“what are you planning to do, Bo?”
I swallowed soundly.
“Nothing” my answer echoed in the room.
“Months have passed and you don’t even try to get over it...what do you expect from me?”
My thoughts became blurry and I suddenly felt sick.
“Maybe it’s better you don’t come here anymore Sho. You are going to loose your time and you don’t owe me a thing.”
“What about our friendship? Our projects?”
“Friendship has nothing to do with this and without him nothing has sense anymore. What we wanted to do...I don’t even want to think about it anymore”
“I got it.” Sho’s voice became harsh “I was never in. I’ve always just been an accessory, some ‘easy to drop’ thing...am I wrong?”
I couldn’t answer. After the accident Sho had come to see me every day. He was entering the room kneeling on my carpet and he was sitting there for hours hands closed in a fist on his legs, his head down the eyes closed.
I was looking at him through the tears and I saw a slender warrior meditating about honour, life, death.
Every time he talked his voice crashed inside me like a wave mixing with the pain so strongly that my heart felt torpid.
“I can’t pretend that nothing happened and just go on.” I told him “ I was responsible for him” as much as I am for you. Go away Sho! Begin a new life. All this will bring to nothing. I am not worthy the time you spend here and I don’t want you here anymore...” I turned myself to the wall and closed my eyes.
I heard him standing up and heading to the door. The door clicked open and when I heard it getting closed again my breath became faster and I couldn’t keep the tears that were burning my eyes anymore.
I was hearing the sound of the tears falling on my pillow every drop made my head ache.
The loud moan escaping out of my throat became a cry that I suffocated in the mattress.
Desperation was paralyzing me. I pushed my fists into my chest so much that I hurt myself. And I remained that way until I didn’t have any voice left to shout, until the tears dried on my face and, exhausted, I fell asleep
And the dream came like every night.
It was in a narrow fetid street. The few street lanterns which were still working didn’t give enough light to define the profile of the buildings all around.
I felt Sho’s regular breath alternating with Tate’s desperate breathlessness coming from behind me
“It’s too dangerous Bo, It’s useless, Kid is gone, get over it!”
Before I could even try to hold it my fist hit Tate’s nose.
“Shit! Are you crazy?” Tate kept his bleeding nose trying not to shout, Sho who was holding him by his shoulders, looked at me with questioning eyes.
“Go to hell out of here Tate...You are useless here. Go back to the cove and stay there. Sho, you can go back with him, I’ll take care of this shit myself”
I heard someone running away. When I turned Tate had disappeared while Sho was still beside me. His expression unchanged.
“Why don’t you go?”
“I am not scared about death. But you....why do you do this for Kid? He screwed it up. He sold us, and then he ended up in Babylon
“You know what I feel for him Sho...”
“When you are a leader you can’t decide with your heart, Bo”
I turned back towards the desert street
“No matter what you decide” he added “I’ll come with you”
I nodded at him and the scene changed. I was in Babylon
“I wonder how it feels having a clone....I wonder if it soothes the fear of dying”
It was Kid’s voice coming from behind my back. I turned an looked at him.
“A real warrior has to be able to bear the thought of death. I didn’t think you were such a coward!”
Kid looked down embarrassed “the only reason that makes me fear death is the fear of loosing you...”.
I felt like I was going to suffocate and the scene behind my eyelids changed again.
I was in a room illuminated by a little red paper lantern, decorated with golden dragons.
I couldn’t feel my body but the warmth of the body holding me. I knew the hands touching my chest, strong hands signed by the use of the sword but delicate and warm.
“Kid...”
I felt his breath on my neck, then going down on my chest, I heard it getting shallower and faster.
“Kid...”
“We will always be together...”
The pleasure didn’t match the feeling of anxiety and pain that I still felt in my heart.
“Kid...don’t leave me...”
Suddenly the dark. My body was floating naked in the void. “Forgive me, Bo...” Kid’s voice broken by moans of pain “A warrior can’t decide with his heart”
A flash of light illuminated the scene. Kid was hanging on a butcher’s hook, his eyes wide open, blood flowing on his chest.
I sat up in my bed soaked of sweat, a shout stuck in my throat.
I didn’t do anything to hold the tears. A warrior must not cry, my father had told me that, but I didn’t care, I didn’t want to be a warrior anymore. I had lost to much to a cause that was not my own: honour love and I was about to loose friendship too.
Sho was the only important person left in my life. I stood up. I had to go and see him, excuse myself for having been such a jerk after all he had done for me.
I changed my clothes and headed to the subway.
The sky was getting the colours of sunset.
The evening train was crowded as usual, but I was so insensitive to the world around me that I barely noticed.
The house of Sho was in an open area outside town.
He didn’t like the crowd of Babylon
Sho was training in the yard. He liked to practice the outdoor.
When he saw me coming he lowed his sword and looked surprised.
“Bo?”
I laughed embarrassed.
“What happened?”
