the storm is not outside

You are the image changing the void.
I am aware I am not supposed to desire you, but the sensations flowing out of the thoughts of you take my body and make of it an approving slave.

I was trying to forget the colors and scents of a storm and I have fallen into the trap of memory, recalling your movements, the taste of your body, the sound of your moans.

And those words.

Tales, of past and future, of worlds I never knew of a reality I don't recognize.
I would like to hear your voice, I would like to talk to you for hours or just stay in silence because your silence is shining and I see your beauty through that light.

I kiss your shoulder, holding you tightly, because I am afraid  that you'll disappear.
You let your fingers glide down my back and whisper in my hear smiling gently.

I love to see that expression on your face. You bite your under lip and take my body gently and roughly at the same time. I surrender to you because suddenly it's hard to breathe, to move or even to think.
I want you with me, for one hour, one second or even eternity.

Don't be scared. I know that my limit lies on the bottom of an empty glass and the bliss of making love will not make me forget where the truth is.
Trust me.

I am a jerk, I am not sane, I am lost in you, but I keep my promises.

I don't want to lose this touch, velvet ice on me, burning silently.
While the image fades, I listen to the rhythm of my own heart beating under a sky which is different, but still the same.

I am producing new reasons to apologize.

But I don't want to stop, I don't want you to leave, I want my dull days to bring me to hot nights of happiness, where you are again the only image dominating the void.

========================================================================
Note of the author: It's always so breathtaking that I am not even sorry. damn.

Let Boris do what he is meant to do (non posso dormire)

My fingers can't find their place on the strings anymore.
Resting.
Sleeping without dreams.
waking up without memory.
knowing what I want.

Can you play for me?
I am going to lend you these fingers,
this soul
if you want to
It's useless to me
if the sun shines on it
and there is no moonlight to make it
colder,
deeper.

can you play for me?
I want to feel your hands
ice
burning
stealing
all I have to give.

the reality come hard to remind me that my all is not much.

Getting out of life on polished steel, getting out of life on the wings of a crimson crow.
But flying scares me.
Hurry up, Boris. before I change my mind.

AUTOR NOTE: I am really sorry to have thought, only for a moment, that I could forget you or give your name to someone else. I want to sleep.
Ritorna da me. Le tue dita tra i miei capelli...

I can't read what I wrote. I am falling asleep...

Shooting stars

The old house has a porch at the back. Behind the house a view on the artificial lake. I could sit there for hours, smoking, drinking. Waiting.

"I knew I would have found you here..."

I was spacing out I didn't hear you coming.

"I am so happy you made it...I am never sure if you will be able to reach me but every time I come here I really hope to find you"

"I want to be here too"

You seat next to me on the wooden planks of the porch floor and you place your hand on my leg.

We both seat there, the head leaning on the shallow walls, our eyes shut, close to each other in silence.

I lay my hand on yours.

Entangled fingers.

My eyes are still closed, I don't dare to look at you because I know that I will not be able to hold back if I look into your eyes.

I am scared, I don't want you to get bored of this. I don't want you to get bored of me.

I squeeze my eyes closed, until they hurt.

I feel you moving and after a while you are sitting on my lap, your arms around my neck your head resting on my chest.

Don't open your eyes Boris. Don't open your eyes...you could wake up if you do. You could lose his image if you do.

You are kissing me softly. I feel your teeth grazing my neck, I feel your tongue, shyly tasting my skin.

Don't open your eyes Boris

"D-don't...you are.." I hear you smiling, your warm breath makes me shiver.

"I won't leave. You are not asking this, but I know that's what you want. I am in your mind remember?"

You never talk so much. What's with this now? Are you trying to convince me that I am crazy about you?

as if it would be necessary.

Your hands are now touching me.

I am so out of control.

Normally I like to be lost but now I am scared.

"S-stop...stop it, now we are still on time..."

Your hands don't listen to me. I let myself fall on the floor.

Your hands.

How much I wanted to feel that cold on my heated skin.

Are we making love because we like that? is it just some ritual, some sort of extreme greeting?

