cornered

Run.
I am out of breath; I feel the sweat running down my back.
Run.
From what am I escaping? I don’t know but I don’t want to die and my brain tells me I have to run.
But running into the dark is difficult.
I hear my heartbeat fast and irregular.
I look for him but I can’t see him through this dark mist.
Then that face comes out of nothing with its white eyeballs, the grey skin, with its crimson lips. The mouth goes open showing teeth sharp as a razor blade. It wants to bite me, to devour me.
I squeeze my eyes but I keep on seeing it.
The horror is that this is my face that’s me, the dead part of me, that me I hate, the demon, the murderer, the shadow.

I wake up.

It was just a nightmare, damn it.

I dry the sweat on my forehead with my arm. The alarm clock says 3 am.
I look for you with my hand the bed is empty, but your pillow is still warm. I bury my face into it and deeply inhale your scent. Incense and sweet flowers.
I get up and come to look for you.
You are preparing herbal tea in the kitchen.
“How are you Bo? You had a terrible night. You were having that nightmare again?”
I don’t answer I just hold you tight and kiss you. I kiss you like it would be the last time.
“Sho…”
Your name sleeps out of my lips, like a warm breeze “Sho…” I have the impression that repeating your name will tie you up at me.
My lips look for yours and you abandon yourself into my embrace.
We go back to bed. I want the light on, I want to see your grey eyes and that light they have while I am making love to you.
I want to see you pearly small teeth biting your lips when I taste you and your expression, mixed of pain and pleasure while I come into you like a wave, to wash away my doubts and the fear I have to lose you.
Kiss me until I die Sho, I don’t care what happens around me while you are kissing me. Your taste is like a sweet drug dragging me into a soft oblivion.
You touch my chest with your fingertips smiling.
“Bo, I am here, don’t worry”
I kiss your hand renewing my silent vow to you, I’ll be only yours until the end of my life.
When I make love to you to save my soul I always feel guilty. You give me so much and I don’t give anything in return. You always cheer me up and I am always dark.
That’s what makes me scared of losing you.
I am a crimson moon who obscures the light of a beautiful sun.
You push me down.
“Stop doing this Bo. Stop trying to convince yourself I’m leaving not to suffer when it happens…it’s useless”
“How do you…” I am scared of how deep into me you are allowed to look.
“I am the other half of you…I am the fluid filling the void”
Yeah, probably there’s no better way to say it. You just complete me.
Your kisses burn like fire on my skin. I see you smiling at my moans, you won’t stop, not tonight.
I won’t mind being weak, for one night only.
I want you to save me, even if this means you are taking my sin on you.
When you seat on me I get up and I hold you, kissing your neck and crying out your name, with a voice broken by pleasure a voice that I don’t recognized if it’s not mixed to yours.
Our moans die together leaving place to deep breath we still suffocate in desirous kisses.
“God! I love you Sho. I can’t live without you…”
“You shouldn’t give me this self confidence Mr….” Your smirk shows me that you are making fun of me.
You get sweet again all of a sudden “That you are so old and still I have to protect you…look at you!”
I bury my head in your chest and you play with my hair.
“I could stay here forever…” I say
“Then just do it. Let’s stay here and make love again…””
You don’t really need to ask it, still this is one of the best moments of my life.

I can almost forget that face with its white eyeballs, the grey skin, the crimson lips.
But I feel it’s there in a corner of my mind, ready to bite again.

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Note of the author: The only thing I ask is that you will be in my dreams to save me when it happens. I only need you to save me from myself. And that scares me.