It’s all because we have been told that love is a fine feeling, which we suppose to need to be happy. But happy times are like pieces of glass on the shore, getting polished by the sea, losing they shine. Happy moments are there to give an illusion, to begin and to end. Love and pain go together and the pain is so hard that you can forget yourself in it.
Falling in love is just a lie. Lust exists. Interest exists. But not love. Love is there when we lose our ability to see, and we leave of a mirage. Illusion is a drug you get addicted to and when you dream once you can’t stop anymore and you end up losing contact with reality.
I am longing for a world of silence and dark, where my feelings can be dead and where I rely only on reason. But that’s also a lie, since you can’t run away from yourself.
I have been waiting for so long for the past to come back. I could have accepted the monster to come live under my pillow again, as long as that meant having you back.
But love is a painful illusion and you are a liar.
Now I live with a heart that looks more and more like a filthy snail, crawling in my chest with no pulse only blood drops falling on a concrete pavement.
In my pocket I still have a couple of dreams made of sludge and a broken watch; I still keep it there, like all the other things that ended…A pathetic collection.
Still I trust in something. I trust in the feeling that spoke to me the day I met you. I trust in every word you didn’t say. I trust in the warmth filling my body while you kiss me. I would have liked to be strong and I never wanted to have a reason to apologize, but my destiny seems to have other plans for me.
That’s the reason why I am here now, holding your hands on my lips asking for forgiveness.
I am giving up, all the silly thoughts, the flirting sentences, the weakness and the dependence. I give up my soul, but that’s not such a loss, you can easily get a new soul at the black market, and I will make sure to have a better one.
I am taking arms against a pain of living that annihilates the attempts of being happy.
You need a person who does more than simply existing and I’ll be that person, for your sake, because there is nothing more sacred for me than your precious self.
Herewith my promise.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
eternity is a marble
I thought we would have been together forever. I was sure that you and I would have spent our life looking at each other, looking together at the horizon.
But you died. You just died and there is no better or simpler way to say that.
After that, the void, the sadness, the sense of guilt, the apathy, swallowed my life.
I had no reason to be, without you.
“I will always find a way to protect you” you said
I don’t know about love, but if love ever existed for me, I think it was there with you.
I have passed my life looking for something, trying to find you in unknown eyes, but I just found disillusion and humiliation, I found out that not everybody is kind, I have been used and left alone.
With the time I have learned the meaning of the word cruelty. I have lied, cheated, hurt on purpose. I have run away as soon as feelings were involved and I have punished myself every single time I felt happy for something…or someone.
Even now that I have a lot of years I can count behind my back, I am the first to run away for the fear of being left alone.
I write to you now because I am scared, I am scared of letting myself go into the wave of emotions crashing into me.
I know my limits and I know that the line I am stepping on is narrow and fragile.
I know that the rose light in the sky always hides the darkness of the night.
…But, please, tell me I can dream some more…dream about a chest where I can rest my head, about delicate fingers combing my hair, warm lips to kiss my pain away.
You told me you would have never let me down, proof this to me and give me this dream.
Tomorrow the dark will be there again and I my body and soul will be cold and restless.
But today, today I have a warm shelter where I can hide.
It will not be too long before we will be able to meet again and then I won’t let you leave anymore, I am going to sink my teeth into your flesh and take you, I am going to burn in hell, just to feel your warmth, once more.
But not yet…not yet.
But you died. You just died and there is no better or simpler way to say that.
After that, the void, the sadness, the sense of guilt, the apathy, swallowed my life.
I had no reason to be, without you.
“I will always find a way to protect you” you said
I don’t know about love, but if love ever existed for me, I think it was there with you.
I have passed my life looking for something, trying to find you in unknown eyes, but I just found disillusion and humiliation, I found out that not everybody is kind, I have been used and left alone.
With the time I have learned the meaning of the word cruelty. I have lied, cheated, hurt on purpose. I have run away as soon as feelings were involved and I have punished myself every single time I felt happy for something…or someone.
Even now that I have a lot of years I can count behind my back, I am the first to run away for the fear of being left alone.
I write to you now because I am scared, I am scared of letting myself go into the wave of emotions crashing into me.
I know my limits and I know that the line I am stepping on is narrow and fragile.
I know that the rose light in the sky always hides the darkness of the night.
…But, please, tell me I can dream some more…dream about a chest where I can rest my head, about delicate fingers combing my hair, warm lips to kiss my pain away.
You told me you would have never let me down, proof this to me and give me this dream.
Tomorrow the dark will be there again and I my body and soul will be cold and restless.
But today, today I have a warm shelter where I can hide.
It will not be too long before we will be able to meet again and then I won’t let you leave anymore, I am going to sink my teeth into your flesh and take you, I am going to burn in hell, just to feel your warmth, once more.
But not yet…not yet.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Apology of Sin
Eros in one act.
Jude the Sinner
Elijah the sin
===
[lights go on – a red alcove two bodies, a whisper]
Your body is like a column
I look at you with velvet eyes.
Hands on your hips I taste the source of your sin
Thrilled I loose conscience of here and now to
Give up to you
My sin
Soft and violent,
Hard and rash
You hurt my skin and swallow my heart
Delightful torment
[the scene turns around changing into a dance of blazes]
I want to see you burn
I want to feel your heat
I want to loose my reason
Into your arms
That’s where I want
To be
Existence is a book with
So many white
Pages, for you
To write on
I want to ignite
Our life
I want to crash into destiny
And sweep away its plans
I want to lick away the traces
Of the past and
Create a new future where my lips
Are on your lips
Give me yourself
You ask what it’s already yours.
[the curtain closes on the clinging bodies – lights go down]
Friday, 1 April 2011
into the void
memories of unspoken words,
that's what you give me.
that's what you give me.
I never thought it could have hurt so much,
to see you run away.
Everything I say tastes of failure and you know how much
I would like to talk to you,
to make the dark look crimson again.
I am not so young anymore,
maybe that's why I cannot understand;
my storm is of another kind, it can't build anything, only destroy,
while your impetuous sea is made to bring you to new shores.
I thought my nothing was made to fill me,
while I slowly began fading in a black hole of disbelief.
Vomiting self pity is not an option I know.
What I am is all I've got left.
I still hold the rope with one hand
I feel tired though
I feel like letting go.
You were my only reason to hold on and
when I have to miss you it's difficult to endure.
let me ask you one more word.
A confession.
A denial.
A curse.
Whatever you'll say could save my life
or straighten my fall
into the void
over the edge
Seth couldn’t concentrate on his paperwork, the discussion he had with Miguel the day before was echoing in his head. He still couldn’t understand why his friend got so lit up about that.
“If you would look beyond your own stiff convictions Seth, you’ll see that there are people loving you. The problem is you don’t look in the right direction, Válgame Dios!”
Miguel had moved from Colombia a few years before and he had been his colleague since almost two years now. Seth found Miguel a very interesting guy, smart and cool and after a few months working together, they had been seeing each other out of work, for a drink or to play pool and they ended up becoming quite good friends.
They could talk about everything and they were always on the same wavelength.
But the day before something had turned Seth’s world upside down.
He should have been at work till late for a meeting, but the chairman had called him to cancel it, so he decided to take the rest of the day off and go home. He knew Renée didn’t have to work and he wanted to surprise her….and he did.
The door of the apartment was locked. Seth thought it was strange when they were home they just closed it without locking it. When he entered the room the muffled sounds coming from the bath caught his attention. He neared the half opened door.
Renée was in the shower facing the wall, she was moaning loudly due to the apparently skilled attentions of Ward, Seth’s best friend.
He went back to the living room took out his coat and jacket, took a glass and the bottle of cognac, he filled the glass and drank it empty in one shot.
Paying attention not to be noisy he went to the sleeping room, took a suitcase and threw all could fit of Renée’s clothes in it. He put it by the door and then he sat on the couch waiting.
It took sometimes before the two came out of the shower.
“Oh my…” he heard Renée’s shocked voice and immediately after Ward echoing her with a “Oh fuck!”
