beyond existence there's life

I have tried to find  shape made of words for what I feel now. You told me that I always know what to say, but it's hardly the case.

There are moments in which life inspires me, and then words flow like champagne in my head and I could write for hours and each single thought would make sense to me.

sometimes I am empty. Nothing in me, nothing out of me.

One single moment like electricity passing from one soul to the other and the thin unawareness implodes creating a feeling you can't understand.

I don't care understanding anything. I want to feel.

Understanding kills my emotions and I am made of emotions. 

I feel trapped.

I need to open my wings and fly, burn myself with the sun, crash on the ground. But not having my light being blown off like I would be a candle.

You crossed a path.

I was on that path.

Call it coincidence, statistic.

I call it destiny.

I believe the half of me is out there and if I follow the common sense I am never going to find it.

What matters is feeling.

Feeling until we can.

Feeling pain, pleasure, happiness or despair, that's not important.

The important is that if with your words, your voice, your presence, even for a minute you make me feel alive, that minute will be a minute actively lived.

I want to live. Existing is not enough.

I have been forced, abused, brainwashed, I have known fear, hate, filthy passion and desperate happiness, and it all went. 

You are the sun today, you can chose to shine a while for me, still being innocent even if we are stealing apples from the knowledge tree, you can chose to send me back to black.

I will have just missed a chance.

So will you.

I am not able to write all these emotions on a line. I have let the wind come in and they'are all messed up now. 

=======================================================================

NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I am going to rest now, up to the late night hours

I need some sleep

I don't feel like working or writing or moving at all today.
I am thinking about a lot of things and nothing.
I am thinking about the way I am hiding, to protect other people and therefore denying the fact that I am not like they want to see me.

I am a coward and I am afraid of losing the privilege of a comfortable life.

But I have had my dose of discomfort in the years that passed.
I have been fighting with all kind of things and persons, I have been on the edge of losing all, I have played with my life like in a discreet Russian roulette I was the only one being aware of and I have shut a lot of doors behind me.

I'm paying that now. The doors I have closed cannot be opened anymore, they are doors made of a thick unbreakable glass making me face the chances I have burned every day. I see them, beyond the glass and I can't do anything, I can't turn the time back and try again.

Sometimes I ask myself if what I feel can be called regret, but I don't think so. It's just a silent pain, something you can't describe with words, the awareness that my life is not going to be forever.

Death scares me. No...the void scares me. The silence scares me. Leaving...scares me.

That's why I stay where I stay and do what I do. Because I am so fucking scared.

There have been people trying to convince me that death is nothing to be scared about. Other people told me it's useless to be scared about something you can't change.
But I have seen it. I have seen it on the face of people I loved, I have seen it take away the only person who counted for me. And it was scary, it was cold, it was lonely, excruciating, inevitable and terrible.

Today I didn't feel like writing, but I am doing it because writing is the only thing that saves me from losing my sanity when I am in this mood.

I dreamed of spiders last night. All over my body they were coming out from my skin...thousands of them. I was terrified. I woke up in sweat, my breathe out of control and I couldn't fall asleep anymore.

Today I didn't feel like writing, but now that I am doing it I feel like I would be drinking and slowly falling into the soft warm oblivion of alcohol. Writing is better, you won't be out of service for three days afterwards, only a little bit slow and anesthetized but I can cope with that.

I don't know what I have to believe in now. I look at my hand and the lines on my palm seem to change their length and direction. I am hallucinating. I would like to be able to hallucinate some more and feel your hand touching my hair again, like in the past. Still I can't understand why it stopped. That made me feel so much better.

The more I calm down, the less my head can produce words and sentences. This post will be over in a few lines.

I have been able to survive the crash for twenty years and, believe me, twenty years is a fucking lot of time.
I would like a period of twenty years of being carefree to start right now, but I am not allowed so much time, and I am too drenched in my own convictions to allow myself a blank mind and just enjoy.
I am a cunt, but that's the way I know myself.
The last thing I need right now is looking at me without recognizing what I see.
Wherever I go, I can at least be sure that Boris, that old jerk, will not let me down.

========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I want to sleep...like 3 days without waking up. What the fuck.

Anaerobic breathe

Far from the city, behind a low hill, where a long time ago there was the shoe factory, there is now a gipsy camp.
I often go there for a walk, it's mostly a silent place.
Especially at night, the only thing you hear is the sound of a violin, playing the same melody, over and over again.

The person who plays this is really skilled I always say to myself but it's not only that, it's the melancholy, the struggle you hear in that music. I would like to see this passionate player.

A few months ago I was lying on the grass watching the sky and listening to the violin when the melody stopped.

After a while I heard silent footsteps in my direction and I sat up suddenly, ready to face whoever was coming towards me.

A man, I thought he was very young, even if I was not able to estimate his age.
His skin was pale and his hair seemed white in the moonlight.
His green eyes were wild at the point he seemed to be angry.

"I saw you. Every time you came here" he said, his voice was deep and didn't have any emotional intonation.
"What are you looking for?"

His aggression amused me.
"I am just relaxing and listening to music" I said smiling.

