eyes and that light they have while I am making love to you.
I want to see you pearly small teeth biting your lips when I taste you and your expression, mixed of pain and pleasure while I come into you like a wave, to wash away my doubts and the fear I have to lose you.
Kiss me until I die Sho, I don’t care what happens around me while you are kissing me. Your taste is like a sweet drug dragging me into a soft oblivion.
You touch my chest with your fingertips smiling.
“Bo, I am here, don’t worry”
I kiss your hand renewing my silent vow to you, I’ll be only yours until the end of my life.
When I make love to you to save my soul I always feel guilty. You give me so much and I don’t give anything in return. You always cheer me up and I am always dark.
That’s what makes me scared of losing you.
I am a crimson moon who obscures the light of a beautiful sun.
You push me down.
“Stop doing this Bo. Stop trying to convince yourself I’m leaving not to suffer when it happens…it’s useless”
“How do you…” I am scared of how deep into me you are allowed to look.
“I am the other half of you…I am the fluid filling the void”
Yeah, probably there’s no better way to say it. You just complete me.
Your kisses burn like fire on my skin. I see you smiling at my moans, you won’t stop, not tonight.
I won’t mind being weak, for one night only.
I want you to save me, even if this means you are taking my sin on you.
When you seat on me I get up and I hold you, kissing your neck and crying out your name, with a voice broken by pleasure a voice that I don’t recognized if it’s not mixed to yours.
Our moans die together leaving place to deep breath we still suffocate in desirous kisses.
“God! I love you Sho. I can’t live without you…”
“You shouldn’t give me this self confidence Mr….” Your smirk shows me that you are making fun of me.
You get sweet again all of a sudden “That you are so old and still I have to protect you…look at you!”
I bury my head in your chest and you play with my hair.
“I could stay here forever…” I say
“Then just do it. Let’s stay here and make love again…””
You don’t really need to ask it, still this is one of the best moments of my life.

I can almost forget that face with its white eyeballs, the grey skin, the crimson lips.
But I feel it’s there in a corner of my mind, ready to bite again.

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Note of the author: The only thing I ask is that you will be in my dreams to save me when it happens. I only need you to save me from myself. And that scares me.