He stood up and walked to Renée “You have five minutes to disappear” he said cool “I’ll send you the rest of your stuff later”
“Seth, let me ex-…” Ward tried to say
“Shut up. Get the hell out of here, before I fucking kill you…”
Ward didn’t reply, he quickly dressed and he vanished.
When he finally remained alone, Seth took the bottle he had left on the counter with the serious intention to drink it out.
After a few more glasses the emotions began flowing in his blood amplified by the alcohol “Why am I actually smashing myself for that bitch?” he said loudly to himself kicking the leg of the table.
He took the phone and called Miguel. He needed someone to talk to, someone he could trust. His friend was a very good listener. Seth always had a good feeling after talking to him.
“Hi Miguel it’s me…Seth…”
“Hola! You sound…awful! Something the matter?”
“Just…I need to talk to someone…”
“Where are you?”
“At home.”
“Give me twenty minutes and I am there..”
When Seth opened the door, his shirt open, covered in sweat and smelling of alcohol, Miguel frowned
“What the hell has happened here? Let me in…”
He took Seth by an arm and pushed him down on the couch sitting next to him
“Come on…what’s the matter?”
Seth told him the summary of what happened that afternoon and Miguel listened actively.
“It’s going to pass, I think you should be proud of yourself…your carpet is not stained of blood” he joked “and you have other friends and love is not irreplaceable.”
“I don’t want to trust anybody anymore. I thought he was my best friend…I wonder how long they were doing that behind my back. Love is just something we want to believe in, to refuse acknowledging that human life is nothing but struggling to satisfy ones physical needs…screw them!” he said filling his glass again.
“If you think that, only because of what happened today you are a coward. You prefer being the victim and making a burden of yourself than reacting” Miguel replied angrily.
“It’s time I become aware of the fact that I am possibly not going to find someone loving me completely, the same way I would be ready to love. That kind of love doesn’t exist…”
At that point Miguel had lost his temper. “You don’t understand anything” he said blushing, and he turned away from him. “I’d better I go now. I seem not to be of any use here.” He hissed while leaving his apartment.
He didn’t see him since then and he still couldn’t get over his behavior.
The door of Seth’s office creaked open.
“May I come in?” said Miguel blushing.
“Hi Miguel! Sure!”
“I won’t stay long; I just meant to apologize for last night…you asked me for support and I lost my temper…Lo siento”
“Naah, no te agüites …I was weeping like a baby. I needed someone to shake me awake. I just…I just don’t understand why you got so mad about it. I think you would have lost some faith in your fellow man too, if you had been fucked from your girlfriend and your best friend at the same time...”
“Maybe” he said “What about drinking something together at my place tonight? Then you can weep some more and I won’t be the jerk this time…” he smiled warmly. His tan skin was a neat contrast with his pearl white teeth.
Miguel’s flat was small but cozy.
“I brought a bottle of Cognac but I forgot the cigars” Seth apologized entering the room.
“It’s alright; I still have some good ones”
The night was warm and a scented breeze was coming from the sea. They sat on the floor on the balcony, and Seth all of a sudden didn’t feel like talking about what happened the day before anymore.
“Wanna talk?” said Miguel with an encouraging tone.
“Not really, I am enjoying the moment; I think I don’t really feel like talking now”
Miguel swallowed soundly “N-no problem”
They sat there for a long time, smoking and drinking, without saying a word. Seth caught his friends staring at him from time to time. He seemed worried.
“Is something bugging you?” he asked
“No, I…I’ll be right back” Miguel stood up and rushed inside.
Seth had the impression that something was wrong. He waited a while but Miguel didn’t show up. He went looking for him.
He went around in the apartment and he heard a noise of water coming from the bath. The door was open and Seth saw Miguel with his head under the gush of water from the faucet.
As he saw him he stood up, frowning, water dropping from his hair.
Seth felt his heart pounding, but he immediately got shocked from his own behavior -wait a sec! What’s with me getting all self conscious now? He is a guy and he is a friend! – Still he felt the tension rising.
Miguel stepped towards him.
He turned away “sorry” he said “you didn’t come back and I just wanted to check whether you were alright…you seemed upset”
“I was” Miguel suddenly replied whispering in Seth’s ear “I was upset at myself…for the feeling I have and for the fact that I can’t control myself” Seth’s heart was pounding so hard that he thought Miguel could hear it.
He turned back holding his breath. Their lips were so near they almost touched. “M-Miguel I…” That is what it was all about then?… was that the direction I had forgotten to look in?
“Maybe I should go home.” He said suddenly looking down
“Maybe” was the cold reply.
Going back home, he tried to clean up the mess he had in his head. What happened just a while before? What would have happened if he didn’t turn away? Was that the alcohol or Miguel really meant what he said?
For a moment he had felt like letting himself go. He wanted that. He could lie to Miguel, but he couldn’t lie to himself.
Once back home Seth threw himself on the bed without making the effort to undress. Before he realized he was asleep and shortly after the alarm clock woke him up.
“It’s already morning” he said talking to himself. In a second the memories of the night before came back to him. How am I going to face him today? I don’t know if I have to feel guilty or proud of myself…damn it!
When he arrived in the office he discovered that Miguel had called in sick.
He got on the point of calling him several times during the day, but he didn’t.
Miguel didn’t show up during the whole week and when Seth finally tried to call him he got his answering machine.
Seth began feeling guilty. Maybe he was not coming because of what happened…what if he was there feeling depressed? He had to do something…Miguel had been there for him when he was desperate.
Being honest he also wanted to see him. This last thought made him blush. He smiled embarrassed to himself “Good job Seth!” he said aloud “very good job!”
After work he drove to his apartment.
He had to ring several times before hearing footsteps on the other side of the door. He felt his blood concentrating on his cheeks.
The door went open: “Seth…How…why are you here?” Miguel was visibly surprised
“Can I come in?”
“Sure!”
They sat on the couch.
“Why didn’t you come to work?” Seth said throwing him a stern look “and why didn’t you pick up your phone?”
Miguel dropped his head and sighed. “What do you think? I have made a fool of myself. This is the first time in my life I run away from something” he confessed “I was scared that you were not going to talk to me anymore, now that you know how “things” are…”
“And…how are ‘things’?” Seth felt his own voice trembling.
Miguel raised his head and he looked at him. He was breathing quickly, his lips parted, his face suddenly flushed.
Seth moved closer to him their eyes met for a second and his brain was hushed. He took Miguel’s face in his hands and kissed him, but he didn’t return the kiss.
Seth frowned “Now I am the one making a fool of himself, I probably misunder…”
Before he could finish the sentence Miguel pulled him towards himself and kissed him, slowly, deeply for such a long time he got lost in his kiss.
“I am sorry…” Miguel finally said breaking the spell and, hugging Seth firmly, he added with a smile “I was so happy that I got stoned…”
“We are a good couple of geeks…” They laughed together.
“Well, are you going to come to work tomorrow?”
“Sure”
“Well…then it’s better for me to go now. It’s getting late…” Seth tried to free himself from his friends hug without success “what the..?”
“I don’t want you to go…”
“I don’t want to go either but…”
Miguel let him free from his hug
“Then stay” he said. He was giving him the choice to stay or go. They both stare at the ground.
Turning towards him Miguel saw that Seth was looking at him, his expression was confused, his eyes begging:
"I like it when I am looking at you and I can see you looking back at me." He said taking his hand.
He stood up and pulled Seth along. They moved to the back room.
It was a small space with no furniture but a futon bed and an old standing lamp. The large window was covered by two heavy curtains. The moonlight filtered in between barely defining the space.
They threw themselves on the bed.
“It’s a long time I ask myself how it would be like…” the moon was illuminating Miguel’s face. His eyes were glowing like the ones of a feline.
“What about?” Seth asked rolling a tuft of Miguel’s black hair around his finger.
“El sabor de tu cuerpo…”
The depth of Miguel’s voice made Seth shiver.