He frowned.
"The show is over. You should actually pay for it"
I raised my eyebrows in sarcastic disbelief.
"I see...was that you the one playing?"
"None of your business. And if you are smart you go the hell out of here"

without adding a word, the guy walked down the hill and disappeared in a silver caravan. I heard his voice shouting and the voice of a girl shouting back. After a while the girl ran out of the caravan.
The light was turned off and no sound could be heard anymore.

Once I came back to my apartment I took a shower standing under the hot water. I could not stop thinking about that guy. He was so thin he could be mistaken with a child but his deep voice and his harsh manners gave away he was a man, with a very bad attitude.
I smiled about how cocky he had come over to me.
I liked him.
I wanted to see him again.

The night after I went sitting on the hill again.
No sound could be heard, except the far noise of the city.

No violin. I thought disappointed.
I threw myself on the grass and I closed my eyes.

Suddenly I felt something jumping on me. At first I thought it was a wild dog or another wild animal, but the wild animal gripped at my shirt in a menacing way and I realized it was the wild boy of the night before threatening mounting me.

"Didn't I fucking tell you to stay away from here?"
I tried to get him off me but he was impressively strong.
"Why does it disturb you so much that I come here? I am not doing anything wrong...just enjoying the night."
"They don't like to have people watching them. Do you want to be hurt?"
I was really pissed off by this free low life attitude I looked at him without answering.

He got off me.

"I was just trying to protect you. Don't tell me I didn't warn you when something happens".

I realized that after that evening nothing would have been the same anymore.
I had to talk to him.

"I wanted to see you again" I uttered
Good Boris, that's the best way to inform him about your...preferences.
"I don't even know your name"

He looked at me. He didn't seem surprised, charmed or annoyed from the fact I could eventually like him.

"My name is Yura Semenov"
"I'm Boris. Boris Le Boursier"

He smiled. It was a smile of someone who is not used to be happy.

"If you promise to be very very silent, I am going to show you where I live. But don't!...don't say a word...ok?"
I nodded.

We quickly walked down the hill. I tried to walk in his footsteps, I had the impression that it would have made less noise that way.

The door of the silver caravan was open and the dimmed light inside was colouring the interior in warm tones.
Right behind the door there was a little kitchen and on the right there was a big couch covered with several layers of coloured fabrics. On the ground there were pillows and books in a very tidy disorder, I thought.

The walls were covered with drawings, mostly nude portraits: recurrent figures were a young woman and...me.

"What the..." I whispered remembering that I had promised to shut up.

He blushed.
"I am really surprised you never noticed me. I have been following you, since a long time. During the day, when you go read in the park, down at the City Hall Square, I come there and I draw you. That's why I wanted to warn you Boris...because in a certain way...I care about you"

He turned to the kitchen "Want something to drink?"
I nodded, he poured some kind of dark drink into a small glass taking one for himself too.
He gave it to me showing me the couch "Let's seat" he said.

In the caravan was very warm, I took out my jacket. Yura took out his blouse.
On his left shoulder there was a tattoo representing a  black sun.
He saw me looking at it.
"that's how they call me here întuneric soare, it means dark sun"

We drank. Yura explained me that the liquor was made by the Romani and it was made of plums, fruits and blossoms. The taste was a bit sour but it was sweet as aftertaste. I liked it.

Yura took a sketch book from the ground and he handed it to me, then he filled his glass again, I refused to have more and begun leafing through the sketchbook.
It was all drawings of me.
On the last page I was lying on the couch in the caravan naked, Yura on me.

I looked at him.
His green eyes were wild, a languid light in their depth.
That's what you have been dreaming of? I thought. He nodded, like he could have read my mind.
He crawled on my lap, like a wild cat.

He took away my shirt and begun working on my belt. When he finally got me naked he pushed me down on the couch and finished undressing himself.
He sat on me. He smelled of incense.
I was so high of his scent I was almost exploding.
He whispered words to my hear, words I can't remember, words like an hypnotic charm.
While talking he was kissing my body, licking my neck, his cold hands all over my heated body.

Sex tasted of far lands I've never been to. Spicy, harsh, sweet and desperate.
Our breaths were running after each other and our skins were like magnet.
We discovered each other until dawn came discreet to tell us it was time to stop the game.

We dressed quickly and we went back on the hill as silent as we had come.

"When will I see you again?"

While I asked him my head was a hurricane of emotions I could not dominate
...it's like you would be my oxygen and when you are not there I would stop breathing, waiting for the next time I can see you again...

He kissed me silent and he looked around furtive "tonight...I want you again...come tonight..."

Since then I passed every night with him, always in his caravan, listening to his violin, which, now I know it, was playing only for me, making love and holding each other like lost kittens, in a corner of the world.

I know he is not mine. Yura is wild and free, nobody can possess him, if you are lucky you can feel him, and he will decide when, how and for how long.

I don't want anything more than that, his scent, his skin, his words (that I still cannot remember) whispered while we make love.
Every second of him is the lymph keeping me alive, I am like a plant needing its dark sun to survive.

=====================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: you can see a portrait of Yura here
PS: thanks for this dream

And then she came

Sometimes you don't see it coming. Seriously.
I always thought I had defined my taste and feelings but probably I am never content.
I was planning to stop being a dreamer, a helpless romantic lost soul but then she came.

I mostly don't trust women. They have the gift of making you lose control, because they know where the center of your control resides.

"You'll have to work together, so don't sweat it Boris, she is a professional."

