slow fast slow

Do you remember me? It's been such a long time ago.

I never thought you could be interested in someone like me, so usual, so somber.

I looked at you my eyes caressing the line of your jaw, quick and voluptuous sign of desire.

Right on that moment you looked up and the line of a smile signed your face.

I don't blush.

Ever.

I only felt I needed to leave.

The night after I came back.

The same pub.

You weren't there and the feeling of disappointment left immediately the place to joy.

I was happy I didn't need to see you.

You were some new reason to lose my concentration, to lose focus on what life was so keen to give me for free.

"Hi."

the sound of your voice so cold, toneless.

"Hi." I replied without looking at you.

Your turned around me and sat beside me.

"You know" you said, your voice making each word sound sweet "I think you like me"

I laughed, a bitter laugh.

"You surely are one son of a bitch"

I hissed trough my teeth.

you smiled again.

"I was thinking...what about going to the sea? Just the two of us. Then you can go on insulting me...I'm intrigued."

I laughed. The bitter taste had already left my words and 'maybe' I think 'it's not even such a bad idea' and all the thoughts of focus and concentration and stay-out-of-trouble stuff shift in the background.
It has been such a long time ago.
I can still see the colour of your eyes. I thought you were unreadable since the first time I saw you. I thought it was a very bad idea and that I would have been the one to leave this story in pieces.
And here I am, after five years still thinking about you.
What a man am I? Lost in a dream that never comes back, lost in the past, so buried in memories that I don't even see life rolling away under my feet.
I will spend the rest of the day reading.
A science book, something about micro-expressions.
I hope that will keep my mind away for you for a while.
I turn the radio on.
"in the moonligh"...
Oh, damn! I think I'll dream some more maybe...

======================================================

missing pages

I hope to be in your thoughts, when you will go to bed tonight

And from those thoughts I am going to jump into your dreams,

Like when I was a child with my rubber boots in a plash.

Sharp drops of soul shattering me and you will end up melt us together in a colourful canvas.

You can call it love, hate or dependence, but the feeling will not change.

It’s a thin veil of pleasure bonding us together. It’s a thick rope cutting our wrists and suffocating our heart.

I need to love you.

You don’t mind to be loved, even if you hide behind a mouth full of stars and flowers.

Let’s change it in a play, a masquerade a tender minuet.

I’ll play the strings of your heart, lightly at first; I’ll be putting pressure when you are warm.

Don’t restrain me.

Let me play all the music I have.

Let’s kiss, let’s make love, let’s read an old book and rewrite the missing pages.

I have been looking for you so long.

I can’t give up a dream made of snails and cotton candy.

I have a ribbon in my brain and it’s waiting for you to pull it open.

Inside the box a million crimson butterflies: they are going to eat your heart, but don’t worry…

You’ll have mine.

Tomorrow

He was walking down the empty boulevard. The street lights were zooming in a disturbing way. He stopped in front of the window of a closed shop. The light was still on in the background room, but it suddenly went off and the only thing Ben could see was his blurry image reflected in the dirty glass.
He faked a smile. That was such a long time that he didn't feel like smiling. Since Rubs had left his world he had become like a picture in black and white.
'What do I care...' he said to himself getting back to his somber expression.
Ben walked slowly to the club house. The pub never closed. Before entering the door he gave a look to his pocket watch, it was almost three o'clock. 'Maybe I should just go home...' he thought shaking his head 'a drink won't kill me' he coincluded and he stepped in.
The room was populated by a few individuals. A couple of them had let they heads fall on the table with one hand still holding the empty glass.
Ben sat at the counter 'a dark pint...' he said looking around.
'fine...'
The answer came like a burning dagger in his ears.
He turned and there he was, Rubs, he didn't change for a thing in all the years he had been away.
Ben couldn't help but stare at him.
'I am back...don't you have anything to say?'
Ben couldn't decide if he felt like killing him or what else.
Rubs came out from behind the counter and he sat next to him.
His grey eyes pinned into Ben's chocolate brown ones.
With a light sweet smile on his lips he caressed Ben face.
It was like he had been waiting for that touch forever.
Tears began burning into his eyes and he tried to send them back.
Rubs pulled him towards himself and Ben didn't oppose resistance.
'Let's go home...' he said enjoying the warmth of Rubs' hands 'We'll talk about all tomorrow.'
Where feeling fill the void there is not so much need for words and however you look at it there is always enough space for a tomorrow.