“I possibly didn’t tell you that you are darned sexy when you speak Spanish…”
“creo que no” Miguel answered nibbling his lips.
“Jerk…” Seth moaned slightly out of control.
The air of the room felt like velvet on his skin. Seth’s mind was filled only with his lover’s presence.
At the beginning of that day he was still fighting against the idea he could have feelings for another man and now it all felt like it was completely natural.
Maybe love really existed at the end, maybe it had been waiting for him all that time over the edge.
==================================
Author's note: taking for yourself the pleasure of coldly prepare the suticase of your partner why she is having sex with another man in the shower it's priceless. That is the moment when you realize that maybe your life needs to change direction.
Cognac is not exactly the best enhancing method but concerning me that's pure fanaticism.
“If you would look beyond your own stiff convictions Seth, you’ll see that there are people loving you. The problem is you don’t look in the right direction, Válgame Dios!”
Miguel had moved from Colombia a few years before and he had been his colleague since almost two years now. Seth found Miguel a very interesting guy, smart and cool and after a few months working together, they had been seeing each other out of work, for a drink or to play pool and they ended up becoming quite good friends.
They could talk about everything and they were always on the same wavelength.
But the day before something had turned Seth’s world upside down.
He should have been at work till late for a meeting, but the chairman had called him to cancel it, so he decided to take the rest of the day off and go home. He knew Renée didn’t have to work and he wanted to surprise her….and he did.
The door of the apartment was locked. Seth thought it was strange when they were home they just closed it without locking it. When he entered the room the muffled sounds coming from the bath caught his attention. He neared the half opened door.
Renée was in the shower facing the wall, she was moaning loudly due to the apparently skilled attentions of Ward, Seth’s best friend.
He went back to the living room took out his coat and jacket, took a glass and the bottle of cognac, he filled the glass and drank it empty in one shot.
Paying attention not to be noisy he went to the sleeping room, took a suitcase and threw all could fit of Renée’s clothes in it. He put it by the door and then he sat on the couch waiting.
It took sometimes before the two came out of the shower.
“Oh my…” he heard Renée’s shocked voice and immediately after Ward echoing her with a “Oh fuck!”
He stood up and walked to Renée “You have five minutes to disappear” he said cool “I’ll send you the rest of your stuff later”
“Seth, let me ex-…” Ward tried to say
“Shut up. Get the hell out of here, before I fucking kill you…”
Ward didn’t reply, he quickly dressed and he vanished.
When he finally remained alone, Seth took the bottle he had left on the counter with the serious intention to drink it out.
After a few more glasses the emotions began flowing in his blood amplified by the alcohol “Why am I actually smashing myself for that bitch?” he said loudly to himself kicking the leg of the table.
He took the phone and called Miguel. He needed someone to talk to, someone he could trust. His friend was a very good listener. Seth always had a good feeling after talking to him.
“Hi Miguel it’s me…Seth…”
“Hola! You sound…awful! Something the matter?”
“Just…I need to talk to someone…”
“Where are you?”
“At home.”
“Give me twenty minutes and I am there..”
When Seth opened the door, his shirt open, covered in sweat and smelling of alcohol, Miguel frowned
“What the hell has happened here? Let me in…”
He took Seth by an arm and pushed him down on the couch sitting next to him
“Come on…what’s the matter?”
Seth told him the summary of what happened that afternoon and Miguel listened actively.
“It’s going to pass, I think you should be proud of yourself…your carpet is not stained of blood” he joked “and you have other friends and love is not irreplaceable.”
“I don’t want to trust anybody anymore. I thought he was my best friend…I wonder how long they were doing that behind my back. Love is just something we want to believe in, to refuse acknowledging that human life is nothing but struggling to satisfy ones physical needs…screw them!” he said filling his glass again.
“If you think that, only because of what happened today you are a coward. You prefer being the victim and making a burden of yourself than reacting” Miguel replied angrily.
“It’s time I become aware of the fact that I am possibly not going to find someone loving me completely, the same way I would be ready to love. That kind of love doesn’t exist…”
At that point Miguel had lost his temper. “You don’t understand anything” he said blushing, and he turned away from him. “I’d better I go now. I seem not to be of any use here.” He hissed while leaving his apartment.
He didn’t see him since then and he still couldn’t get over his behavior.
The door of Seth’s office creaked open.
“May I come in?” said Miguel blushing.
“Hi Miguel! Sure!”
“I won’t stay long; I just meant to apologize for last night…you asked me for support and I lost my temper…Lo siento”
“Naah, no te agüites …I was weeping like a baby. I needed someone to shake me awake. I just…I just don’t understand why you got so mad about it. I think you would have lost some faith in your fellow man too, if you had been fucked from your girlfriend and your best friend at the same time...”
“Maybe” he said “What about drinking something together at my place tonight? Then you can weep some more and I won’t be the jerk this time…” he smiled warmly. His tan skin was a neat contrast with his pearl white teeth.
Miguel’s flat was small but cozy.
“I brought a bottle of Cognac but I forgot the cigars” Seth apologized entering the room.
“It’s alright; I still have some good ones”
The night was warm and a scented breeze was coming from the sea. They sat on the floor on the balcony, and Seth all of a sudden didn’t feel like talking about what happened the day before anymore.
“Wanna talk?” said Miguel with an encouraging tone.
“Not really, I am enjoying the moment; I think I don’t really feel like talking now”
Miguel swallowed soundly “N-no problem”
They sat there for a long time, smoking and drinking, without saying a word. Seth caught his friends staring at him from time to time. He seemed worried.
“Is something bugging you?” he asked
“No, I…I’ll be right back” Miguel stood up and rushed inside.
Seth had the impression that something was wrong. He waited a while but Miguel didn’t show up. He went looking for him.
He went around in the apartment and he heard a noise of water coming from the bath. The door was open and Seth saw Miguel with his head under the gush of water from the faucet.
As he saw him he stood up, frowning, water dropping from his hair.
Seth felt his heart pounding, but he immediately got shocked from his own behavior -wait a sec! What’s with me getting all self conscious now? He is a guy and he is a friend! – Still he felt the tension rising.
Miguel stepped towards him.
He turned away “sorry” he said “you didn’t come back and I just wanted to check whether you were alright…you seemed upset”
“I was” Miguel suddenly replied whispering in Seth’s ear “I was upset at myself…for the feeling I have and for the fact that I can’t control myself” Seth’s heart was pounding so hard that he thought Miguel could hear it.
He turned back holding his breath. Their lips were so near they almost touched. “M-Miguel I…” That is what it was all about then?… was that the direction I had forgotten to look in?
“Maybe I should go home.” He said suddenly looking down
“Maybe” was the cold reply.
Going back home, he tried to clean up the mess he had in his head. What happened just a while before? What would have happened if he didn’t turn away? Was that the alcohol or Miguel really meant what he said?
For a moment he had felt like letting himself go. He wanted that. He could lie to Miguel, but he couldn’t lie to himself.
Once back home Seth threw himself on the bed without making the effort to undress. Before he realized he was asleep and shortly after the alarm clock woke him up.
“It’s already morning” he said talking to himself. In a second the memories of the night before came back to him. How am I going to face him today? I don’t know if I have to feel guilty or proud of myself…damn it!
When he arrived in the office he discovered that Miguel had called in sick.
He got on the point of calling him several times during the day, but he didn’t.
Miguel didn’t show up during the whole week and when Seth finally tried to call him he got his answering machine.
Seth began feeling guilty. Maybe he was not coming because of what happened…what if he was there feeling depressed? He had to do something…Miguel had been there for him when he was desperate.
Being honest he also wanted to see him. This last thought made him blush. He smiled embarrassed to himself “Good job Seth!” he said aloud “very good job!”
After work he drove to his apartment.
He had to ring several times before hearing footsteps on the other side of the door. He felt his blood concentrating on his cheeks.
The door went open: “Seth…How…why are you here?” Miguel was visibly surprised
“Can I come in?”
“Sure!”
They sat on the couch.