I sulked without showing it, trying to cope with the bad feeling possessing me at her sight, but when James opened the door and she walked in, I felt uncomfortable, in a way I didn't like.

"Romi" she said shaking my hand "My name is Romi Borgois". Her smile had something familiar, or maybe it just felt like that, I said to myself, concentrating my eyes on the project sheet that was spread on the table.

Romi explained her point of view on the works we had to start for the renovation of the warehouse, she talked calm and concentrated. I followed the movements of her lips and James had to answer her questions to me more than once.

James and I are friends since ages, and business partners since almost as long.
"Now I got why you didn't want to work with her..." he said once the meeting had finished "you were scared you'd like her?"
Was I? The question kept turning in my head like a vortex.
"Don't be such a jerk James...I am not happy to work with her. Competent women scare me in a way" and after saying that I smirked at my friend who was already shaking his head in disbelieve.

"You are really peculiar Le Boursier! I have never known anybody as weird as you are..."
James was trying to be serious but you could see that he was amused and curious about how my relationship with Romi would evolve.
"Sure" I replied "I just hope my first attempt to being normal is not going to finish in a black eye..."
"Or blue balls..." James replied sardonic.
I rolled my eyes at him.

"What about going to drink something? I need some alcohol to get sober" I said laughing and James laughed along.

We had a drink at Carl's and we enjoyed talking and remembering the past, like we normally do every time we meet outside of work.
The evening was promising fun and relaxed until a voice from behind my back made me stiffen
"Can I join?"
James almost spit his beer on me, probably my face had to be ridiculous, even Carl was laughing at me.
"S...sure" I said gesturing the seat beside me with my free hand "what are you drinking?"
"a beer will do for me too..."
Romi smiled, no sign of mocking amusement in her expression.
She had caught the guys laughing at me still she was not going to use that against me, for the moment.

She joined the conversation and I came to know that she was the oldest of three kids and that her dad had left home when she was a child. She had been married once, but after a few years she had understood that she was not "made for digging roots in a place where there was no food for her mind".

I understood her. Deeply. For the first time in years I felt connected.
She was not a danger for me because we were talking the same language.

James received a phone call "Bo I need to leave, Michael needs my help to sort out some shit at the site..."
"I can come along!" I said. James looked at Romi and then at me with a severe expression
"I can't allow you to leave a lady alone..."
I put my hands up to show him I was going to surrender and he nodded.
"I see you guys tomorrow. Enjoy your time..."

"It's a problem for you that he is gone?" Romi's voice had a sad shadow in it like she expected to know the answer.
"Not at all, do you?" I replied trying to sound sweeter than I was used to.
We drank some more beer and the conversation went smoother.

"Woo...it's three o'clock. I think I'll call for a taxi"
"I can drive you home..." I said "If you want to, that is..."
She looked aside troubled at my request but then she smiled.
"Thanks" she replied.

We didn't talk all the way long. Jazz music was flowing and filling the car.
the way she indicated was leading outside the city. The landscape changed into trees and grass fields.
"Here we are" she said indicating a small brown house at the side of the road.

I stopped the car and turned towards her.
"I am not going to ask you in Boris. Not tonight."
I didn't reply, since I didn't know what she was trying to say.
"I would like to kiss you, if it's fine for you..."
I leaned towards her and we kissed. It was a kiss with no pretense or hidden meanings.
It was this kind of kiss that makes you feel happy just because they happened and you surely want more, but you don't need to force that. It will come from itself.

I had always been this guy who didn't really mind who was landing in his bed, but then she came and she made the whole thing about life seem so easy and beautiful.
When she went inside, without even turning to check on me, I put my hands behind my head and inhaled the scent of her that was still filling the car, jasmine and cinnamon I thought.
The way back home I draw very slowly looking at the fields illuminated by the full moon and the night seemed beautiful again, and life with it.

slow fast slow

Do you remember me? It's been such a long time ago.

I never thought you could be interested in someone like me, so usual, so somber.

I looked at you my eyes caressing the line of your jaw, quick and voluptuous sign of desire.

Right on that moment you looked up and the line of a smile signed your face.

I don't blush.

Ever.

I only felt I needed to leave.

The night after I came back.

The same pub.

You weren't there and the feeling of disappointment left immediately the place to joy.

I was happy I didn't need to see you.

You were some new reason to lose my concentration, to lose focus on what life was so keen to give me for free.

"Hi."

the sound of your voice so cold, toneless.

"Hi." I replied without looking at you.

Your turned around me and sat beside me.

"You know" you said, your voice making each word sound sweet "I think you like me"

I laughed, a bitter laugh.

"You surely are one son of a bitch"

I hissed trough my teeth.

you smiled again.

"I was thinking...what about going to the sea? Just the two of us. Then you can go on insulting me...I'm intrigued."

I laughed. The bitter taste had already left my words and 'maybe' I think 'it's not even such a bad idea' and all the thoughts of focus and concentration and stay-out-of-trouble stuff shift in the background.
It has been such a long time ago.
I can still see the colour of your eyes. I thought you were unreadable since the first time I saw you. I thought it was a very bad idea and that I would have been the one to leave this story in pieces.
And here I am, after five years still thinking about you.
What a man am I? Lost in a dream that never comes back, lost in the past, so buried in memories that I don't even see life rolling away under my feet.
I will spend the rest of the day reading.
A science book, something about micro-expressions.
I hope that will keep my mind away for you for a while.
I turn the radio on.
"in the moonligh"...
Oh, damn! I think I'll dream some more maybe...

