a dime

The world turns around me in slow motion. I try to hold the thought of you, but it sleeps through my fingers. I end up staring at my empty hands. Are you real, or are you another grotesque joke of my destiny? Illusions made my heart tired and consumed my soul.

Now I live with a soul made of ashes and a heart crawling like a snail in my chest. That must be the reason why sometimes I am so sick of living.

Your silence kills me. I’d like to be there lying at your feet, waiting for a gesture, a smile or a stern look, but being there, with you, getting a tangible proof of your existence.

You are nothing but words and pieces of a puzzle I can’t complete. You are fuzzy feelings and a hand full of heartbeats.

Tell me that you exist for me somehow, somewhere or let me become insane.

Maybe there’s a place where madness is painless and you can rest in it without worries.

I am keen to oblivion.

There have been days in which I thought I could bear the pain if that meant being alive.

There have been days in which I could burn without crying out my fear.

I am not so brave anymore. I have been left in the cold for so long that my heart went out and I don’t even have a match to burn all the rest.

Outside my window some shiny lights and the city, which is nothing more than a passive whore laughing at my sorrow, trying to excite me with a cheap show.

I would like to be free to sleep under a starry sky, alone with the cold and my anger.

Can I mention Love?

Only to tell that it’s not fitting in the picture.

A loveless dog who can’t feel anything else than self pity, that’s what I’ve been called.

The truth is another one though. I am a loveless dog who can’t stop the feeling biting in his flesh like a gin trap.

They ask me to smile but when I do they think it doesn’t suit me.

Being happy is an option I still didn’t pay for. I’ll be there with the next invoice.

The world keeps turning around in slow motion, while I slowly fall asleep to meet my monsters for the next cards game.

Tell me… Are you real, or are you another grotesque joke of my destiny?