“Why didn’t you come to work?” Seth said throwing him a stern look “and why didn’t you pick up your phone?”
Miguel dropped his head and sighed. “What do you think? I have made a fool of myself. This is the first time in my life I run away from something” he confessed “I was scared that you were not going to talk to me anymore, now that you know how “things” are…”
“And…how are ‘things’?” Seth felt his own voice trembling.
Miguel raised his head and he looked at him. He was breathing quickly, his lips parted, his face suddenly flushed.
Seth moved closer to him their eyes met for a second and his brain was hushed. He took Miguel’s face in his hands and kissed him, but he didn’t return the kiss.
Seth frowned “Now I am the one making a fool of himself, I probably misunder…”
Before he could finish the sentence Miguel pulled him towards himself and kissed him, slowly, deeply for such a long time he got lost in his kiss.
“I am sorry…” Miguel finally said breaking the spell and, hugging Seth firmly, he added with a smile “I was so happy that I got stoned…”
“We are a good couple of geeks…” They laughed together.
“Well, are you going to come to work tomorrow?”
“Sure”
“Well…then it’s better for me to go now. It’s getting late…” Seth tried to free himself from his friends hug without success “what the..?”
“I don’t want you to go…”
“I don’t want to go either but…”
Miguel let him free from his hug
“Then stay” he said. He was giving him the choice to stay or go. They both stare at the ground.
Turning towards him Miguel saw that Seth was looking at him, his expression was confused, his eyes begging:
"I like it when I am looking at you and I can see you looking back at me." He said taking his hand.
He stood up and pulled Seth along. They moved to the back room.
It was a small space with no furniture but a futon bed and an old standing lamp. The large window was covered by two heavy curtains. The moonlight filtered in between barely defining the space.
They threw themselves on the bed.
“It’s a long time I ask myself how it would be like…” the moon was illuminating Miguel’s face. His eyes were glowing like the ones of a feline.
“What about?” Seth asked rolling a tuft of Miguel’s black hair around his finger.
“El sabor de tu cuerpo…”
The depth of Miguel’s voice made Seth shiver.
“I possibly didn’t tell you that you are darned sexy when you speak Spanish…”
“creo que no” Miguel answered nibbling his lips.
“Jerk…” Seth moaned slightly out of control.
The air of the room felt like velvet on his skin. Seth’s mind was filled only with his lover’s presence.
At the beginning of that day he was still fighting against the idea he could have feelings for another man and now it all felt like it was completely natural.
Maybe love really existed at the end, maybe it had been waiting for him all that time over the edge.
==================================
Author's note: taking for yourself the pleasure of coldly prepare the suticase of your partner why she is having sex with another man in the shower it's priceless. That is the moment when you realize that maybe your life needs to change direction.
Cognac is not exactly the best enhancing method but concerning me that's pure fanaticism.
Monday, 28 March 2011
disgustingly human
I often ask myself if all this struggle that we call life it's worthy something or if we are just making fools of ourselves. Mostly I get to one answer. We are so disgustingly human.
We love to hear the words never and forever, breath eternity while we are noting more than a potential handful of ashes.
Maybe I am a pessimist, but that's because I know that optimists are poison. They will always see the good side of life just because they are too superficial to admit things rarely turn out as we would like them to, or because they are too scared to realize that whatever they do, the time will outrun them.
I would like to be able to step on the other side, but that's not my nature.
my foot are too heavy, I am not going to fly. Still I like to see the stunts of those having a light soul. I am not jealous of other people lightness, but I am quite peculiar with my own heaviness. I am not a victim, nor a martyr.
I am a man who chose to live like what he is, he accepted the fear, he welcomed the pain, since that is the only real proof he is alive.
Never. Always.
In my vocabulary they are smaller than a marble.
I will love you forever...what about my forever eventually finishing tomorrow? tell me, my love, does a forever made of one day has the same value of one lasting a million years?
I will love you with all myself. That's what counts to me.
I will love you even when you are mad at me, I will love you even when you are edgy and standoffish, I will love you every day I still have with all the force I have left.
But love is something we can't control, love is something we can't even define.
We gather all the feelings we can't label, we push them together in the name of LOVE, to celebrate ourselves.
I won't let this happen to me. I will not give up the essence to feel better. Whatever it is...affection, lust, interest, attraction, fear...I will feel, I will feel as much as I can.
I will be living for you every minute I have left. You will feel my presence, you will not be allowed to feel lonely.
I will probably fail a thousand times. I will make mistakes and ask for forgiveness. I will try to run away from you. I will beg for your attention or I will deny you mine to let you understand that I have missed you.
I will stand there and watch you even if you are not going to see me or to realize the you are this wave that is crashing on me.
I will stand there and protect you. Forget about myself and live the rest of my life only for you.
My reward will be the taste of your lips, the warmth of your body and the sound of your voice calling out my name.
And that will make it worthy to my eyes because...I am so disgustingly human.
Saturday, 26 March 2011
you'll be to me forever sacred...
I look at you while you are sleeping.
I do it every time because when you sleep you are so beautiful.
Sadness, fear and hate disappear from your face and the porcelain of your skin shines in the dimming light of the evening. If you would have told me about this feeling only a few years ago, I would have laughed at you, maybe.
Look at me now, sitting on a chair, resting my chin on my hands, watching you like a guardian angel.
You move your fingers gently, like you would be touching something delicate. Maybe you are dreaming, and I would like to think you are dreaming of us then.
The images of the kisses I gave you, the sound of our voices melting together, the taste of you on my lips.
I can’t ask for more.
Stay with me forever, grow up with me…get old and grey with me. I want to fill our days with pleasant memories and every day again I want to carve my love on your body.
The fire of my lips will write my soul on your skin because you are mine and I won’t allow anybody to touch you.
I am jealous of the wind blowing through your hair, I hate the moon when he kisses your lips sneaking through the blinds at night.
My body is your shield, the place where you can rest, the temple where you can burn, now and forever.
I’ll repeat this vow to your precious self a million times, if you want to, until the sun will stop burning and beyond, up to eternity…
I do it every time because when you sleep you are so beautiful.
Sadness, fear and hate disappear from your face and the porcelain of your skin shines in the dimming light of the evening. If you would have told me about this feeling only a few years ago, I would have laughed at you, maybe.
Look at me now, sitting on a chair, resting my chin on my hands, watching you like a guardian angel.
You move your fingers gently, like you would be touching something delicate. Maybe you are dreaming, and I would like to think you are dreaming of us then.
The images of the kisses I gave you, the sound of our voices melting together, the taste of you on my lips.
I can’t ask for more.
Stay with me forever, grow up with me…get old and grey with me. I want to fill our days with pleasant memories and every day again I want to carve my love on your body.
The fire of my lips will write my soul on your skin because you are mine and I won’t allow anybody to touch you.
I am jealous of the wind blowing through your hair, I hate the moon when he kisses your lips sneaking through the blinds at night.
My body is your shield, the place where you can rest, the temple where you can burn, now and forever.
I’ll repeat this vow to your precious self a million times, if you want to, until the sun will stop burning and beyond, up to eternity…
Thursday, 24 March 2011
memories of blood smoke and steel
“Bo?!”
“What..?”
“This has to be the thousandth time I've called you…”
“Uhh, sorry, I was spacing out.”
Sho stepped onto the cushions and sat on his heels in front of me.
“Is something the matter? You seem worried…”
“Nothing special, really. I'm just tired.”
“Bo… it's not like we just met yesterday, I can tell when something's eating you..."
He was right. We had known each other for a long time.
It was the day of my sixteenth birthday...
My grandmother was preparing coffee for me.
“Boris, did your father call?”
The question annoyed me, but I was not allowed to upset grandmother.
“No” I replied keeping cool.
I was used to that; those questions always were an introduction to something.
My grandmother raised me.
Since my father left us, my mother and I had returned to my grandparents’ house. The house had two floors, so we had an apartment of our own.
My mom took up studies at a local school for nurses and I passed all my time with my grandmother, drinking the poison of her love and authority.