Are we making love because we need each other, because we are one?

Are we making love because we are in love?

It's me. It's my imagination creating feelings in the void.

But why is your body shaking? Why are your hands hesitating?

Don't open your eyes Boris.

This magic is all you have.

All my life I have been looking for fire. For a man, a woman, a demon who could be able to make me burn, without consuming.

And now you are here. I don't care if tomorrow I am going to pay with pain all the pleasure I am feeling now. It's worthy, you are worthy.

I feel your tongue, so eager, and skilled. I feel your skin on my lips, than the taste of you, spicy but sweet so enchanting almost hypnotic.

I feel your strength in me like a firework of lust.

"Bo..."

say my name...say it...

"Boris, I want you..."

I am yours already...don't you see it?

"I...I am not asking you to be mine. I just give you myself. For as long as you need me to be yours..." It's difficult to talk, my head is a mess of thoughts, my body is a hurricane on sensations. But I want you to know. I want you to know so that you don't run away.

What is a man without dreams?

What would I be without you? A fucking living routine. A walking corpse, letting his life being lived by the time.

You know how to turn me on and you never fail to bring me there, where our pleasure melts and we fall like shooting stars.

Your breath follows mine and you let yourself rest in my arms exhausted.

"Why don't we just stay here forever, baby?" I say ecstatic.

you don't answer but place a tired kiss on my neck.

"We don't have forever...not yet Bo..."

I know it, but it hurts me to hear that

"I know..." I sulk.

You take my hand and you bring me inside the house, on the red pillows where we first made love.

"Try to sleep now..."

you push me down and rest your head on my chest and let yourself be hold.

You are still cold and I am burning hot...nothing seems to have changed. I am happy.

I slowly sink into the dark subdued realm of sleep, taking with me memories and sensations.

I know you're not going to be here when I wake up, but this feeling of you will always be waiting together with me until I find you again.

red feathers

I never thought that it would have been so difficult for me lying next to you, without being able to touch you. This is what you ask me and it is too much now. The picture of you in my mind fires me up and every time I close my eyes you are there to turn this show on, leaving me hopeless behind when the reality comes to take me back.

How long do you need to sleep to create a dream?
that's what makes me constantly doubt that it could be something different, more an hallucination or the beginning of madness.

Still drunk of last night, still burning of your touch, I dream of you again.

you are sitting in a bed surrounded by veiled curtains.

your hands are giving shape to a piece of dark clay, you keep on changing it, your hands sink into the clay and you finally realize I am there, looking at you in silence.

"come here...I was waiting for you" you show me the place next to you with your hand, I come and seat at your side.

"I am tired of doing this, without being able to find my shape" you say.
"Boris, I can't tell you more than I do. Can you sort this out for yourself?"

I don't understand what you say but for myself I know what you mean.

Now you are lying down your head on a pillow made of read feathers.

"Don't you hate feathers?" you ask me curious.
"Not if they are crimson" I reply.

I touch your lips with my fingertips.

"You shouldn't do this. you make me want things I have to deny"

I get up, ready to leave
you pull my sleeve.
"Please stay. You know I would like things to be different"
"I want to protect you"
"You can't protect me from myself"

You are at my back holding me tightly. I feel your excitement and I try to ignore my own.
"I've got to go" I say
'Don't let me go' I think
"I won't leave you" you reply, reading my thoughts, as always.

You take me back on the bed , crimson crows all around are watching insensitive.
I place a kiss on your chest, following those kisses down with caressing hands. You moan low and tender.
"I don't want you to stop, Bo, really I don't fucking want you to stop".
I don't want to stop.
I want to feel your burning cold again.
I want to taste you.
You are not opposing resistance and your body is calling me.
you feel so cold to my lips.
A cold wind is coming inside from a window I don't see.

"I feel cold" I tell you
the scene changes and now you are the one leading the game, I am, once again, the one begging you.
And the movements of your body charms me, so that I can't remember I had promised to myself to hold back and forget this desire, dragging us away from reality.