======================================================

missing pages

I hope to be in your thoughts, when you will go to bed tonight

And from those thoughts I am going to jump into your dreams,

Like when I was a child with my rubber boots in a plash.

Sharp drops of soul shattering me and you will end up melt us together in a colourful canvas.

You can call it love, hate or dependence, but the feeling will not change.

It’s a thin veil of pleasure bonding us together. It’s a thick rope cutting our wrists and suffocating our heart.

I need to love you.

You don’t mind to be loved, even if you hide behind a mouth full of stars and flowers.

Let’s change it in a play, a masquerade a tender minuet.

I’ll play the strings of your heart, lightly at first; I’ll be putting pressure when you are warm.

Don’t restrain me.

Let me play all the music I have.

Let’s kiss, let’s make love, let’s read an old book and rewrite the missing pages.

I have been looking for you so long.

I can’t give up a dream made of snails and cotton candy.

I have a ribbon in my brain and it’s waiting for you to pull it open.

Inside the box a million crimson butterflies: they are going to eat your heart, but don’t worry…

You’ll have mine.

Tomorrow

He was walking down the empty boulevard. The street lights were zooming in a disturbing way. He stopped in front of the window of a closed shop. The light was still on in the background room, but it suddenly went off and the only thing Ben could see was his blurry image reflected in the dirty glass.
He faked a smile. That was such a long time that he didn't feel like smiling. Since Rubs had left his world he had become like a picture in black and white.
'What do I care...' he said to himself getting back to his somber expression.
Ben walked slowly to the club house. The pub never closed. Before entering the door he gave a look to his pocket watch, it was almost three o'clock. 'Maybe I should just go home...' he thought shaking his head 'a drink won't kill me' he coincluded and he stepped in.
The room was populated by a few individuals. A couple of them had let they heads fall on the table with one hand still holding the empty glass.
Ben sat at the counter 'a dark pint...' he said looking around.
'fine...'
The answer came like a burning dagger in his ears.
He turned and there he was, Rubs, he didn't change for a thing in all the years he had been away.
Ben couldn't help but stare at him.
'I am back...don't you have anything to say?'
Ben couldn't decide if he felt like killing him or what else.
Rubs came out from behind the counter and he sat next to him.
His grey eyes pinned into Ben's chocolate brown ones.
With a light sweet smile on his lips he caressed Ben face.
It was like he had been waiting for that touch forever.
Tears began burning into his eyes and he tried to send them back.
Rubs pulled him towards himself and Ben didn't oppose resistance.
'Let's go home...' he said enjoying the warmth of Rubs' hands 'We'll talk about all tomorrow.'
Where feeling fill the void there is not so much need for words and however you look at it there is always enough space for a tomorrow.

Awakening: the journey.

The sun was setting slowly like it would be waiting for something. I stopped walking and I looked at the horizon. Maybe I had always known that, you don't find the meaning in the destination but during your journey, day by day.
I sat under a tree enjoying the sounds of the evening.
A night full of stars came soon and after it a beautiful dawn.
I washed myself in the cold water of a river, singing my ancestors songs and I resumed my trip.

I am still walking. The path in front of me is endless and I can't see the point where I have left anymore,but my heart is full of courage and proud. Nothing but raindrops and sunbeams to keep me company. I walk. I still walk towards the end of my way, with a smile on my face, and light in my heart.

stay away, Boris is back.

The sensation of being so free and unconditioned...it was such a long time.
I have been disgusted by life and myself and I have looked for things I didn't need in the wrong places again.Again.
Now I found a place where nobody can reach me.
I would like to be able to hide there forever, but sometimes life calls me.

I love life as much as I am sure there can't be life free of pain.

I prefer living alone, without your selfish help.

Now I just need all the images of a recent past to disappear in order to be happy.

A log time ago, when life was easy I had promised myself to be faithful to my principles. I have stepped on them so many time in the meantime.

That's why I am here today, to get once again on that path I had chosen.

If anything, if anyone ever comes in my way I will spit fire and use claws of steel to defend my freedom.

Welcome back, Boris.

someone who can pretend life is easy

You don't have to dig into the depth of the ocean to know I can't resist you.
I can't jump into this again.
I feel like I am deciding to throw myself down a skyscraper, free fall and when you reach the bottom you've nowhere left to go.

I love you and I hate you so much for what you do to me.
I feel bad for giving you details of my life that make me feel so vulnerable.

You know all of me and I feel like I have no power left to defend myself from this hurricane of emotions.

You want sex.
I want sex.

I want love.
You want sex.

The rhythm changes and it's not melody but noise.

I want warmth.
I feel cold now.

I was again flying too high for my little wings. Someone told me, a long time ago, that I can't sit here and wait for someone to save me.
It's true, I am the prince charming. I am the one who should be saving the princess in need.
But I am tired to fight.

I want to sit here, and forget, forget how much I suffer and forget how good you make me feel.
I want to sit here and remember your hands, your lips, your body, his warmth...I want to pretend this was in the past, a long time ago.
I want to pretend It was a dream and it never happened.
I want to pretend you are just a creation of my mind, I want to keep on making love to you in my dreams so that I don't need to feel guilty for that.