“I thought as much. What a bastard. He never took care of you; he never even cared to keep in touch!”
“I don’t care.” I lied.
I knew she was going to get into the usual pattern.
“But it’s better like this. He would have ruined you and your mother, anyway.”
“Grandmother, could we avoid talking about him today?”
She looked at me with an expression that was a mix between disappointment and pity, and voiced a cold “As you wish.”
I could tell you all the words that would have come had I not stopped her; I could recite them one by one. To make a long story short, my father was insane; passing from one woman to another; a man who was unable to keep his dick in his pants. My grandparents had welcomed him like the son they didn’t have, and in return, he didn’t do anything but disappoint them.
He was a junkie and they always had to take him out troubles.
She would say, “Your grandfather still can’t get over the time when he found him in overdose, shaking, foaming at the mouth”.
My stomach contracted. Why did she insist on telling me all of these things about him? I was doing my best trying to forget about him so that the wound would heal, but she just kept slicing it open again.
That evening, my mother came home with a present for me: a new leather jacket. Just the one I wanted.
“Thanks mom! This is cool!” I wore it, putting on a show for her, “Hey baby, you doin' anything this evening? Wanna go for a ride?”
She laughed. She is so nice when she laughs.
“Actually, Bo, there is something I need to tell you…”
I stopped the scene and leaned against the wall “What is it…?”
“I want to introduce you to someone."
I saw it coming. My mom never remarried, and I knew that she had been seeing people in times passed, but none of them ever came over.
“I see. It’s alright!” I said hugging her “You don’t have to worry.”
The day after, she told me that Marc - that was his name - would be coming over for dinner.
When he came in he shook my hand strongly and said, talking to my mom, “So this is your son, you didn’t mention he was such a grown up handsome guy. Nice to meet you, kid.”
I am not a fucking kid.
“Nice to meet you, sir.”
“No please, call me Marc; we’re probably going to be seeing a lot of each other from now on.”
I can still remember the sensation I had at his touch. His hand was cold and humid, lascivious as much as his eyes were.
Something was not right. I felt it and I felt that there was nothing I could do or say to avoid him.
The months passed and he moved in with us.
He immediately began laying down rules and changing our way of living. He pushed me aside and did all in his power to convince my mother that I was a punk.
I was out. She didn’t want to be alone again and she believed him.
I began getting punished for anything I did which didn’t match his plans.
In that period, my mother got her diploma and she began working as a nurse in the city hospital. She wanted to earn as much as she could in order to buy a house and stand on her own two feet. She didn’t want to depend on her parents, nor on Marc.
To raise her income, she asked to be assigned to the night shifts.
While she was at work, I was home, with Marc.
Since our relationship was not ideal, I tried to stay away from him, and when my mom was working in the night, I went to sleep at my grandparents'.
Not that night.
When mom left I took my backpack and I sneaked to the door, but I found it closed.
I grabbed the doorknob with both hands and pulled it.
“You're out of time.”
Marc stood beside me, holding the key with two fingers, swinging it in front of my face.
I didn’t want to get into a fight with him. That would have just been a new chance for him to make me a criminal in the eyes of my mother.
I dropped my head, moving to go back to my room.
He took me by my shoulders and he pressed me to the wall.
His face was far too close. “Leave me…” I said, trying not to shout
Keeping me pinned with one arm, he squeezed my face in his opposing hand, and putting his mouth on mine he pushed his tongue in, looking for mine.
I tried to shout, but he slapped me. He pulled me up, took me into my room and threw me on the bed.
“For the next two hours you are not going to make a sound, little bitch, or I am ruining you” his hand was pushing on my mouth and nose. I was suffocating and convulsing, trying to free myself.
He beat me down, my nose was bleeding. He made with his finger a sign to tell me to shut up.
I began crying silently while he had his way with me.
That was the first time, but not the last one.
The day after, I got out early and I skipped school.
I didn’t feel like seeing anyone. I wanted to avoid questions about the marks on my face and I felt like I wanted to do something rebellious.
I got to some weed and I walked to the barely-populated place out of town.
Among the woods there was an old house. Nobody occupied it, and I would go there for a smoke from time to time.
I opened the door and headed to the back of the house, where I sat on the porch.
I lit my blunt and inhaled deeply. The smell of weed surrounded me. I lied on the bank and kept on smoking, eyes closed, enjoying the moment.
“Who are you, and what are you doing here?”, queried a voice as I sat bolt upright.
In front of me there was a guy who could be my age; from under a fall of honey blond hair I could see his grey eyes, his expression didn’t show any emotion.
I suddenly felt rage possessing me; my fist flew but before I could reach him a blade was grazing my neck.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
I dropped my hand.
“Go ahead and kill me. It's not like things can get any worse.”
“That would make me a murderer. I don't want that, so don't give me a reason.”
“Whatever…”
He put his knife away and sat on the bench “Sho… my name is Sho.”
“Boris.”
I picked up from the ground what remained of my smoke and I stepped to the door.
He took my arm
“I don’t know what makes you gravitate towards death like that, but remember this: It takes true courage to keep on living.”
I dropped my head.
“I’ll remember it.”
I left and, since school was already over, I went back home.
My mother was waiting for me, sitting at the kitchen table, hear head in her hands. They had called from school to ask about my absence.
“Can I have an explanation?” she asked, calmly.
My mother had always been like that, caring and understanding.
I didn’t reply.
“I don’t know what to do with you Bo… we give you all you need. Why do you insist behaving like some lowly punk?”
Hearing the word “we” caused something to snap.
I slammed my hands on the table.
“Why have you become so blind? Don’t you see what he is trying to do to us?”
“Why in the world are you blaming Marc for your behavior?” she said slightly raising her voice.
“Because that’s how it is! He's a liar!.”
“Mind your mouth, Bo! You know that he does a lot for us!”
“He's manipulating you! Why can't you see it?”
“That's enough…I thought I knew you. I was wrong. Go to your room, you’re grounded, and tomorrow I'm going to take you to school myself.”
“But, you’re wrong…I didn’t do anything wrong…”
“I can see it written all over your face,” she said with her eyes fixed on me, “should I expect a visit of the cops?”
I felt the tears burning in my eyes; I lost control.
“What did he do to you!? Is it just for a fuck!? You could have asked for it before going to fetch that asshole!”
My mother stood up, neared me and slapped me across the face.
“Go to your room, Boris. Now!”
I ran away.
I couldn't take staying in that house a second longer.
I grabbed a bag and threw some of my things in it. I put my jacket on and sneaked to the door.
“Boris! Where are you going? Come back, Bo!”
I heard her shouting.
I ran out and without realizing it, I headed to the old house in the rural place outside of town.
It was dark when I arrived.
The house was not illuminated.
When I neared the door I saw someone sitting under the front porch. It was Sho.
“Hi” I said, standing where I was.
“What brings you here? Still in a suicidal mood?”
“Screw you. I'm outta here.” I barked, turning away
He ran to me and grabbed me from my arm.
“Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. Do you need help?”
“I… I don’t know...”
I felt like I'd just been shot in the chest. I was crying, my body shaking as I fell to my knees.
He came over close to me and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you ok?”
“I ran away. I don't have anywhere to stay. ...Is it alright if I stay here? I'll be gone by first light.” I asked with trembling voice.
He didn’t answer. He helped me stand, and we entered the house.
“I'll go get you something to drink. Just wait here…” he showed me a mountain of cushions filling the corner of the room. I put my bag on the ground and sat.
After a few minutes he came back holding a cup, the scent of the tea filled the room.
He crawled on the pillows and sat on his heels.
“Here, drink this, it'll do you good.”
I took a sip and, suddenly, the tiredness from the night's ordeal caught up with me.
I looked at him sitting there, hands closed in a fist on his legs, his head down his eyes closed.
“Are you some kind of Samurai or something?”
He threw me a stern glance, “You should get some rest.” he said.
He went away and returned after a while with a blanket. I looked at him, hoping that my eyes would tell him my thoughts without having to utter them as words. “It’s alright,” he said, “sleep now.”