For how long? tell me...for how long am I going to be able to dream of you?
For how long will you be there to wait for me in this golden cage we closed ourselves into?

While I wake up I bite my lip, the pain will help me to break this magic.
You are not in this room, only the cold and the sound of the pouring rain are.

Time to resume reality.

Velvet silence

Over and over again I fall asleep looking for you in the dark. My hands touching blindly to feel the cold of your body.

Only two steps after my mind falls into the soft oblivion of dreams and you appear.

I have always been charmed by your skin, so pale, almost shining in the light of the moon...the moon, always finding us together, the moon, our only witness.

No sound but the wind making love to the tree tops.

My hands burn on your skin.
I shiver for a sensation I still have to feel, aroused, happy, impatient to take you, desperate, lost.

You open your arms to me, I hold you, my lips grazing your jaw, the tips of my fingers caressing the silk of your back.

"tell me....how many times do you plan to make my heart stop? Tell me...I can't hold back anymore, if you don't stop me!"

You look at me, a languid light in your eyes "there are limits Bo, remember?.." It sounds like you are scolding me but your hands are touching me now.

I hiss my frustration at you and you smile.

"I thought you could endure..." You whisper in my ear. Your hands move slowly. I moan your name. I hear my own voice broken by this pleasure that is so similar to pain.

I try to move my hands and stop you, but your tongue is running on my neck.

Unable to move I just surrender repeating your name, begging you to finish this sweet torture.

I want you.
I want you more than I dare to confess to myself.
And you know it.
You know all, even if you can't allow any moves from me, you know.
You are my dream after all, how could you not know.

You take my hand now and we get out from a door between the trees.
The passage brings to a beach, the shore made of little pink shells.
they are cutting my feet, but I don't feel pain, the only sensation I have is that I am going to explode if I don't get you now.

I see my blood on the ground.

You push me down and come next to me.
Kissing my chest, a thousand little kisses, your tongue hesitating following the shape of my body, you let your hand glide down.

"I want you"
I can't understand if it's me, or you the one speaking.

Our bodies have no shape, still I feel you cold and hot
Love is rough and I am getting crazy at each movement of your hips, I feel my skin burning at each touch of your hands.

Your breathe I can hear it now.

"Where have our limits gone?" I utter my voice giving away my feelings.
You shake your head
"I can't hold back, it has been too long, too long"
I look at you but now it's only me the one I see.

After all, you are my dream, my fantasies have given you life

"I am your dream but you are not the one who gave me life. I will always find a way to protect you"

my blood gets cold. I know those word, someone told them to me, a long time ago.
I almost forgot him, because now it's you all I can see.

We are still making love. I am lost, lost in you, lost in this sweet illusion.

How can I assure myself an eternal dream?
Do I have to sell my soul to be able to do this every night?
Well, if that's the price to pay than take it. Take my soul and do what you want with it.

I always wanted to see the sunrise on the sea, holding you in my arms after making love.
The sun rises now, the shells shine in the lights of dawn.

I hold you tighter, but I feel this time is over, my eyes become heavy and the lights fades away. I try to keep the sensation of you in my arms but the black around me shows me I am back to reality.

I close my eyes again and enjoy the sensations still surrounding me. I still smell the scent of your skin on mine. Each part of my body you touched is still burning.
Outside my window the sound of the rain.
Inside of me only a velvet silence.

========================================================================

NOTE OF THE AUTHOR:
I don't care about how absurd it can sound. Just hold my hand and I'll carry on for you.

about weaknesses

タイガー＆バニー

yes. I am in love with Tiger & Bunny
kill me.

no words beyond

And you can't hear or see
Only experience in a world
Still to be created.
The scent of you penetrates
Through the thin veil of time
Crashing into me like a burning blade.

I talked to my reason
But it is deaf to me
and this feeling
Gives my blood a new course in you.

Because the words
I love you
Are just one grain of sand
In the desert of my emotions.

====================================================================
Note of the author: Lies taste of incense.

It was fucking my head, that is.