I don't ever want to lose you, but maybe you don't need me. You need a warm body to fill your bed.

You need someone who can pretend life is easy.


===================================================================

storm

Tonight the storm was outside the window and inside my heart.
I have asked myself to stop and come back to my senses.
I have implored my heart not to give up, and this was the answer:

"One day near, when the light will go off and you'll have to leave
you'll thank me for this.
For brightening what you have left"

I thought about the Gypsy.
I thought about her face when I asked her if paying would have made my life longer
you can't beat up destiny and you can't come up against feelings.

Whatever you do they'll swallow you making you float in a place with no time forever.

=========================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: my notebook is full of logic writings in which there is a begin and a clear end, but nothing of those writing is real. The truth is, life is not logic and I am a jerk.

Sore

big eyes
looking for eyes
to look
in their depth.
I thought your heart
was made
of stone,
but now I know it's candy.

When will you
tell me
your truth,
instead of mixing it
with lies of others?

I am waiting
pushing life forward like
a soldier without
his gun
looking around
expecting a foe
to shoot in my back.

Sometimes I tremble
of joy or fear
but that gives
me the same
feeling of lost
excitement.

Whith you
fear was forgotten
but that meant I
depended from
your lips
and their
unknown taste.

Sometimes I am a soldier,
with no battle.

lights 'n shadows

The days getting shorter is a neat contrast with my need of light.

I have always been a son of the dark, no difference for me between the hours after the sunset and the ones preceding the sunrise, hours where the streets are populated only by the noise of trucks and cars, barking dogs and buzzing broken street lamps.

It has been a trial at first and then a ritual, to become at the very end, the only knowledge I had of existence.

I have been avoiding company and daylight because I needed to give some time to myself to decide which direction my life had to follow.

I am out of it now.

In the night all is wrapped in the undefined, all it's out of focus and you easily lose yourself without noticing. I have been through that before. Nothing is easier than giving shape to a dream if it happens during the night and your eyes are open.

But that won't last.

I have tried to create for myself an artificial existence chained into this virtual world, stuck between a reality I found difficult to accept and a dream I was feeding my soul and my blood to. I have lived in a wonder made of bittersweet sensations believing I could exchange real life with a beautiful illusion.

In the night I was a poet, an artist a lover.

In the night I could be myself change my name, my creed, my orientation.

In the night I didn't need to justify my passions, I didn't have to be ashamed of my desire and you were there with me, in no space and no time.

But that didn't last.

Reality have come knocking at my door and I have found the signs of time on my face and my hair getting grey and my heart getting smaller each time I thought about how my life could have been if I only would have made other choices.

Discovering that you have kept on choosing and making your path narrower with each decision can brake you. The more you fly high the more you hurt yourself when you fall. A fallen angel. Maybe better a lost dog, I have been licking my wounds hoping to recover soon, but the scars reminded me of all I wanted to forget, day by day.

When I thought the bottom was an inch under my feet I woke up. I woke up and I have seen the truth, living a dream is and remains a lie.

I had to choose, once more: remaining in the lie hoping not to need to wake up, maybe one day before my death and realizing I had lost all the experiences, the good and the bad ones, that life could give me or bear the pain to go back to reality, resume my life and carry on with dignity.

That's why I have disappeared. That's why you didn't see me or hear from me anymore.

I have been looking for that light I had avoided for so long. Now I bear the burning pain of the past and I have to subdue myself to the limits this long period of inactivity has imposed me.

I am doing well. I could even dare to say I feel like…happy. Some of us are not really meant to have a specific place in this world, the secret is not to force yourself to find one, no matter what.

I write this to put a mark to the beginning of a new era, in which I am what I am and I stop hiding in the blur of darkness.

I am not stating that from now on I'll always be under the sun, habits are difficult to change, especially for an old devil like me.
I'll only try to keep it simple like when life was only you and me playing under that burning sun in that courtyard.

freedom in your pocket

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

I thought illusions could make your life livable, now I know I was wrong, since you have been my illusion and the though of you is pulling me in these depths.
Love, an unnecessary feeling, but we keep on making ourselves its slaves, consciously.

The more you chose the more your path gets narrow.

In the end you find yourself stepping on a rope, acrobat with no future: impossible to look back, nothing to see in front of you.
You look down and let yourself fall.

I still wait to see the bright colours of happiness, but you can't find colours in the dark.

Searching in the dark.
Eyes wide open.

Nothing else than your scent on my hands, your flavour on my lips, your curse in my heart.
Escaping is easy and so damned difficult, since this restraint is the only thing I still have of you.

The more I think of you the more I get lost.

You disappear when the truth has taken your place and the loneliness has made me desire to live in a lie.
I am not ashamed since truth and lies are making love and creating a new reality. They are part of me and the same way they are part of you, fabulous angel in my eyes: a bird without wings. Bleeding eyes. Broken heart.

I will drink hate from your lips for the sake of a kiss.

the dawn of the crimson moon

Keth Silverclaw was standing in front of the window, his arms crossed the slender body fiercely erected. He looked emotionless, his green eyes half covered by his raven black hair, that the light of the moon made shine in silver.