As far as I can recall, I fell asleep immediately, and the face of Marcus haunted my nightmares. I woke up, gasping for breath. Sho was looking at me. He was sitting, leaning against the wall, legs crossed, arms folded.
“Wanna talk about it?”
The shallow light filtering in through the broken blind told me that it was dawn.
“...I need a smoke.” We went to sit under the back porch and, almost without realizing, I began talking to him. It was as if I'd known him once before, from a long time ago.
He listened to me without commenting, or even changing his expression.
“So, what are you going to do now?” he asked me.
“I don’t know…”
He stared at the ground, pensive. It was true, too. I didn't have the faintest idea.
“I think you should go back home until you have a plan.”
I knew he was right, but the idea of seeing that jerk again really didn't excite me.
“Listen,” he continued, “I know you love your mother… why don't you try to talk to her again? If it’s not working…you…” he hesitated “...you can always come back here.” he concluded, staring at the ground.
I can still remember the gratitude I felt for that guy who gave me so much help without knowing me, without asking for anything in return.
I came back home that day, made it up to my mother, but the situation didn’t change.
I kept on living there and he kept on abusing me at his will.
But every time I felt that I was sinking, every time I felt like doing something really wrong, I could go to Sho. He would always listen to me, helping me understand what I really wanted to do, without telling me what was right or wrong.
“So,” Sho came lie next to me on the cushions, “wanna talk about it?” he made me smile.
In all the years that we were together he didn’t change of a bit, always cool and understanding.
After many years he was still the one helping me to stay on my path.
“I'm just tired, don't sweat it.”
I put a hand behind his neck, pulled him towards me and kissed him.
“Mmmmh,” he moaned, “I like it when you're tired.”
I smirked, “How about you make me use some energy, then?”
It was almost dawn and a sunbeam filtered in through the broken blind, obscuring my vision.
I pulled myself up and pushed him down on the cushions.
“We should fix that blind, you know.” I said, grazing his cheeks with my lips
“Mhmh,” he said languidly, letting himself be undressed, “later… I’ll… do it while you’re sleeping…”
You know what? We still have to fix that…
“What..?”
“This has to be the thousandth time I've called you…”
“Uhh, sorry, I was spacing out.”
Sho stepped onto the cushions and sat on his heels in front of me.
“Is something the matter? You seem worried…”
“Nothing special, really. I'm just tired.”
“Bo… it's not like we just met yesterday, I can tell when something's eating you..."
He was right. We had known each other for a long time.
It was the day of my sixteenth birthday...
My grandmother was preparing coffee for me.
“Boris, did your father call?”
The question annoyed me, but I was not allowed to upset grandmother.
“No” I replied keeping cool.
I was used to that; those questions always were an introduction to something.
My grandmother raised me.
Since my father left us, my mother and I had returned to my grandparents’ house. The house had two floors, so we had an apartment of our own.
My mom took up studies at a local school for nurses and I passed all my time with my grandmother, drinking the poison of her love and authority.
“I thought as much. What a bastard. He never took care of you; he never even cared to keep in touch!”
“I don’t care.” I lied.
I knew she was going to get into the usual pattern.
“But it’s better like this. He would have ruined you and your mother, anyway.”
“Grandmother, could we avoid talking about him today?”
She looked at me with an expression that was a mix between disappointment and pity, and voiced a cold “As you wish.”
I could tell you all the words that would have come had I not stopped her; I could recite them one by one. To make a long story short, my father was insane; passing from one woman to another; a man who was unable to keep his dick in his pants. My grandparents had welcomed him like the son they didn’t have, and in return, he didn’t do anything but disappoint them.
He was a junkie and they always had to take him out troubles.
She would say, “Your grandfather still can’t get over the time when he found him in overdose, shaking, foaming at the mouth”.
My stomach contracted. Why did she insist on telling me all of these things about him? I was doing my best trying to forget about him so that the wound would heal, but she just kept slicing it open again.
That evening, my mother came home with a present for me: a new leather jacket. Just the one I wanted.
“Thanks mom! This is cool!” I wore it, putting on a show for her, “Hey baby, you doin' anything this evening? Wanna go for a ride?”
She laughed. She is so nice when she laughs.
“Actually, Bo, there is something I need to tell you…”
I stopped the scene and leaned against the wall “What is it…?”
“I want to introduce you to someone."
I saw it coming. My mom never remarried, and I knew that she had been seeing people in times passed, but none of them ever came over.
“I see. It’s alright!” I said hugging her “You don’t have to worry.”
The day after, she told me that Marc - that was his name - would be coming over for dinner.
When he came in he shook my hand strongly and said, talking to my mom, “So this is your son, you didn’t mention he was such a grown up handsome guy. Nice to meet you, kid.”
I am not a fucking kid.
“Nice to meet you, sir.”
“No please, call me Marc; we’re probably going to be seeing a lot of each other from now on.”
I can still remember the sensation I had at his touch. His hand was cold and humid, lascivious as much as his eyes were.
Something was not right. I felt it and I felt that there was nothing I could do or say to avoid him.
The months passed and he moved in with us.
He immediately began laying down rules and changing our way of living. He pushed me aside and did all in his power to convince my mother that I was a punk.
I was out. She didn’t want to be alone again and she believed him.
I began getting punished for anything I did which didn’t match his plans.
In that period, my mother got her diploma and she began working as a nurse in the city hospital. She wanted to earn as much as she could in order to buy a house and stand on her own two feet. She didn’t want to depend on her parents, nor on Marc.
To raise her income, she asked to be assigned to the night shifts.
While she was at work, I was home, with Marc.
Since our relationship was not ideal, I tried to stay away from him, and when my mom was working in the night, I went to sleep at my grandparents'.
Not that night.
When mom left I took my backpack and I sneaked to the door, but I found it closed.
I grabbed the doorknob with both hands and pulled it.
“You're out of time.”
Marc stood beside me, holding the key with two fingers, swinging it in front of my face.
I didn’t want to get into a fight with him. That would have just been a new chance for him to make me a criminal in the eyes of my mother.
I dropped my head, moving to go back to my room.
He took me by my shoulders and he pressed me to the wall.
His face was far too close. “Leave me…” I said, trying not to shout
Keeping me pinned with one arm, he squeezed my face in his opposing hand, and putting his mouth on mine he pushed his tongue in, looking for mine.
I tried to shout, but he slapped me. He pulled me up, took me into my room and threw me on the bed.
“For the next two hours you are not going to make a sound, little bitch, or I am ruining you” his hand was pushing on my mouth and nose. I was suffocating and convulsing, trying to free myself.
He beat me down, my nose was bleeding. He made with his finger a sign to tell me to shut up.
I began crying silently while he had his way with me.
That was the first time, but not the last one.
The day after, I got out early and I skipped school.
I didn’t feel like seeing anyone. I wanted to avoid questions about the marks on my face and I felt like I wanted to do something rebellious.
I got to some weed and I walked to the barely-populated place out of town.
Among the woods there was an old house. Nobody occupied it, and I would go there for a smoke from time to time.
I opened the door and headed to the back of the house, where I sat on the porch.
I lit my blunt and inhaled deeply. The smell of weed surrounded me. I lied on the bank and kept on smoking, eyes closed, enjoying the moment.
“Who are you, and what are you doing here?”, queried a voice as I sat bolt upright.
In front of me there was a guy who could be my age; from under a fall of honey blond hair I could see his grey eyes, his expression didn’t show any emotion.
I suddenly felt rage possessing me; my fist flew but before I could reach him a blade was grazing my neck.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
I dropped my hand.
“Go ahead and kill me. It's not like things can get any worse.”
“That would make me a murderer. I don't want that, so don't give me a reason.”
“Whatever…”
He put his knife away and sat on the bench “Sho… my name is Sho.”
“Boris.”
I picked up from the ground what remained of my smoke and I stepped to the door.
He took my arm
“I don’t know what makes you gravitate towards death like that, but remember this: It takes true courage to keep on living.”