There is no flesh
Left for your nails to
Scratch
This desire away
One moment
Where desire and
repulsion become
One
On
One
And the way
You penetrate my
Pride
Making it moan
And ask for
Mercy
Remembers me of
When there was nothing
Else than my childhood
And the smell of grass.

Those men are still wearing a hat. I admire their way of moving their hands while they are talking. My nostrils are full of the smell of their cigars.
I want to be with them, in those chamber filled with smoke and financial talk.

My hands are dirty.
Grease and dust.
It's like a fire
And I am the one burning.
My mind is dirty
Of images I enjoyed,
of pleasures I
have paid for.
Warm hands on cold
Soft skin
Her smile
Untouchable lips.

The streets are full of them. Looking, studying, tasting and asking for a deal. From behind the windows eyes are begging and laughing. Smiles are asking more, lips are saying words without melody.
I am a new gender but old is my path, consumed of feet and bloody faces.

Breathing.
Air filling your lungs.
I am there with you
You don't see me
But you feel my
Hands
Going down your chest
While I suck
Purity from your soul
And leave
Indecent thoughts at
Its place.
Still pleasant.
And your hands touch
Your body
While you think of
It
And the smile of
A demon
Shines in the dark behind
Your eyelids.
I see the rhythm of your
Hand matching
The one of my dream.
We finish together on
A dirty carpet
Mouths looking for
Each other
Hands that can't be stopped.

Even if I am sleeping right now. My body is calling your name and your body replies with mine, even if you don't hear a word.

where a full glass won't help to cancel a dream.

You whisper in my hear  "Stay, stay some more. I can't ask I know, but I want to feel your warmth, for another second..."
I want to stay here forever
"I got to go" I utter quickly, without conviction.

Can't you see I am getting lost? The thread I am stepping on is so thin. I am losing contact with the reality and the reality is that you are just a dream.

Your tongue follows the profile of my jaw, hesitating when you feel me shivering.
Your hands explore my body, learning by heart the shapes, feeling its temperature raise at your touch.

"Stay...I want to learn about you" you are not begging, that sounds more like a gentle order.

I want to stay, I want you.

Why do you do this? Why do you pretend this is something you want, when we both know you are just trying to make me feel good. It's this the price I have to pay for happiness? See you vanish every time the sun rises?

You are cold, but my skin burns when your body gets close to mine.
"Bo..." your voice is low and deep, dense of pleasure and full of desire.
"Stop provoking me or I swear I won't be responsible for my actions..."

you smile and bury your face in my neck. I feel your teeth softly biting me.

I pull you on my lap and drag my fingers down your back.

I would like to do something, I would like to take you.
I would like to feel you roughly and painfully.
I would like just to seat here motionless, concentrating on your movement, the sound of your moans, the beat of your heart.

Images of a moment in time I can't locate show up behind my eyelids.

His lips, looking for mines, his hands making me shout his name, the silence of his absence.

Say, have you ever felt the desire of stopping the time? I wanted to do it back then. I want to do it right now.
I have exchanged a ghost with a dream, but it feels so right.

I feel better living in my head, with you, than living a real life where I feel pain every time I wake up.

If he would just come back and tell me that where he is now we would be able to make love and look into each other's eyes again, if he could come back for a second and tell me that over the edge I can still meet him, I would not doubt a second to stop the time forever and run to him.
But he doesn't. He doesn't even come back to whisper my name in the dark anymore.
He has left me to you...to a dream.
Probably this happened for a reason I still can't understand. Or maybe it's just a joke of my destiny and there is nothing to understand, there has never been any whisper and my mind is creating shadows that will be my companions ever after.

Well if that's the case, I hope that madness comes soon. I hope to lose conscience of this reality and to dwell in this illusion forever.

If this dream disappears, like the ghost has vanished, I hope to be able to vanish along with it, lost in the amber of a full glass, in the scent of flowers and smoke.
Because this is what I am, a night full of alcohol, smoke and indecent desires.