“Stop shaking like that Eledhwen, I could not avoid it. You know it better than me...so stop this. Things can't be changed”
He turned away adjusting with one hand the sword at his side.
The thick walls of the manor smelled of humid and dust and in the lights of the torches hanging on the wall I could see my hands covered in blood;
I felt it on my body, drenching my clothes, I felt it on my face.
The smell, like of metal, was almost unbearable.

I was sitting on a thick furry carpet, unable to move. I felt the tears flowing out of my eyes and a cry of desperation was resonating into my chest, trapped and unable to get out.
It was obvious that I had started it all.

“Come with me...” Keth's voice was all of a sudden softer, almost caressing and all of a his deep green eyes were shining with pity.
He helped me to stand and supporting me he took me to the room they called room of bathing.

In the centre of the room there was a huge circular pool. The water was warm, steam was floating above the pool giving it a surreal look. The stone covering the sides of the bath shone like pearl at the light of the candles burning all around it.

Keth took a towel, he drenched it with water from a barrel and he came to me. He begun cleaning my face.
I closed my eyes. The towel smelled of Jasmine, like Keth.

“Don't fear Eledhwen...”
he used my full name.

The elf undressed me and he went on cleaning my body, rinsing from time to time the towel in the scented water.
He spoke the ancient language. The tip of his fingers felt cold on my heated skin.

“Now the trace of my sin has left your body...” he hesitated to continue “allow me to fill your soul with the same sin”

“Keth Silverclaw” I replied formally “I am not free for you to take. I am a druid. Druids can't know physic love”

His eyes suddenly burned with anger.
“I have just ended the tribe of Trucia for you and your folk, and you want to refuse me your body?”

I wanted him.
He didn't have to know.

“I warn you Silverclaw, high elf of the tribe of Gandrel” I said without conviction “Touch me and you'll be cursed.

“I have been cursed the day I have met you Eledhwen Ciryatan” he uttered grabbing my hair. I moaned in pain.
“Tell me the truth little devil...you are pushing me...you want me...to beg you...”

It was true, I was the devil disguised in priest's clothes.

I wanted him. Since the day I had met him for the first time. I wanted him, even today after the terrible things I had seen.

“Take me Keth. Take my body, take my soul...make of it what you want, let's be cursed together...”
I opened my arms, presenting myself to him like an offer.

He laughed out loud and outside the manor his wolf howled in response to the sound of his laughter.

Keth took me in his arms, like I would be his bride and stepped still fully clothed into the pool. Holding me with one arm he used his other hand to unfasten the belt holding his sword and he let it fall gently outside the pool.

I opened his black jacket his golden buttons were decorated with miniatures showing scenes of the ancient war.
Under the jacket he was wearing a black linen blouse; the black of the fabric made a sharp contrast with the shining ivory of his skin.

He made me seat into the water. The strong smell of flowers surrounded me melting the sensations, the lust, the impatience.

He undressed himself and he came kneeling in front of me.

His eyes were now shining of a new light, deep cruel eyes of a wolf ready to assault his victim.

I was charmed.

“You are so beautiful Keth...a druid is not used to such a luxurious beauty we leave in simplicity, we are simple people...”

He didn't reply. He didn't change his expression. He seemed to be studying my body. Then he suddenly grabbed my shoulder and pressing his lips on my neck he sucked my skin shortly moving his tongue like he was trying to decide how I tasted.

I could smell the scent of forest and jasmine in his hair.

His kisses became more and more audacious. He seemed to be increasing his self confidence at each new kiss. He became impatient, his hands moved between my legs.
I was hard and his hands felt like ice on my erection.
Then his mouth came, hot and soft.

“Keth, I am lost...I thought I knew all but now I am lost...”
“it's because I have lied to you” he replied to me without taking away his mouth from me “it's because we lied to ourselves. We are not meant to be warriors, we are not meant to be wisemen...we are meant to be lovers...”

I felt he had kept love in himself for too long, I felt his loneliness, his rage, his passion.

His breath surrounded my flesh, while his hands grabbed my sides. He was hurting me but the pain melted into pleasure when he entered me, without warning, without mercy.
I had never known physical love – not with a woman, nor with a man.
The narrations of the druids talked about it, of how men lose their reason for love and of how love makes you waste your energy for the sake of physical fulfillment.

In the long austere years as a druid I had learned to respect the silence. No sound came out of my mouth even when he pushed hard, faster, growling like a wild wolf.

I liked to see him losing control. I liked his expression, showing rage and lust.
He suddenly slowed his pace.

“I want you to come with me. Touch yourself...I am near.”
he ordered.

I got hold of my pulsing flesh, and I began stroking it fast. He licked my neck, biting when due to the tension of pleasured I suddenly throbbed.

“Eledhwen if you don't move it'll be too late, I won't last much longer...” he said an enduring expression on his face.
The sound of his voice, liquid silver, excited me so much I reached the point of no return.

“Keth I am coming...”
I said, my voice trembling.

He pushed it all into me, whispering into my ear words of love in the elfish old idiom.
He promised to protect me forever.

“I'll be your knight, son of the moon. I will protect you until the last breath of life will leave my body. This is written in the stars”

I was now property of a high elf, a male, like me.

I had now learned the meaning of the word falling, I had lost my virginity and my soul, I could not go back in time any more and I didn't even want it.