I dropped my head.
“I’ll remember it.”
I left and, since school was already over, I went back home.
My mother was waiting for me, sitting at the kitchen table, hear head in her hands. They had called from school to ask about my absence.
“Can I have an explanation?” she asked, calmly.
My mother had always been like that, caring and understanding.
I didn’t reply.
“I don’t know what to do with you Bo… we give you all you need. Why do you insist behaving like some lowly punk?”
Hearing the word “we” caused something to snap.
I slammed my hands on the table.
“Why have you become so blind? Don’t you see what he is trying to do to us?”
“Why in the world are you blaming Marc for your behavior?” she said slightly raising her voice.
“Because that’s how it is! He's a liar!.”
“Mind your mouth, Bo! You know that he does a lot for us!”
“He's manipulating you! Why can't you see it?”
“That's enough…I thought I knew you. I was wrong. Go to your room, you’re grounded, and tomorrow I'm going to take you to school myself.”
“But, you’re wrong…I didn’t do anything wrong…”
“I can see it written all over your face,” she said with her eyes fixed on me, “should I expect a visit of the cops?”
I felt the tears burning in my eyes; I lost control.
“What did he do to you!? Is it just for a fuck!? You could have asked for it before going to fetch that asshole!”
My mother stood up, neared me and slapped me across the face.
“Go to your room, Boris. Now!”
I ran away.
I couldn't take staying in that house a second longer.
I grabbed a bag and threw some of my things in it. I put my jacket on and sneaked to the door.
“Boris! Where are you going? Come back, Bo!”
I heard her shouting.
I ran out and without realizing it, I headed to the old house in the rural place outside of town.
It was dark when I arrived.
The house was not illuminated.
When I neared the door I saw someone sitting under the front porch. It was Sho.
“Hi” I said, standing where I was.
“What brings you here? Still in a suicidal mood?”
“Screw you. I'm outta here.” I barked, turning away
He ran to me and grabbed me from my arm.
“Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. Do you need help?”
“I… I don’t know...”
I felt like I'd just been shot in the chest. I was crying, my body shaking as I fell to my knees.
He came over close to me and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you ok?”
“I ran away. I don't have anywhere to stay. ...Is it alright if I stay here? I'll be gone by first light.” I asked with trembling voice.
He didn’t answer. He helped me stand, and we entered the house.
“I'll go get you something to drink. Just wait here…” he showed me a mountain of cushions filling the corner of the room. I put my bag on the ground and sat.
After a few minutes he came back holding a cup, the scent of the tea filled the room.
He crawled on the pillows and sat on his heels.
“Here, drink this, it'll do you good.”
I took a sip and, suddenly, the tiredness from the night's ordeal caught up with me.
I looked at him sitting there, hands closed in a fist on his legs, his head down his eyes closed.
“Are you some kind of Samurai or something?”
He threw me a stern glance, “You should get some rest.” he said.
He went away and returned after a while with a blanket. I looked at him, hoping that my eyes would tell him my thoughts without having to utter them as words. “It’s alright,” he said, “sleep now.”
As far as I can recall, I fell asleep immediately, and the face of Marcus haunted my nightmares. I woke up, gasping for breath. Sho was looking at me. He was sitting, leaning against the wall, legs crossed, arms folded.
“Wanna talk about it?”
The shallow light filtering in through the broken blind told me that it was dawn.
“...I need a smoke.” We went to sit under the back porch and, almost without realizing, I began talking to him. It was as if I'd known him once before, from a long time ago.
He listened to me without commenting, or even changing his expression.
“So, what are you going to do now?” he asked me.
“I don’t know…”
He stared at the ground, pensive. It was true, too. I didn't have the faintest idea.
“I think you should go back home until you have a plan.”
I knew he was right, but the idea of seeing that jerk again really didn't excite me.
“Listen,” he continued, “I know you love your mother… why don't you try to talk to her again? If it’s not working…you…” he hesitated “...you can always come back here.” he concluded, staring at the ground.
I can still remember the gratitude I felt for that guy who gave me so much help without knowing me, without asking for anything in return.
I came back home that day, made it up to my mother, but the situation didn’t change.
I kept on living there and he kept on abusing me at his will.
But every time I felt that I was sinking, every time I felt like doing something really wrong, I could go to Sho. He would always listen to me, helping me understand what I really wanted to do, without telling me what was right or wrong.
“So,” Sho came lie next to me on the cushions, “wanna talk about it?” he made me smile.
In all the years that we were together he didn’t change of a bit, always cool and understanding.
After many years he was still the one helping me to stay on my path.
“I'm just tired, don't sweat it.”
I put a hand behind his neck, pulled him towards me and kissed him.
“Mmmmh,” he moaned, “I like it when you're tired.”
I smirked, “How about you make me use some energy, then?”
It was almost dawn and a sunbeam filtered in through the broken blind, obscuring my vision.
I pulled myself up and pushed him down on the cushions.
“We should fix that blind, you know.” I said, grazing his cheeks with my lips
“Mhmh,” he said languidly, letting himself be undressed, “later… I’ll… do it while you’re sleeping…”
You know what? We still have to fix that…
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
pathos and diary pages (I)
Tonight Boris is hanging to a bottle.
Fucking up. Because that is what he can do better.
The stories on the point of my pen seem to be always ending up in nothing. Everything starts and ends and there is nothing but void in between.
I don’t care about what life still has to give. I want to take what I want, not wait for some almsgiving shit.
I know it will be hard tomorrow but someone told me that it’s when it’s hard, that you can show you have a spine.
I have nothing left to break.
To the illusion and the hope I have felt, I say farewell. I am not able to hope without hanging on a thought of happiness and that hurts like hell.
I’d better burn (I would say…FUCK YEAH!) instead of staying here, living a virtual life without being able to manage the real one.
But this is so much better.
Here I can be the man I always wanted to be, strong, reliable, cool.
Out there I am nothing than a delicate branch braking at the first blow of the wind.
I ask forgiveness for the disappointment I cause and I wait for inspiration, while vomiting anger.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
stained blossom
Reality is a trap. When you fall into it, there’s no way out. When you’re there there’s nothing but pain and all you can do is to stay motionless and try to forget.
“what are you planning to do, Bo?”
I swallowed soundly.
“Nothing” my answer echoed in the room.
“Months have passed and you don’t even try to get over it...what do you expect from me?”
My thoughts became blurry and I suddenly felt sick.
“Maybe it’s better you don’t come here anymore Sho. You are going to loose your time and you don’t owe me a thing.”
“What about our friendship? Our projects?”
“Friendship has nothing to do with this and without him nothing has sense anymore. What we wanted to do...I don’t even want to think about it anymore”
“I got it.” Sho’s voice became harsh “I was never in. I’ve always just been an accessory, some ‘easy to drop’ thing...am I wrong?”
I couldn’t answer. After the accident Sho had come to see me every day. He was entering the room kneeling on my carpet and he was sitting there for hours hands closed in a fist on his legs, his head down the eyes closed.
I was looking at him through the tears and I saw a slender warrior meditating about honour, life, death.
Every time he talked his voice crashed inside me like a wave mixing with the pain so strongly that my heart felt torpid.
“I can’t pretend that nothing happened and just go on.” I told him “ I was responsible for him” as much as I am for you. Go away Sho! Begin a new life. All this will bring to nothing. I am not worthy the time you spend here and I don’t want you here anymore...” I turned myself to the wall and closed my eyes.
I heard him standing up and heading to the door. The door clicked open and when I heard it getting closed again my breath became faster and I couldn’t keep the tears that were burning my eyes anymore.
I was hearing the sound of the tears falling on my pillow every drop made my head ache.
The loud moan escaping out of my throat became a cry that I suffocated in the mattress.
Desperation was paralyzing me. I pushed my fists into my chest so much that I hurt myself. And I remained that way until I didn’t have any voice left to shout, until the tears dried on my face and, exhausted, I fell asleep
And the dream came like every night.