========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I have received a bottle of Cognac for my birthday. That's a very bad fabulous present. very bad fabulous...I could possibly break my proposition not to drink anymore. Just an idea.

roaming

keep your hands there.
I won't move,
I won't ask
don't part from this body,
bear the heat, the pain, the pleasure.
I will keep all my promises
and forget all this, when the day
comes back to steal my
life.

Keep your lips there,
I will laugh and call your name
because where your lips
touch my body
my skin is marked.
I am yours and you are
mine sealed in the shadow.

I won't ask your soul
I won't ask your heart.
I am not old enough to
know the key and
I am not young enough
not to care about the
truth.
I am nothing more than a
shadow with a name that
could be any other
a face that could be
a lie,
a heart that you possess.

You can keep that heart
he won't disturb your dreams.
You can throw that heart away
and he will stay there
waiting for you to come
back.

But don't think about it tonight.
Just rest at my side,
I will play that song only for you
like a violinist crying out his love
to a muse he never knew

======================================================
NOTe Of tHe AuthOr: seriously...I mean...seriously...

sweet madness

I am ready to negotiate, but not about love.
I will write with a knife my decision on my skin so that every time I doubt about my choice the scars will remind me of them and of the reason why I have taken them.

I am still trying to remove your hands from my memory, the cold of your body, the scent of your skin.

It's going to be easy if I don't listen to my thoughts and I ignore my dreams, so real, so hot, so recurrent.

You won't hear me say that. I will not confirm or deny it. I am not going to beg my mind for it any longer.

In the shadows of the day all seems to be made of silver and the reflection of you hurts my eyes still sore of my dreams.

I vaguely remember I was making love to you and you were staring at the moon, thinking about a distant world, I was not part of.
I was on fire but I could not melt the ice.

I have asked myself in the days after the full moon if the phoenix could still raise from her ashes, but she preferred to disappear in the underground of my remembrance together with him and the memory of you.

I still love you.

I can't confess to myself I feel lost.

"Boris, I have to take care of my life now. Please, stand by until next time you are allowed to live"

that's what I am doing now, or at least this is how I feel. I am stuck in my head and I have to admit that it's not such a bad feeling after all.

So, summing up nothing has changed, if I don't consider that now I am aware of the lies I have been telling to myself and of the cold I feel when the sun is off.

I think this writing could seem tragic to an eye which is not trained. But an omniscient narrator as you are should know more than this.

I kiss your neck while you sleep. You moan and pull me towards you without waking up.
I taste your body and try to remember the sensation of silk on my tongue.
I can't fight against how much I want you.
I bite your side gently while my hands touch you, not leaving space to the imagination.

Do you feel me? Do you feel how my kisses burn? Or is my skin the only one on fire?

Your lips curl up in a smile that makes me lose the will of fighting against myself. I know this is just a fantasy, a dream with no return, but the nice side of madness is that when you are there you don't mind anymore.
mmh...you are so warm now. I wonder if it's really you what I am feeling or just the other myself, I am used to make love with.

The sphere

"Boris, I won't be around for a while..."
"What does that mean Sascha?"
"It means that I have to leave, and I can't even choose"

The grass under my feet was waving like a green sea moved by the wind.

"Here" he said to me handing me a little something packed in rice paper "Keep it in your hands when you sleep. It will help"
He hugged me and turned away. I wanted to stop him, but I was paralyzed. He walked slowly without turning back. When I had almost lost sight of him I saw him raise his hand once again to say goodbye, after that I never saw him again.

I opened the paper and I found a seed. It looked like a sunflower seed.

I let myself fall on the grass, keeping the seed in my hand I fell asleep.
A quiet sleep with no dreams.

I woke up on a platform suspended in the middle of a giant steel sphere.
Next to me there was a young man, a warrior, dressed in a silver armor.
His eyes were serious but sweet, like he would be there to guard on me.

"Who are you?" I asked rude.

He raised his eyebrows smirking.

"the sunflower seed?" This was becoming ridiculous, even for a dream.
"That was not a sunflower, but a dark sun seed"
"Fuck that, is this some kind of joke?"