“I –I felt I needed to excuse myself”
Without commenting he showed me the door with his hand
“let’s go inside” he said.
We entered the house. The small front room was filled by large cushions he used as a couch.
He set on his heels while I threw myself on them falling on my back.
“You were right Sho, I have to try to get over it. But I have decided I want to leave the black market” if we don’t stop we are going to end up like Kid.”
Sho didn’t seem to be surprised.
“What do you plan to do?”
“I still don’t know, but I wanted to ask you...” I suddenly couldn’t finish the sentence.
“I told you already” he said taking me out of it “Whatever you decide, I am with you”.
For the first time since I had known Sho I saw him smiling, his skin like porcelain and his deep grey eyes were glowing in the warm colour of the huge candles illuminating the room. I had never paid attention to his looks before. He had always just been my right arm and my best friend.
He stood up.
“why don’t you just rest for a while, I have to take a shower and after that I'll make you something to eat...I fear it will be some deep freeze stuff...I didn’t count any guests for this evening”
“It’s all right”
Sho disappeared behind a sliding door and I tried to relax.
The flame of the candles was dancing at the little blows of hair coming through the old windows.
What could I do? There was not much I was able to do beside fighting, hacking and gathering information for the clients in the black market. I once used to repair and restore antique when my grandfather was still alive, but that was in the past.
After eating we sat outside under the porch in the back of the house. Sho had brought a bottle of plum liquor and he offered me a glass.
The smell of plums was sweet and penetrating.
“Last time we drank this we were all together by the artificial lake for your birthday. Do you remember?” I told him.
“How could I forget? You drank so much that you fell on the ground...after that you stood up again drank another glass, and Kid made you laugh on purpose so that all the liquor came out of your nose. Unforgettable!” he laughed soundly
“Yeah, that jerk!” I frowned. I didn’t understand how he could do that to me.
The week before he died he stole the data we had gathered for one of the biggest clan in the black market and he gave them to their opponent, but instead of getting paid for it, he finished in their exploiting centre, where they used him as a hacker and then, when he had done the job they expected from him, they killed him.
I drank the glass in one shot. Sho looked at me with his glass in his hand and then swallowed his liquor in one shot too.
We laughed, drank and remembered the past.
“I have to go now” it was almost morning, a thick mist was covering the meadow.
“Right”
We stood up and Sho came with me to the front door.
Before opening the door I put a hand on his shoulder.
“Thanks Sho, without your help I would still be on my knees...”
I hugged him. His heart was pounding.
“Bo...”
Our faces were so near, the smell of flowers of his skin surrounded me.
My arms went down from his shoulders and pulled up his shirt, he tasted of plums and his tongue skilfully looked for mine. Undressing each other we landed on the cushions.
Illustration By Grey
It felt right but it was not. He was my best friend, that was not the right way to forget Kid.
“Sho, I think we’d better...” he kissed me silent.
“Bo, I have been waiting for this for all these years, watching you and Kid, staying beside you. Even if you don’t want this anymore I will take you tonight...”
I lost my determination. I closed my eyes.
Sho’s hands found their way, so did his mouth. The point of his tongue roamed drawing pleasure on my skin, while his hands caressed my erection.
My breath was out of control. Sho could feel any contraction of my muscles and following the rhythm of that pulse he lead me to the edge and than stopped making me lose control.
I sat up and rushed behind him. I kissed his back and grabbed his legs tightly.
He dropped his head on the pillow panting laboriously.
The warmth inside of him made me shiver, I leaned on his back and rubbed gently on his hardened nipple. He got a hold of his shaft and stroke it following the movements of my hips.
I didn’t want it to finish.
“Sho I want to taste...I want to know how you taste...”
“mmmh, Bo I am near...If you talk once more, It’ll be too late!”
He lied on his back and I took him in my mouth. He tasted sweet and salty, vaguely of plums and alcohol...
“You taste great” I said licking my lips with the point of my tongue.
I put his tight on my legs and while entering him again I kissed his mouth deeply, slowly.
Coming was like a kaleidoscope of sensations he swallowed me and my soul, there was no way back.
Sho came suffocating his moans in the pillows.
I went to lie next to him.
“My fucking god...” I uttered
“Do I have to understand that you liked it?”
I punched his side gently and he grinned
“I don’t think I am going to forget this very quickly...I told him.”
“I won’t let you” he answered
He stretched. “what about sleeping a while?”
I frowned “I can’t sleep Sho, the images of the night we have found Kid keep on tormenting me...I-I’d better go home...” I said sitting up.
Sho punched me down.
“No way. You are staying here and if you have a nightmare again I will take care of you. We need to discuss about our future when we wake up!” he added.
I surrendered and put myself down. He lied prone and put his arm on my waist.
“Try to sleep now” he said.
I closed my eyes waiting for the dream to come. I didn’t know what would have been of our lives, but I knew Sho had always been there when I needed him to be.
Another day was going to come, and in that moment I knew I didn’t have to face it alone. It was all that mattered.
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