Awakening: the journey.

The sun was setting slowly like it would be waiting for something. I stopped walking and I looked at the horizon. Maybe I had always known that, you don't find the meaning in the destination but during your journey, day by day.
I sat under a tree enjoying the sounds of the evening.
A night full of stars came soon and after it a beautiful dawn.
I washed myself in the cold water of a river, singing my ancestors songs and I resumed my trip.

I am still walking. The path in front of me is endless and I can't see the point where I have left anymore,but my heart is full of courage and proud. Nothing but raindrops and sunbeams to keep me company. I walk. I still walk towards the end of my way, with a smile on my face, and light in my heart.

stay away, Boris is back.

The sensation of being so free and unconditioned...it was such a long time.
I have been disgusted by life and myself and I have looked for things I didn't need in the wrong places again.Again.
Now I found a place where nobody can reach me.
I would like to be able to hide there forever, but sometimes life calls me.

I love life as much as I am sure there can't be life free of pain.

I prefer living alone, without your selfish help.

Now I just need all the images of a recent past to disappear in order to be happy.

A log time ago, when life was easy I had promised myself to be faithful to my principles. I have stepped on them so many time in the meantime.

That's why I am here today, to get once again on that path I had chosen.

If anything, if anyone ever comes in my way I will spit fire and use claws of steel to defend my freedom.

Welcome back, Boris.

someone who can pretend life is easy

You don't have to dig into the depth of the ocean to know I can't resist you.
I can't jump into this again.
I feel like I am deciding to throw myself down a skyscraper, free fall and when you reach the bottom you've nowhere left to go.

I love you and I hate you so much for what you do to me.
I feel bad for giving you details of my life that make me feel so vulnerable.

You know all of me and I feel like I have no power left to defend myself from this hurricane of emotions.

You want sex.
I want sex.

I want love.
You want sex.

The rhythm changes and it's not melody but noise.

I want warmth.
I feel cold now.

I was again flying too high for my little wings. Someone told me, a long time ago, that I can't sit here and wait for someone to save me.
It's true, I am the prince charming. I am the one who should be saving the princess in need.
But I am tired to fight.

I want to sit here, and forget, forget how much I suffer and forget how good you make me feel.
I want to sit here and remember your hands, your lips, your body, his warmth...I want to pretend this was in the past, a long time ago.
I want to pretend It was a dream and it never happened.
I want to pretend you are just a creation of my mind, I want to keep on making love to you in my dreams so that I don't need to feel guilty for that.

I don't ever want to lose you, but maybe you don't need me. You need a warm body to fill your bed.

You need someone who can pretend life is easy.


===================================================================

storm

Tonight the storm was outside the window and inside my heart.
I have asked myself to stop and come back to my senses.
I have implored my heart not to give up, and this was the answer:

"One day near, when the light will go off and you'll have to leave
you'll thank me for this.
For brightening what you have left"

I thought about the Gypsy.
I thought about her face when I asked her if paying would have made my life longer
you can't beat up destiny and you can't come up against feelings.

Whatever you do they'll swallow you making you float in a place with no time forever.

=========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: my notebook is full of logic writings in which there is a begin and a clear end, but nothing of those writing is real. The truth is, life is not logic and I am a jerk.

Sore

big eyes
looking for eyes
to look
in their depth.
I thought your heart
was made
of stone,
but now I know it's candy.

When will you
tell me
your truth,
instead of mixing it
with lies of others?

