shut down

Dreams are different from nightmares for their colours.
In nightmares also, it's always cold.
I felt cold tonight, I was shivering before falling asleep and the images tried to come blurry and confused.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I was looking for you.
You always came when I called you. Or then if you were gone maybe he would have been there, back from where he went after sending you to me.
Because if you are not there he has to be. He promised.
I felt sick in my sleep.
I had to vomit, I felt my stomach closing and then my lungs. silence.

I called you shouting desperate, but I could not hear my voice and the pain of knowing you could not hear me made my heart ache.
"Please, come back...come back I can't lose you"
Still the dark didn't open in a meadow, or a waterfall like it used to, the dark remained dark and the cold filled me until I woke up crying, pain in my chest.

What happened. I don't remember. I just cannot recover any memory.
I want to turn the watch back to when he was still here, a presence who never left me. A presence who dried my tears, caressed my hear, kissed my lips. But my watch is broken.

I shake it with rage, hating his pointers because they don't move.
Bastard. Why don't you work? I loved you with all my heart pocket watch...and you left me when I needed you the most...
I throw him on the table, the glass breaks. So does my heart.
But turning and seeing him there in pieces, makes me feel dirty and mean.
"I am sorry pocket watch. Forgive me, I didn't want to hurt you, but I am broken too, you know, and I cannot find the force to get up this time. I just can't"

I have to dress and go to work, but how can I do that I can't stop crying...A man? No, I am not a man. I am a very small shell full of uncertainties. A kid, with no hand to hold.
I have to deal with this alone.
I feel that every time I rest my head on someone's chest it crashes on a wall at the end. It's just that my friend was right, I have to chose, I have to stop creating drama, I have to stop chasing love, I have to stop the crap and take action.

I have to chose.

And I have chosen, I want to shut down.

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AUTHOR'S note: before you say it, yes, I thought about all before writing this. Still I have decided to write. I am guilty and I wait for the penalty “We have nothing further to add your Honor”

PS: WTF! I just got a 105€ ticket for high speed, I was apparently going 18.64 mph faster than allowed. As if I had a porche.