Since the day I had met Keth, a few years before, I had been fascinated by his person, the mystery and the strength surrounding him. There was no way I could escape to his charm.

He had come to the village to meet the Wiseman, the oldest of the druids, at that time I was in the order only since a few days.
When he arrived, the big wolf at his side, I was walking among the houses enjoying the warmth of the summer.

“You druid!” he told me with a harsh unpleasant tone “bring me to the Wiseman!”
I frowned
“Who are you, white elf, to think you can give me an order?”
he raised his eyebrows.

“You are in front of the leaders of Gandrel, human! Is this enough as an answer?”
“It is” I replied “but now you can look for the Wiseman yourself.

I turned my back at him, but I felt his hand clenching around my arm, his face suddenly so close to mine, that I could smell him, the strong scent of jasmine and forest.

“Don't mess with me druid! I could suddenly forget the treaty...”
I swallowed soundly, still frowning
“I am not scared of you elf.” I bluffed.

His wolf growled and it sounded like a laughter.
Keth smirked
“You have courage druid” he let my arm go “Come Cyrrus” he said talking to his wolf “we'll go look for the Wiseman since the brat won't cooperate”

Since that day he dropped by the village very often, for a reason or another. Sometimes he jumped out of the bushes when I was walking in the forest, talking to me with his arrogant tone.
With the passing of time we became close. There were not a lot of words between us, but a silent link existing beyond us.

The day the dark elves attacked the village, Keth, leader of the tribe of Gandrel had come to save us. The hatred between light and dark elves had existed for ages, but there was a treaty forbidding them both to attack humans. That treaty has been made to preserve the name of the elfish race.

At the beginning I thought that was the reason pushing Keth to save us, in the rage of the battle though Keth came to look for me, killing every creature who came between us, and when he found me he took me away with him.
His wolf opened us the way to the dark manor, and the rest of the story...well, it's what I just told you.

Concerning me, I didn't become a druid because I had heard the call. I did it for the knowledge. I wanted to know the secret of alchemy, the power of herbs and the secrets of poisons.

I had never been ready to lose the privilege of being a druid, not for power, not for love.
Not until that moment.

Keth climaxed, biting his under lip, his eyes closed, pearls of sweat shining on his forehead, his hair like a black crown.

I was excited, tired, happy, scared.

“What am I supposed to do now Keth?” I told him when he came to rest his head on my chest.
“You are mine now” he replied.
I smiled, unable to oppose him.
“You'll be at my side” he continued “I'll do all for you...you don't believe it?” he turned his head and looked right into my eyes. In the depth of his green iris I saw my past, full of bad memories, filled with sorrow and rare joyful moments, I felt sensations I could barely remember.

In his eyes I saw the future, full of mystery and secrets, full of strength and courage, of battles and peaceful moments.

In his eyes I saw our bodies entangled in a dance of love, our lips touching, our tongues looking for each other.
All my questions faded in the image of him.
For the first time that day I felt safe.
For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word happiness.
“I belong to you, Keth Silverclaw” I told him a second before his lips reached mines.

The wolves outside the manor were howling at the crimson moon filling a black sky, they were welcoming our new life and the beginning of our future.

=====================================================================
note of the author: don't think it's easy to forget I had given my heart to an illusion. It seems that not freaking out about it, made of me a worthless simpleton. I still believe in all the nonsense. I am a conscious son of a bitch.

Words

Words
So easy to say
So easy to forget
I am made of words and
Your words cover me like
A blanket
Stab me
Like a golden knife
Kill me like a silent
Poison.
Words
Nothing else between us
Lies and truths
Love and hate
Nothing I can close my
Hands on
And when I open them again
You are not there anymore.
I am a fool believing
In words coming from ghosts
Maybe in my head
Words are like butterflies
Colored and happy
But reality makes them
Taste bitter
Like my own conscience
Bitter
Like my own heart
Empty
I am going to pass the days that will follow
Looking for your lips in the tea leaves at the
Bottom of my cup
Saying your name aloud
Making love to your image in my dreams.
Forgetting is impossible
But turning the watch back and pretend it's all right
It's something I can still try.
Maybe he'll come back and be like before
A cold steamy hand passing through my hair
While I sleep.

=======================================================================
NOTE OF THE AUTHOR: I'll be gone for a while, to wash away the taste of your kisses in salt water. Until I find you again.

just a moment

My breath gets faster.
Your hand reaches the zipper of my trouser.
I am so excited...
"Don't be so loud Bo', they'll hear us..."
Your smile is meaningful. You know you are driving me crazy and you seem to enjoy the feeling.
The party seems to be going great outside the door of your room.

You undress me and stare at me for a while.
I get uncomfortable.
"Well? what are your plans?" I say a little bit harsh.
"Making you beg me..."
I swallow soundly.
"I see..."
I smile, because you are just how I want you to be, so free and so terrible, so beautiful and sensual.
I get up and I begin undressing you, slowly kissing every inch of your body I unclothe.
Your fingers move on my back slowly hesitating.
you pull me towards you.
The touch of your skin is something I'll possibly never get used to.
I am burning.
"I want to taste you, every inch of you..." I say
"I was supposed to be the one making you lose control.."
I laugh soundly
"How do you call this" I take your hand and place it on my chest, my heart is beating so fast I have the feeling it could be exploding.
You laugh.
While I kiss you, biting you softly, gliding down your body, your hands reach me and they know exactly what they need to do, to make me lose this game.
"Y-you...this is not fair..."
I fall down on the bed.
One on one, your hands, fingers entangled in my hair, you lips so cold getting fire on my skin, I feel like my body would become liquid,
"I want you. I want all of you..." I say.
You don't answer...