He made a swinging movement with his hand and a red mattress appeared, he asked me to sit there.

He took away his armor remaining with a heavy leather trouser. His skin was pale and scented.

He came and sat next to me, caressing my hair he made me lie down and rested at my side. His hand crawled under my blouse, touching me delicate and smooth like a feather. I closed my eyes and focused on that touch. Why did he do that? Why did he go away and sent him in his place.

I was upset and still I liked his touch, he seemed to know me, my body, he knew where and how to touch me.

The young fighter rested his head on my chest and he said:
"it's saying my name...your heart is saying my name...how do you know it?"
"I...I don't..."
I replied.
He kissed my neck and took my hands
"touch me. Learn about me. We are together now and even if you can't have me, we are meant to be this way"
He saw I didn't understand
"You know you are dreaming Boris?"
I had thought so.

The image of Sascha leaving passed by my eyes and I hugged my dark sun tightly, shaken by a sudden fear I could not fight against.

"You know he is gone for good...don't you?"

Is voice was low and calm, full of understanding. I felt it penetrate my body like a blade, I stopped breathing.

I felt tears flowing from my eyes and where they passed they burned.

"I am here" he said.
I wanted him to be, I wanted to feel him and to be protected.
His mouth found his way exploring my body.
Our hands on each other's body were hungry and the sweet sensation of mercy changed into rough desire.
I felt him shaking with desire, cold and smooth like silk.
I felt myself getting hot and feverish and when our bodies connected his voice calling my name made me lose conscience of time and space.
....

Waking up didn't seem to stop the charm, where his hands and mouth had been my body was  burning.

I tried not to move in my bed, maybe I would have fallen asleep again and I would have brought back to the sphere, where my warrior was waiting.

But the sun was already shining and the day had apparently come to stop the magic.

when your own words seem to suck...

Use better ones...

I gotta tell you what I'm feelin' inside, I could lie to myself, but it's true
There's no denying when I look in your eyes, girl I'm out of my head over you
I lived my life believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

I hear the echo of a promise I made
When you're strong you can stand on your own
But those words grow distant as I look at your face
No, I don't wanna go it alone
I never thought I'd lay my heart on the line
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever
yeah!

I see my future when I look in your eyes
It took your love to make my heart come aliveCos I lived my life believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is thru, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

========================================================
MESSAGE FROM BORIS: the funny thing I still can't understand where I am, how much damage I have made and If I can repair. I am waiting to know this. I am waiting for the one who has all the answer I am looking for to share...
and oh, I have time so don't ever think it's too late.

that day beyond the Eclipse

That I had to lose you to admit that I love you, is so me.
I am still here though.
I have never believed in people coming back when they left, but you are not people and we share more.
I have memories of you I don't want to leave and, even if now it's silent, my heart remembers our melody, like the hands of a skilled violinist.

I had been living in the past until I met you, waiting for the hand of a ghost to caress me in the night and when you came, like a dark sun, to wake me up from that artificial sleep I had made the mistake of believing I deserved that, just because life took something away from me.

I have made a step back.
I know nothing is granted now, still I can't get over losing you.

Stay, please...stay.

I will be what you expect me to be, but don't step away.

Do you need time? You'll have time.
But give me that chance I have burned. Give it back and I'll be worth it.

The light of the day makes my head ache. I can't write any longer.

Maybe it's for the best, since my theatrical self has no words left to say.

I'll stay here and wait for that day beyond the Eclipse.

awakening

building a wall will not offer protection to the ones you love.
breaking a wall will not harm the ones who love you.
maybe will show a new path
Allow it to break mind and body and you'll break more than yours alone.

the station

I walk down the street. It brings downtown at the railway station, a place full of hookers and dealers, a place where nobody cares to know me, where I can pay for sex and hear someone calling my name moaning with pleasure, where I can reach a smoke an dumb my senses to an artificial happiness.

It has not been like that all the way long.

There has been a period in which I could still feel.

But now it's over. I don't want to believe in something that will make me suffer again.