It was in a narrow fetid street. The few street lanterns which were still working didn’t give enough light to define the profile of the buildings all around.
I felt Sho’s regular breath alternating with Tate’s desperate breathlessness coming from behind me
“It’s too dangerous Bo, It’s useless, Kid is gone, get over it!”
Before I could even try to hold it my fist hit Tate’s nose.
“Shit! Are you crazy?” Tate kept his bleeding nose trying not to shout, Sho who was holding him by his shoulders, looked at me with questioning eyes.
“Go to hell out of here Tate...You are useless here. Go back to the cove and stay there. Sho, you can go back with him, I’ll take care of this shit myself”
I heard someone running away. When I turned Tate had disappeared while Sho was still beside me. His expression unchanged.
“Why don’t you go?”
“I am not scared about death. But you....why do you do this for Kid? He screwed it up. He sold us, and then he ended up in Babylon
“You know what I feel for him Sho...”
“When you are a leader you can’t decide with your heart, Bo”
I turned back towards the desert street
“No matter what you decide” he added “I’ll come with you”
I nodded at him and the scene changed. I was in Babylon
“I wonder how it feels having a clone....I wonder if it soothes the fear of dying”
It was Kid’s voice coming from behind my back. I turned an looked at him.
“A real warrior has to be able to bear the thought of death. I didn’t think you were such a coward!”
Kid looked down embarrassed “the only reason that makes me fear death is the fear of loosing you...”.
I felt like I was going to suffocate and the scene behind my eyelids changed again.
I was in a room illuminated by a little red paper lantern, decorated with golden dragons.
I couldn’t feel my body but the warmth of the body holding me. I knew the hands touching my chest, strong hands signed by the use of the sword but delicate and warm.
“Kid...”
I felt his breath on my neck, then going down on my chest, I heard it getting shallower and faster.
“Kid...”
“We will always be together...”
The pleasure didn’t match the feeling of anxiety and pain that I still felt in my heart.
“Kid...don’t leave me...”
Suddenly the dark. My body was floating naked in the void. “Forgive me, Bo...” Kid’s voice broken by moans of pain “A warrior can’t decide with his heart”
A flash of light illuminated the scene. Kid was hanging on a butcher’s hook, his eyes wide open, blood flowing on his chest.
I sat up in my bed soaked of sweat, a shout stuck in my throat.
I didn’t do anything to hold the tears. A warrior must not cry, my father had told me that, but I didn’t care, I didn’t want to be a warrior anymore. I had lost to much to a cause that was not my own: honour love and I was about to loose friendship too.
Sho was the only important person left in my life. I stood up. I had to go and see him, excuse myself for having been such a jerk after all he had done for me.
I changed my clothes and headed to the subway.
The sky was getting the colours of sunset.
The evening train was crowded as usual, but I was so insensitive to the world around me that I barely noticed.
The house of Sho was in an open area outside town.
He didn’t like the crowd of Babylon
Sho was training in the yard. He liked to practice the outdoor.
When he saw me coming he lowed his sword and looked surprised.
“Bo?”
I laughed embarrassed.
“What happened?”
“I –I felt I needed to excuse myself”
Without commenting he showed me the door with his hand
“let’s go inside” he said.
We entered the house. The small front room was filled by large cushions he used as a couch.
He set on his heels while I threw myself on them falling on my back.
“You were right Sho, I have to try to get over it. But I have decided I want to leave the black market” if we don’t stop we are going to end up like Kid.”
Sho didn’t seem to be surprised.
“What do you plan to do?”
“I still don’t know, but I wanted to ask you...” I suddenly couldn’t finish the sentence.
“I told you already” he said taking me out of it “Whatever you decide, I am with you”.
For the first time since I had known Sho I saw him smiling, his skin like porcelain and his deep grey eyes were glowing in the warm colour of the huge candles illuminating the room. I had never paid attention to his looks before. He had always just been my right arm and my best friend.
He stood up.
“why don’t you just rest for a while, I have to take a shower and after that I'll make you something to eat...I fear it will be some deep freeze stuff...I didn’t count any guests for this evening”
“It’s all right”
Sho disappeared behind a sliding door and I tried to relax.
The flame of the candles was dancing at the little blows of hair coming through the old windows.
What could I do? There was not much I was able to do beside fighting, hacking and gathering information for the clients in the black market. I once used to repair and restore antique when my grandfather was still alive, but that was in the past.
After eating we sat outside under the porch in the back of the house. Sho had brought a bottle of plum liquor and he offered me a glass.
The smell of plums was sweet and penetrating.
“Last time we drank this we were all together by the artificial lake for your birthday. Do you remember?” I told him.
“How could I forget? You drank so much that you fell on the ground...after that you stood up again drank another glass, and Kid made you laugh on purpose so that all the liquor came out of your nose. Unforgettable!” he laughed soundly
“Yeah, that jerk!” I frowned. I didn’t understand how he could do that to me.
The week before he died he stole the data we had gathered for one of the biggest clan in the black market and he gave them to their opponent, but instead of getting paid for it, he finished in their exploiting centre, where they used him as a hacker and then, when he had done the job they expected from him, they killed him.
I drank the glass in one shot. Sho looked at me with his glass in his hand and then swallowed his liquor in one shot too.
We laughed, drank and remembered the past.
“I have to go now” it was almost morning, a thick mist was covering the meadow.
“Right”
We stood up and Sho came with me to the front door.
Before opening the door I put a hand on his shoulder.
“Thanks Sho, without your help I would still be on my knees...”
I hugged him. His heart was pounding.
“Bo...”
Our faces were so near, the smell of flowers of his skin surrounded me.
My arms went down from his shoulders and pulled up his shirt, he tasted of plums and his tongue skilfully looked for mine. Undressing each other we landed on the cushions.
Illustration By Grey
It felt right but it was not. He was my best friend, that was not the right way to forget Kid.
“Sho, I think we’d better...” he kissed me silent.
“Bo, I have been waiting for this for all these years, watching you and Kid, staying beside you. Even if you don’t want this anymore I will take you tonight...”
I lost my determination. I closed my eyes.
Sho’s hands found their way, so did his mouth. The point of his tongue roamed drawing pleasure on my skin, while his hands caressed my erection.
My breath was out of control. Sho could feel any contraction of my muscles and following the rhythm of that pulse he lead me to the edge and than stopped making me lose control.
I sat up and rushed behind him. I kissed his back and grabbed his legs tightly.
He dropped his head on the pillow panting laboriously.
The warmth inside of him made me shiver, I leaned on his back and rubbed gently on his hardened nipple. He got a hold of his shaft and stroke it following the movements of my hips.
I didn’t want it to finish.
“Sho I want to taste...I want to know how you taste...”
“mmmh, Bo I am near...If you talk once more, It’ll be too late!”
He lied on his back and I took him in my mouth. He tasted sweet and salty, vaguely of plums and alcohol...
“You taste great” I said licking my lips with the point of my tongue.
I put his tight on my legs and while entering him again I kissed his mouth deeply, slowly.
Coming was like a kaleidoscope of sensations he swallowed me and my soul, there was no way back.
Sho came suffocating his moans in the pillows.
I went to lie next to him.
“My fucking god...” I uttered
“Do I have to understand that you liked it?”
I punched his side gently and he grinned
“I don’t think I am going to forget this very quickly...I told him.”
“I won’t let you” he answered
He stretched. “what about sleeping a while?”
I frowned “I can’t sleep Sho, the images of the night we have found Kid keep on tormenting me...I-I’d better go home...” I said sitting up.
Sho punched me down.
“No way. You are staying here and if you have a nightmare again I will take care of you. We need to discuss about our future when we wake up!” he added.
I surrendered and put myself down. He lied prone and put his arm on my waist.
“Try to sleep now” he said.
I closed my eyes waiting for the dream to come. I didn’t know what would have been of our lives, but I knew Sho had always been there when I needed him to be.
Another day was going to come, and in that moment I knew I didn’t have to face it alone. It was all that mattered.