"You know that you are so beautiful after making love..." I tell you panting when you fall exhausted on my chest.
You smirk "You are very cute when you beg..."
I shake my head "you really are unbelievable!"

I had no intention of falling in love with you. Too painful, too dangerous, too impossible, but how can I stop this?
How can I keep myself from desiring you when you are constantly in my mind, in my dreams...

You get up

"What are you doing?"
"Go back to the party..."
"You must be kidding me?"

I pull you back in bed
"Stay. Stay some more...they won't miss us"
"You are hopeless..." You say smiling
"Yes, I am, do you care?"

You shake your head and hold me
I close my eyes and hope this moment will last forever.

the one and only

After the end there is a new beginning, where I am not who I was anymore. No heartbeats, no weakness, only stone and steel, dry eyes and motionless heart.
No heartbeats, no joy or sorrow.
Only time, flowing like a deep dark river, of which I can't see the bottom.
I have touched it with my hand and it has dissolved through my fingers.
I have felt its warmth and now the winter has come and filled the void with ice.
I don't want to feel cold.
Cold reminds me of loneliness, of people I have lost of hands forcing me to feel good when all I wanted was throwing up.


I close my eyes and I see a beach, the shore of pink little shells.
I am alone watching the sea, the sun setting into the waves, far at the horizon.
I'd like to show it to you but you are not here.
I close my eyes and try to fix this image into my memory.
But I get your image instead.
Fire on water.
Mist on the void.

I let myself fall but there is no bottom and I keep on falling until I wake up and I realize the void is nothing more than a path in which I miss beauty, youth and freedom, to find you along the way.

Since I am aware of the time I still have left and of all the things I won't be able to do with that time, I am grasping her thin neck once more licking her till the end, sucking out all it remains and letting myself drift into a world of nothingness, where the memories float around me like fireflies and love can't hurt me.

I don't care if they will be waiting, writing, worrying, I will be wasting that time and pretending you are still there, my tongue on your skin, rough caresses on your sides, my teeth biting your shoulder you light casting a shadow on my soul, who cannot stop talking about you.

Kill it. Kill all these illusions, I can see through.
I will lose this sorrow like the skin of a snake and leave the rest of my time like a fallen angel staring at the bottom of his memory.

One way ticket

Writing the word end is something I have never been able to do.
It's like my hand would fear it, like 'end' could only mean something terrible.
I like to open doors, not close them behind me.

They say you can't always decide. They say that sometimes you can't be your own happiness.

They told me feelings are not everything...but what is the next step when feeling are all I have left and they fall? What is the next step when you are on the edge looking down into the void or looking up to the stars which are not burning anymore?

It's a heavy day, a heavy week a heavy fucking life I don't want anymore.

I have no time to look back and no force to look foreward.

I will take a short break from myself and prepare for what I have left.

I'm leaving on this train with no driver, destination unknown. One way ticket.

burning

Cold fingers touching lightly the line of my jaw, down to my neck.
I try to open my eyes but I am too tired.
"what are you doing?"
"keep on sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up..."
I pull you down on my chest.
"How can I keep on sleeping when your scent fills my nostrils and I feel the touch of your skin?"
Your hand is searching me under the cover.

"Do you remember when we first met? That feeling of having known each other since always?"

your hands follow the shape of my body, your breath is deep, calm.

"I still feel that, whatever you say or do to me it's like your movements and words would be written in me. I don't see you. I don't see our differences. I just feel you"

You gently press your lips on my shoulder.
I take your hand and kiss your fingers, biting them gently and letting my tongue glide between them.

"Don't make me think about how impossible my feelings are. Make me forget who I am"

the air smells of salt and resin. I hear the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks.

I know this place, I used to come here a long time ago; it's full of memories and pain.

I look at you, you seem to be far from me in your thoughts.
"Don't leave me" I say
"Why do you worry? I am here"
"I worry because I am not used to beauty in my life and when you talk to me your words crash into my world and make me think that maybe...maybe I am allowed this dream, but when I can't be with you it all seems so distant and cold. I am not so strong.."
I hold you tightly and try to lose connection with the reality, only you, your words whispered on my skin make me shiver.
I only hear the sound of the waves and our voices saying silently the truth we can't shout.

I would like to be able to keep you here, to make a prisoner of you and never allow you to leave my side, but you are made of sea foam and when the dream turns into dawn you vanish leaving only the fire on every part of me you touched.

I am too tired and unfocused to show you all the wonders you make for me when the dark comes and I lay myself down to sleep.
There is a very thin edge between reality and illusion and I am trapped in the space that is in between, calling your name, pretending my hands would be yours, waking up in sweat, my breath running my lips wet.

There is much more in those night than you'll ever know.

=======================================================================
Note of the Author: Believe to my words and never trust illusions. You are much more than reality to me, you are there beyond the edge where time and space do not count. Don't go away from me, allow me this dream, since it's all I care for.