I am waiting
pushing life forward like
a soldier without
his gun
looking around
expecting a foe
to shoot in my back.

Sometimes I tremble
of joy or fear
but that gives
me the same
feeling of lost
excitement.

Whith you
fear was forgotten
but that meant I
depended from
your lips
and their
unknown taste.

Sometimes I am a soldier,
with no battle.

lights 'n shadows

The days getting shorter is a neat contrast with my need of light.

I have always been a son of the dark, no difference for me between the hours after the sunset and the ones preceding the sunrise, hours where the streets are populated only by the noise of trucks and cars, barking dogs and buzzing broken street lamps.

It has been a trial at first and then a ritual, to become at the very end, the only knowledge I had of existence.

I have been avoiding company and daylight because I needed to give some time to myself to decide which direction my life had to follow.

I am out of it now.

In the night all is wrapped in the undefined, all it's out of focus and you easily lose yourself without noticing. I have been through that before. Nothing is easier than giving shape to a dream if it happens during the night and your eyes are open.

But that won't last.

I have tried to create for myself an artificial existence chained into this virtual world, stuck between a reality I found difficult to accept and a dream I was feeding my soul and my blood to. I have lived in a wonder made of bittersweet sensations believing I could exchange real life with a beautiful illusion.

In the night I was a poet, an artist a lover.

In the night I could be myself change my name, my creed, my orientation.

In the night I didn't need to justify my passions, I didn't have to be ashamed of my desire and you were there with me, in no space and no time.

But that didn't last.

Reality have come knocking at my door and I have found the signs of time on my face and my hair getting grey and my heart getting smaller each time I thought about how my life could have been if I only would have made other choices.

Discovering that you have kept on choosing and making your path narrower with each decision can brake you. The more you fly high the more you hurt yourself when you fall. A fallen angel. Maybe better a lost dog, I have been licking my wounds hoping to recover soon, but the scars reminded me of all I wanted to forget, day by day.

When I thought the bottom was an inch under my feet I woke up. I woke up and I have seen the truth, living a dream is and remains a lie.

I had to choose, once more: remaining in the lie hoping not to need to wake up, maybe one day before my death and realizing I had lost all the experiences, the good and the bad ones, that life could give me or bear the pain to go back to reality, resume my life and carry on with dignity.

That's why I have disappeared. That's why you didn't see me or hear from me anymore.

I have been looking for that light I had avoided for so long. Now I bear the burning pain of the past and I have to subdue myself to the limits this long period of inactivity has imposed me.

I am doing well. I could even dare to say I feel like…happy. Some of us are not really meant to have a specific place in this world, the secret is not to force yourself to find one, no matter what.

I write this to put a mark to the beginning of a new era, in which I am what I am and I stop hiding in the blur of darkness.

I am not stating that from now on I'll always be under the sun, habits are difficult to change, especially for an old devil like me.
I'll only try to keep it simple like when life was only you and me playing under that burning sun in that courtyard.

freedom in your pocket

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

I thought illusions could make your life livable, now I know I was wrong, since you have been my illusion and the though of you is pulling me in these depths.
Love, an unnecessary feeling, but we keep on making ourselves its slaves, consciously.

The more you chose the more your path gets narrow.

In the end you find yourself stepping on a rope, acrobat with no future: impossible to look back, nothing to see in front of you.
You look down and let yourself fall.

I still wait to see the bright colours of happiness, but you can't find colours in the dark.

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

Nothing else than your scent on my hands, your flavour on my lips, your curse in my heart.
Escaping is easy and so damned difficult, since this restraint is the only thing I still have of you.

The more I think of you the more I get lost.

You disappear when the truth has taken your place and the loneliness has made me desire to live in a lie.
I am not ashamed since truth and lies are making love and creating a new reality. They are part of me and the same way they are part of you, fabulous angel in my eyes: a bird without wings. Bleeding eyes. Broken heart.

I will drink hate from your lips for the sake of a kiss.