I get some warmth from the bodies I get to meet on the way and I drink out my rage.

looking into myself and searching for what remains of me.

I vaguely remember a dream.

sweet, scented, like a flower, cold and warm, I remember my heart beating faster, my eyes filled with passion. My breath was still bringing oxygen to my lungs then.

Now I have stopped breathing, beating, living.

I give it up, letting this life live me.

A friend told me that I had to avoid turning inwards, he said it would have been dangerous. But I don't care.

I don't care, because I lost the one thing that gave a sense to this journey: hope.

The gipsy took my hand and she said "you have a nice hand, you have lost someone you loved so much, your heart has been broken. You really wanted to die..and this man who played with the fire, he abused you, didn't he?" I kept listening to her uncanny tale, asking myself if anybody could have told the same and swallowing my fear, the uncertainty of the future, the pain of the past.

She stopped and looked at me.

Her eyes with to much kohl on them, deep and turbid, looked at me. She seems troubled

"I am sorry Sir, your life is short" She said I'll die at my forty two. I laughed

"What if I pay up. Am i going to live longer?"

she gives me back the money I had given her

"I am sorry" she says.

I look at her walking away trying to realise what she just told me. I am amused, but I feel uncomfortable.

After all this years, only now, I understand what she wanted to say. Death has a lot of meaning and losing hope is worse than losing life, since you are forced to live the life of a corpse or let yourself be lived.

I have no will. Nothing of the warm nights and the loving thoughts is being merciful.

I have been thrown from a train in motion, and many time I have thrown myself down a skyscraper, but this time I don't feel like doing it again: getting up to wait for the next crash.

I have some more things to do, serious things, like build my house on a piece of wreckage or keep myself alive. I will be fine because I always am. Because my nature is the one of a minstrel, being dramatic to reach the bottom and get up again. This could be pure strategy, if I could avoid believing in my own words.

Time to go.

I am walking to the last station now, I will sit there drinking until I forget some more and I can pretend that nothing happened.

shut down

Dreams are different from nightmares for their colours.
In nightmares also, it's always cold.
I felt cold tonight, I was shivering before falling asleep and the images tried to come blurry and confused.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I was looking for you.
You always came when I called you. Or then if you were gone maybe he would have been there, back from where he went after sending you to me.
Because if you are not there he has to be. He promised.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I had to vomit, I felt my stomach closing and then my lungs. silence.

I called you shouting desperate, but I could not hear my voice and the pain of knowing you could not hear me made my heart ache.
"Please, come back...come back I can't lose you"
Still the dark didn't open in a meadow, or a waterfall like it used to, the dark remained dark and the cold filled me until I woke up crying, pain in my chest.

What happened. I don't remember. I just cannot recover any memory.
I want to turn the watch back to when he was still here, a presence who never left me. A presence who dried my tears, caressed my hear, kissed my lips. But my watch is broken.

I shake it with rage, hating his pointers because they don't move.
Bastard. Why don't you work? I loved you with all my heart pocket watch...and you left me when I needed you the most...
I throw him on the table, the glass breaks. So does my heart.
But turning and seeing him there in pieces, makes me feel dirty and mean.
"I am sorry pocket watch. Forgive me, I didn't want to hurt you, but I am broken too, you know, and I cannot find the force to get up this time. I just can't"

I have to dress and go to work, but how can I do that I can't stop crying...A man? No, I am not a man. I am a very small shell full of uncertainties. A kid, with no hand to hold.
I have to deal with this alone.
I feel that every time I rest my head on someone's chest it crashes on a wall at the end. It's just that my friend was right, I have to chose, I have to stop creating drama, I have to stop chasing love, I have to stop the crap and take action.

I have to chose.

And I have chosen, I want to shut down.

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AUTHOR'S note: before you say it, yes, I thought about all before writing this. Still I have decided to write. I am guilty and I wait for the penalty “We have nothing further to add your Honor”

PS: WTF! I just got a 105€ ticket for high speed, I was apparently going 18.64 mph faster than allowed. As if I had a porche.